Sunday, September 19, 2010

ESPN Announces Dancing with the Stars Spin-off (Satire)

Dancing with the Stars kicks off Monday on ABC.

In a surprise twist, Dancing with the Stars' (DWTS) unparalleled success has now spawned a spin-off sports show slotted for next spring on affiliate network ESPN. Aptly named Dancing with Parole Model Sports Stars, the series is hustling to assemble its ESPN All-Star line-up as famous felons, foolish philanderers and other celebrated sports figures boasting run-ins with the law are competing for the show's Mirrorball Trophy.

While most elements remain under wraps, TMZ has leaked details of the spring 2011 season of Dancing with Parole Model Sports Stars series.

Viewers will witness legendary jocks in the show's familiar holding tank as they ready to appear before a live audience with studio judges Carrie Ann Inaba, Bruno Tonioli and Len Goodman. However, while recent DWTS stars typically found standing before judges intimidating, executive producers at ESPN believe their crop of culpable contestants will be fully confident, especially considering their previous courtroom appearances and prior criminal records.

Exactly which professional dancers will be assigned to the Dancing with Parole Model Sports Stars inaugural line-up is yet to be cast in concrete. However, ESPN producers have locked up early commitments from several parole model sports stars and have already selected a few opening night numbers for these five philanderers and currently unfettered offenders.

Top golfer Tiger Woods, who routinely demonstrated superior skill in stepping out during his former marriage, will perform the Quick Step to Carrie Underwood's "Maybe Next Time He'll Think Before He Cheats".

Boxing champion Floyd Mayweather, Jr., who was recently indicted on multiple charges to include domestic battery, is currently slated to perform the Paso Dobles to Pat Benitar's "Hit Me With Your Best Shot".

Legendary pitcher Roger Clemens, who has been needled unmercifully by the Press concerning his future incarcerated state, has been unintentionally - yet ironically - booked for Boogieing to Elvis' "Jailhouse Rock".

Suspended NFL QB and former Super Bowl MVP Ben Roethlisberger, who continued his carnal craving for curvaceous coeds, will be choreographed slithering across the dance floor to Charlie Daniels' "The Devil Went Down to Millidgeville, Georgia".

NY Yankee 3B Alex Rodriguez, whose self-centered reputation prompted producers to part with the DWTS tradition of two-party routines, was selected to be its first contestant ever to dance alone in the competition, Free Styling to Carly Simon's "You're So Vain".

While scores of current and former athletes have lined up to break in to ESPN's Dancing with Parole Model Sports Stars' inaugural season, a few defendants, ah, contestants, fell through. DWTS host Tom Bergeron reported on athletes who purportedly took issue with ESPN's selection of songs for their first night's routines. They included:

Las Angeles Laker Kobe Bryant, who refused to perform the Polks to John Denver's "Rocky Mountain High Colorado".

Former NFL RB great OJ Simpson, who declined to dance the Fox Trot to "I Fought the Law and the Law Won".

And, finally, NFL Hall of Famer Lawrence Taylor, who refused to dance the new Horizontal Mambo to the tune of the classic 1959 hit, "Teen Angel".

Straight Talk. No Static.

MIKE - Thee American Made Voice on Sports

www.facebook.com/theemikefans

Friday, September 17, 2010

Reggie Bush's Heisman Decision Prompts Other NFL Promises

Widespread speculation surrounding the NCAA's investigation finding that Reggie Bush and his family accepted cash and gifts from fledgling California sports agents prompted the 2005 Heisman winner to return the venerated Trophy.

The New Orleans Saints RB star's surprising decision spawned a series of other unlikely NFL players, coaches and teams to proffer these proclamations and generate the following gracious gestures.

NY Jets' cocky, corpulent coach Rex Ryan committed to construct a much better football team than the highly overrated one that never showed up for last Sunday night's nationally televised game on NBC.

Arizona Cardinals' management moved to waive 1st round pick Matt Leinart, so that the ex-USC QB bust could hone his skills and compete for a starting job on his old Pop Warner football team.

Tampa Bay Bucs, after an embarrassing opening day media blackout, vowed to draw more fans in the stands at Raymond James Stadium for their 2011 season kick-off than the total number of players who participated on the field in last week's battle between the Bucs and Browns.

New England Patriots' WR Randy Moss and Washington Redskins RB Clinton Portis guaranteed they'll continue to offer juicy, inane and selfish sound bites with Terrell Owens type flair until Commission Roger Goodell opts to step in and squash their reckless rants.

NJ Jets CB Antonio Cromartie, responding to HBO Hard Knocks' criticism of his irresponsible sexual behavior, pledged to remember the names and sexes of the seven children he fathered with six separate women in five different states during continuous one night stands over the past few years.

ESPN's John Clayton reports that the Heisman Trust in NYC will present Bush's return Trophy to the 2005 runner-up Vince Young as soon as they can identify the latest strip club where the former Texas QB is purported to spend all his time.

Straight Talk. No Static.

MIKE - Thee American Made Voice on Sports.

www.facebook.com/theemikefans

Monday, September 13, 2010

Third Member of Notre Dame's Holy Trinity of Football Attacked

More shocking news reverberated around the Catholic football world this weekend, causing faithful Fighting Irish fans to fear for their eternal football salvation.

The third member of Notre Dame's venerated Holy Trinity of football, the Leprechaun, suffered an unexpected, unprecedented verbal attack during the school's nationally televised game versus the University of Michigan.

Unruly Wolverine fans unmercifully poked fun at the miniature bean pole clad in kelly green short shorts, knee high argyles and corny corn cob pipe. Fans from Ann Arbor taunted the Irish mascot to tears in his own stadium, suggesting that he couldn't intimidate a Teletubby and proffering that the pugnacious pixie shameless beat out a 90 year old nun for his mascot job. The unprovoked assault on Notre Dame's little greenie weenie comes at a precarious time in the history of the university's storied college football program.

Irish football fans were still reeling from two shocking incidences this year which nearly caused the gold dome on the South Bend campus to crumble and the Holy Trinity of Notre Dame football to unravel.

The first attack occurred last summer when a bolt of lightning struck Touch Down Jesus' iconic statue and sparked an ominous blow to Catholic football's Ground Zero. The second startling blow took place only last week as ND alumnus and Hall of Fame Super Bowl QB Joe Montana sacrilegiously questioned the authenticity of the athletic career of the school's beloved Rudy of major motion picture fame.

Finally, when this weekend's verbal effrontery by the Michigan fans forced the Notre Dame leprechaun to shake in his shamrock shorts, it appeared as if the bedrock under the Catholic football world would be irreparably shaken.

However, in true Catholic tradition, rosaries have been recited, candles have been lit and special masses have been said. To date, the plaster statue of Touch Down Jesus has been repaired. Rudy's reputation will be ultimately restored. And chances are good that Notre Dame's legendary Leprechaun will more than likely live on through this latest attack.

Straight Talk. No Static.

MIKE - Thee American Made Voice on Sports!