Wednesday, June 16, 2010

God's Hand Returns to this Year's World Cup

The Hand of God has returned to this year's World Cup.

Not on the pitch - as in the famed 1986 England vs. Argentina World Cup quarter-final match in Mexico City - but rather on the sideline.

Once again, God has freely handed soccer fans across the globe the eternally entertaining gift of Team Argentina's Coach - Diego Maradona.

Today's chubby coaching caricature may look more like a trite Telemundo Talk Show Host than the world class player he once was. But, Maradona no longer needs a soccer ball to save and dazzle during this World Cup. He still can enrapture viewers every time ESPN's wide angle camera lenses turn his way.

Long gone are Diego's deft touches, sudden bursts of athleticism and scintillating soccer skills. Although Diego's soccer lore has been resurrected, his long lost athletic glory has been replaced by melodramatic John Gotti type mannerisms, sharp blasts of profanity and elongated bouts of exxagerated emotion in which the quixotic coach warmly embraces the very same players he routinely castigates.

A sight to behold on the sidelines, the dapper Diego unabashedly sports identical wrist watches on either arm and matching diamond softball-sized studs in either ear. Squeezing into a freshly Armor-alled goonish grey suit, the mercurial Maradona looks more loan shark than soccer coach.

Passion personified, Diego smiles, snarls, steams, struts and stomps along the sidelines while relentlessly combing his jet black dyed mane with his 1986 beefy Hand of God miracle mitt. Barely able to corral his bullish frame within the obligatory coaching box, Maradona challenges every officiating call, while grasping his rosary beads with a vice grip and gesticulating un-sactimoniously for his worldwide audience to witness.

So, the next time we pay Penance by yawning through another listless France vs. Uruguay nil - nil draw, let's offer our thanks to the Almighty for the gift that God so freely handed to us again in this year's World Cup.

Diego may be the only salvation we'll need to enjoy this year's tournament.

MIKE - thee American made voice on sports!

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Italian Creative Expression at World Cup 2010

For centuries, Italian creative expression has resonated throughout the world.

In Art, the brilliance of Italian masters Michaelangelo and Bernini has enraptured art lovers around the globe.

In Music, the virtuoso talents Andreas Botticelli and Enrico Caruso have serenaded millions of opera officianados.

In Fashion, the avant-garde designs of Gianni Versace and Salvadore Ferragamo have been exported to deep pocketed fashionistas from Berlin to Beijing to Buenos Aires.

In Architecture, the iconic landmarks of St. Peter's Basilica in Vatican City and the Duomo in Florence have drawn countless pilgrims from every culture.

And now in Sports, Italy's fabulous flopping footballers have mastered their imaginative machinations once again as the unrivaled diving divas of the soccer pitch.

Taking their melodramatic histrionics to unprecedented levels, Italian soccer stars have perfected their plunging panache and easily passed other wanna-be tumbling sports talents like Derek Fisher of the Lakers - and for that matter, every WWE wrestler - as they've mastered the art of unnecessary flailing and flopping.

Take the scene at yesterday's rain soaked 1-1 World Cup match between the defending World Cup Champion Azzurri versus upstart and emotionally driven Paraguay.

In the game's early minutes Italian Midfielder Daniele De Rossi sprinted toward the goal, eagerly anticipating a pass from a teammate. Next, ESPN cameras captured De Rossi on the rain soaked field grabbing his calf as if suddenly shot by a stinger missile. De Rossi's apparent writhing in agony prompted panicked paramedics to race on to the pitch to administer emergency aid to the Azzurri's injured Italian Midfielder.

At the same time, De Rossi's succouring soccer teammates hovered around him, screamed wildly at the ref, then directed Neopolitan curses at their Paraguayan opponents, all while reciting rosaries in a last rites gesture for their teammate who was precariously fighting death's door.

Suddenly . . . and you know what happened next . . . as if the Italian Midfielder's soap opera nonsense wasn't enough, the nearly slain De Rossi miraculously rose from the grave, er, the turf that is, sprinted around the pitch like he was running the Boston Marathon, then eagerly rejoined his teammates as the ref instructed both sides to resume play. What a show!

Despite having held up the game for several minutes, De Rossi's antics didn't even get a yellow card. I say for this exaggerated Italian expression, the refs should have awarded him an Oscar instead. Play on.

MIKE - thee American made voice on sports!

Sunday, June 13, 2010

It's Time to Red Card the Vuvuzela

The World Cup 2010 kicked off with a bang - or should I say - a curious, cacophonous chorus of South African vuvuzela.

Vu-vu-ze-what you might you might be asking.

No, vu-vu-ze-la, as in the Setswana name for a plastic three foot long noisemaking horn (emphasis on obnoxious noisemaking - like that of an ADHD kid juiced up on Mountain Dew) favored by South African soccer fans.

The vuvuzela vaulted into international popularity as soon as the oft maligned new Adidas soccer ball got kicked around the pitch in Johannesburg during this weekend's opening game between host South Africa and Mexico.

However, the initially revered, but now increasingly embattled vuvuzela may may Red Carded sooner than expected based on the overwhelming reaction of a disgruntled international ESPN television audience.

Day 1 of ESPN's television coverage witnessed intrigued viewers from around the globe immediately enraptured by the discordant din of these cheap plastic trumpets.

Day 2 television coverage showed a surprising shift in opinion as World Cup watchers warily became aware of the dissonant and disturbing drone of the reverberating vuvuzela.

On Day 3, however, viewers of ESPN's television coverage voiced cries of victimization by the vile vmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm of these never ending vuvuzela.

So, once Day 4 coverage continues tomorrow, will FIFA, which governs the World Cup, muzzle these maddening monotone South African music makers which sound more like swarming locusts or angry bees in a very large hive?

OK, FIFA, if you really give a Desmond Tutu, ban the vuvuzela from stadiums during remaining World Cup 2010 matches. Let us enjoy world class World Cup soccer coverage without the low class, dreadful din of these hideous horns.

Yes, FIFA, it's time to Red Card the vuvuzela!

MIKE - thee American made voice on sports!

Friday, June 11, 2010

World Cup 2010's Trans Atlantic Tussle

Never before has the Atlantic Ocean been considered chic conversation.

Typical chatter concerning the 4,000 mile expanse of chilly water separating the United States' eastern shores from the rainy, cloudy British Isles generally generates genial jesting between long time friends and political allies.

However, on June 12th this brisk, blustery body of water will surface as the sports world's salient subject - known to Yanks and Brits alike - as World Cup 2010's Trans Atlantic Tussle. This ESPN televised event pits aspiring contender Team USA against soccer's more established, football-rich Team England.

Expect the June 12th World Cup game to be much bigger than soccer bragging rights. This 2010 first round match in South Africa showcases the United States second fiddle Yanks against the more ballyhooed Brits and should settle scores more serious than any simple soccer game.

Also at stake are decades of debates, disputes and disagreements surrounding each country's icons. Like the Buck vs. the Pound, American football vs. football the rest of the planet plays, White House vs. Windsor Castle, Bon Jovi vs. the Beatles, Disney vs. Diana, Broadway vs. Piccadilly and not to forget the all important delicacies of Hamburgers vs. Fish n' Chips.

So, who cares whether you say How you doin' or Cheerio or whether you drive on the right side of the road or the left or whether you display your red, white and blue colors on the American Flag or the Union Jack.

June 12th's World Cup 2010 Trans Atlantic Tussle between the United States and England should be exciting for fans watching from Los Angeles to London and should settle several critical cultural clashes between these two nations....at least until they face each other again in a future World Cup.

And don't you fugghedaboutit, old boy!

MIKE - thee American made voice on sports!

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Enough of Kobe's Beefs!

OK, I've had enough of Kobe's "beefs!"

No, I'm NOT referring to Japan's Kobe Beef... as in the finest steak in the world.

However, I am lamenting Los Angeles Laker Kobe Bryant's non-stop bickering beefs; i.e. the murmuring, complaining, whining, sulking and moaning we witness every time this loquacious Laker steps on the hardwood.

Right now, Boston Celtic fans are probably scrambling to canonize me as the new patron saint of Beantown for my audacious, long overdue proclamation, while loyal Left Coast Laker fans are boiling mad with plans to excoriate me somewhere on ritzy Rodeo Drive for all of SoCal to see.

Hey, I'm the first to admit that Kobe Bryant is arguably the best player on the planet. Sorry, Lebron-lovers. But, hear me loud and clear Laker faithful, Kobe's pissy attitude, once again, during the recent Laker - Suns Western Conference Finals was totally inexcusable.

Coach Phil Jackson should bury a baby's binkie in Bryant's mouth instead of tippy-toeing around the Lakers' $30 Million per year Prima Donna. What a disgrace that Jackson goes along with his star guard's glaring, glowering and grimacing every time he misses a shot - or sanctions the sulking sewage that flows offensively out of his mouth toward the refs just as effortlessly as BP's blundering oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico.

Why don't we hear Marv Albert or Kenny The Jet Smith or Charles Barkley or Jeff Van Gundy step up with some stones and speak out against the belly-aching Bryant? Sadly, we see plenty of other sniffling television sportscasters like Stuart Scott and Doug Collins molly-coddle Kobe's contentious conduct and carelessly condone his condescending comments aimed directly at his very own Laker teammates.

Basketball fans, here's hoping the diminutive NBA Czar David Stern, always eager to pontificate before a camera, bottles up the bickering, babbling Bryant before the Boston - Los Angeles series begins tonight.

Enough of Kobe's "beefs," so we can all enjoy a great NBA Finals!

MIKE - thee American made voice on sports!