Coinciding perfectly with today's release of The Social Network movie, Facebook has introduced a new feature of its own - certain to become every sports fan's favorite.
Filling an urgent need on the web's most celebrated social site, Facebook's new Dis-Like button combats the shameless self-promotion of the sports world's biggest unbridled egos by affording frustrated fans the opportunity to stem the internet's newest STD (socially transmitted disease, that is) of tasteless sports celebrity hype.
Certain to become the web's latest viral sensation, Facebook's limited edition Dis-Like button is patterned after Homeland Security's color coded threat advisory system and reserved only for the most overblown egos in the sports world.
Facebook's new sports specific, multi-tiered feature allows users to display their personal distaste for self-absorbed jocks using this brilliantly simple annoyance alert system.
Wanna K.O. T.O.'s mindless chatter? Press the new yellow Dis-Like button for elevated annoyance and choose a complimentary Bag of Hot Air emoticon to appear next to the Bengal receiver's name and picture.
Wanna Deep 6 Ocho Cinco and drive Chad a little poco loco? Press the new orange Dis-Like button for high annoyance which will automatically attach a Thumbs Down icon next to Chad's photo, so your Facebook Friends can share their same Dis-Like with all of their Facebook Friends....up to 85 times apiece.
Wanna Short Circuit Shaq? Press the new red Dis-Like button for severe annoyance which automatically shuts down this shameless self-promoter on your Wall and instantly reports Big Diesel's boorish behavior to Facebook's on-line police.
Social network experts predict that Facebook's new sports feature will quickly emerge as the perfect antidote for overblown egos of overconfident athletes whose excessive self-promotion is crying out for curtailment.
Liking Facebook's new Dis-Like button - soon to be every sports fan's favorite.
This is MIKE - thee American made voice on sports!
www.facebook.com/theemikefans
Friday, October 1, 2010
Sunday, September 19, 2010
ESPN Announces Dancing with the Stars Spin-off (Satire)
Dancing with the Stars kicks off Monday on ABC.
In a surprise twist, Dancing with the Stars' (DWTS) unparalleled success has now spawned a spin-off sports show slotted for next spring on affiliate network ESPN. Aptly named Dancing with Parole Model Sports Stars, the series is hustling to assemble its ESPN All-Star line-up as famous felons, foolish philanderers and other celebrated sports figures boasting run-ins with the law are competing for the show's Mirrorball Trophy.
While most elements remain under wraps, TMZ has leaked details of the spring 2011 season of Dancing with Parole Model Sports Stars series.
Viewers will witness legendary jocks in the show's familiar holding tank as they ready to appear before a live audience with studio judges Carrie Ann Inaba, Bruno Tonioli and Len Goodman. However, while recent DWTS stars typically found standing before judges intimidating, executive producers at ESPN believe their crop of culpable contestants will be fully confident, especially considering their previous courtroom appearances and prior criminal records.
Exactly which professional dancers will be assigned to the Dancing with Parole Model Sports Stars inaugural line-up is yet to be cast in concrete. However, ESPN producers have locked up early commitments from several parole model sports stars and have already selected a few opening night numbers for these five philanderers and currently unfettered offenders.
Top golfer Tiger Woods, who routinely demonstrated superior skill in stepping out during his former marriage, will perform the Quick Step to Carrie Underwood's "Maybe Next Time He'll Think Before He Cheats".
Boxing champion Floyd Mayweather, Jr., who was recently indicted on multiple charges to include domestic battery, is currently slated to perform the Paso Dobles to Pat Benitar's "Hit Me With Your Best Shot".
Legendary pitcher Roger Clemens, who has been needled unmercifully by the Press concerning his future incarcerated state, has been unintentionally - yet ironically - booked for Boogieing to Elvis' "Jailhouse Rock".
Suspended NFL QB and former Super Bowl MVP Ben Roethlisberger, who continued his carnal craving for curvaceous coeds, will be choreographed slithering across the dance floor to Charlie Daniels' "The Devil Went Down to Millidgeville, Georgia".
NY Yankee 3B Alex Rodriguez, whose self-centered reputation prompted producers to part with the DWTS tradition of two-party routines, was selected to be its first contestant ever to dance alone in the competition, Free Styling to Carly Simon's "You're So Vain".
While scores of current and former athletes have lined up to break in to ESPN's Dancing with Parole Model Sports Stars' inaugural season, a few defendants, ah, contestants, fell through. DWTS host Tom Bergeron reported on athletes who purportedly took issue with ESPN's selection of songs for their first night's routines. They included:
Las Angeles Laker Kobe Bryant, who refused to perform the Polks to John Denver's "Rocky Mountain High Colorado".
Former NFL RB great OJ Simpson, who declined to dance the Fox Trot to "I Fought the Law and the Law Won".
And, finally, NFL Hall of Famer Lawrence Taylor, who refused to dance the new Horizontal Mambo to the tune of the classic 1959 hit, "Teen Angel".
Straight Talk. No Static.
MIKE - Thee American Made Voice on Sports
www.facebook.com/theemikefans
In a surprise twist, Dancing with the Stars' (DWTS) unparalleled success has now spawned a spin-off sports show slotted for next spring on affiliate network ESPN. Aptly named Dancing with Parole Model Sports Stars, the series is hustling to assemble its ESPN All-Star line-up as famous felons, foolish philanderers and other celebrated sports figures boasting run-ins with the law are competing for the show's Mirrorball Trophy.
While most elements remain under wraps, TMZ has leaked details of the spring 2011 season of Dancing with Parole Model Sports Stars series.
Viewers will witness legendary jocks in the show's familiar holding tank as they ready to appear before a live audience with studio judges Carrie Ann Inaba, Bruno Tonioli and Len Goodman. However, while recent DWTS stars typically found standing before judges intimidating, executive producers at ESPN believe their crop of culpable contestants will be fully confident, especially considering their previous courtroom appearances and prior criminal records.
Exactly which professional dancers will be assigned to the Dancing with Parole Model Sports Stars inaugural line-up is yet to be cast in concrete. However, ESPN producers have locked up early commitments from several parole model sports stars and have already selected a few opening night numbers for these five philanderers and currently unfettered offenders.
Top golfer Tiger Woods, who routinely demonstrated superior skill in stepping out during his former marriage, will perform the Quick Step to Carrie Underwood's "Maybe Next Time He'll Think Before He Cheats".
Boxing champion Floyd Mayweather, Jr., who was recently indicted on multiple charges to include domestic battery, is currently slated to perform the Paso Dobles to Pat Benitar's "Hit Me With Your Best Shot".
Legendary pitcher Roger Clemens, who has been needled unmercifully by the Press concerning his future incarcerated state, has been unintentionally - yet ironically - booked for Boogieing to Elvis' "Jailhouse Rock".
Suspended NFL QB and former Super Bowl MVP Ben Roethlisberger, who continued his carnal craving for curvaceous coeds, will be choreographed slithering across the dance floor to Charlie Daniels' "The Devil Went Down to Millidgeville, Georgia".
NY Yankee 3B Alex Rodriguez, whose self-centered reputation prompted producers to part with the DWTS tradition of two-party routines, was selected to be its first contestant ever to dance alone in the competition, Free Styling to Carly Simon's "You're So Vain".
While scores of current and former athletes have lined up to break in to ESPN's Dancing with Parole Model Sports Stars' inaugural season, a few defendants, ah, contestants, fell through. DWTS host Tom Bergeron reported on athletes who purportedly took issue with ESPN's selection of songs for their first night's routines. They included:
Las Angeles Laker Kobe Bryant, who refused to perform the Polks to John Denver's "Rocky Mountain High Colorado".
Former NFL RB great OJ Simpson, who declined to dance the Fox Trot to "I Fought the Law and the Law Won".
And, finally, NFL Hall of Famer Lawrence Taylor, who refused to dance the new Horizontal Mambo to the tune of the classic 1959 hit, "Teen Angel".
Straight Talk. No Static.
MIKE - Thee American Made Voice on Sports
www.facebook.com/theemikefans
Friday, September 17, 2010
Reggie Bush's Heisman Decision Prompts Other NFL Promises
Widespread speculation surrounding the NCAA's investigation finding that Reggie Bush and his family accepted cash and gifts from fledgling California sports agents prompted the 2005 Heisman winner to return the venerated Trophy.
The New Orleans Saints RB star's surprising decision spawned a series of other unlikely NFL players, coaches and teams to proffer these proclamations and generate the following gracious gestures.
NY Jets' cocky, corpulent coach Rex Ryan committed to construct a much better football team than the highly overrated one that never showed up for last Sunday night's nationally televised game on NBC.
Arizona Cardinals' management moved to waive 1st round pick Matt Leinart, so that the ex-USC QB bust could hone his skills and compete for a starting job on his old Pop Warner football team.
Tampa Bay Bucs, after an embarrassing opening day media blackout, vowed to draw more fans in the stands at Raymond James Stadium for their 2011 season kick-off than the total number of players who participated on the field in last week's battle between the Bucs and Browns.
New England Patriots' WR Randy Moss and Washington Redskins RB Clinton Portis guaranteed they'll continue to offer juicy, inane and selfish sound bites with Terrell Owens type flair until Commission Roger Goodell opts to step in and squash their reckless rants.
NJ Jets CB Antonio Cromartie, responding to HBO Hard Knocks' criticism of his irresponsible sexual behavior, pledged to remember the names and sexes of the seven children he fathered with six separate women in five different states during continuous one night stands over the past few years.
ESPN's John Clayton reports that the Heisman Trust in NYC will present Bush's return Trophy to the 2005 runner-up Vince Young as soon as they can identify the latest strip club where the former Texas QB is purported to spend all his time.
Straight Talk. No Static.
MIKE - Thee American Made Voice on Sports.
www.facebook.com/theemikefans
The New Orleans Saints RB star's surprising decision spawned a series of other unlikely NFL players, coaches and teams to proffer these proclamations and generate the following gracious gestures.
NY Jets' cocky, corpulent coach Rex Ryan committed to construct a much better football team than the highly overrated one that never showed up for last Sunday night's nationally televised game on NBC.
Arizona Cardinals' management moved to waive 1st round pick Matt Leinart, so that the ex-USC QB bust could hone his skills and compete for a starting job on his old Pop Warner football team.
Tampa Bay Bucs, after an embarrassing opening day media blackout, vowed to draw more fans in the stands at Raymond James Stadium for their 2011 season kick-off than the total number of players who participated on the field in last week's battle between the Bucs and Browns.
New England Patriots' WR Randy Moss and Washington Redskins RB Clinton Portis guaranteed they'll continue to offer juicy, inane and selfish sound bites with Terrell Owens type flair until Commission Roger Goodell opts to step in and squash their reckless rants.
NJ Jets CB Antonio Cromartie, responding to HBO Hard Knocks' criticism of his irresponsible sexual behavior, pledged to remember the names and sexes of the seven children he fathered with six separate women in five different states during continuous one night stands over the past few years.
ESPN's John Clayton reports that the Heisman Trust in NYC will present Bush's return Trophy to the 2005 runner-up Vince Young as soon as they can identify the latest strip club where the former Texas QB is purported to spend all his time.
Straight Talk. No Static.
MIKE - Thee American Made Voice on Sports.
www.facebook.com/theemikefans
Monday, September 13, 2010
Third Member of Notre Dame's Holy Trinity of Football Attacked
More shocking news reverberated around the Catholic football world this weekend, causing faithful Fighting Irish fans to fear for their eternal football salvation.
The third member of Notre Dame's venerated Holy Trinity of football, the Leprechaun, suffered an unexpected, unprecedented verbal attack during the school's nationally televised game versus the University of Michigan.
Unruly Wolverine fans unmercifully poked fun at the miniature bean pole clad in kelly green short shorts, knee high argyles and corny corn cob pipe. Fans from Ann Arbor taunted the Irish mascot to tears in his own stadium, suggesting that he couldn't intimidate a Teletubby and proffering that the pugnacious pixie shameless beat out a 90 year old nun for his mascot job. The unprovoked assault on Notre Dame's little greenie weenie comes at a precarious time in the history of the university's storied college football program.
Irish football fans were still reeling from two shocking incidences this year which nearly caused the gold dome on the South Bend campus to crumble and the Holy Trinity of Notre Dame football to unravel.
The first attack occurred last summer when a bolt of lightning struck Touch Down Jesus' iconic statue and sparked an ominous blow to Catholic football's Ground Zero. The second startling blow took place only last week as ND alumnus and Hall of Fame Super Bowl QB Joe Montana sacrilegiously questioned the authenticity of the athletic career of the school's beloved Rudy of major motion picture fame.
Finally, when this weekend's verbal effrontery by the Michigan fans forced the Notre Dame leprechaun to shake in his shamrock shorts, it appeared as if the bedrock under the Catholic football world would be irreparably shaken.
However, in true Catholic tradition, rosaries have been recited, candles have been lit and special masses have been said. To date, the plaster statue of Touch Down Jesus has been repaired. Rudy's reputation will be ultimately restored. And chances are good that Notre Dame's legendary Leprechaun will more than likely live on through this latest attack.
Straight Talk. No Static.
MIKE - Thee American Made Voice on Sports!
The third member of Notre Dame's venerated Holy Trinity of football, the Leprechaun, suffered an unexpected, unprecedented verbal attack during the school's nationally televised game versus the University of Michigan.
Unruly Wolverine fans unmercifully poked fun at the miniature bean pole clad in kelly green short shorts, knee high argyles and corny corn cob pipe. Fans from Ann Arbor taunted the Irish mascot to tears in his own stadium, suggesting that he couldn't intimidate a Teletubby and proffering that the pugnacious pixie shameless beat out a 90 year old nun for his mascot job. The unprovoked assault on Notre Dame's little greenie weenie comes at a precarious time in the history of the university's storied college football program.
Irish football fans were still reeling from two shocking incidences this year which nearly caused the gold dome on the South Bend campus to crumble and the Holy Trinity of Notre Dame football to unravel.
The first attack occurred last summer when a bolt of lightning struck Touch Down Jesus' iconic statue and sparked an ominous blow to Catholic football's Ground Zero. The second startling blow took place only last week as ND alumnus and Hall of Fame Super Bowl QB Joe Montana sacrilegiously questioned the authenticity of the athletic career of the school's beloved Rudy of major motion picture fame.
Finally, when this weekend's verbal effrontery by the Michigan fans forced the Notre Dame leprechaun to shake in his shamrock shorts, it appeared as if the bedrock under the Catholic football world would be irreparably shaken.
However, in true Catholic tradition, rosaries have been recited, candles have been lit and special masses have been said. To date, the plaster statue of Touch Down Jesus has been repaired. Rudy's reputation will be ultimately restored. And chances are good that Notre Dame's legendary Leprechaun will more than likely live on through this latest attack.
Straight Talk. No Static.
MIKE - Thee American Made Voice on Sports!
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Nike May Recall New Tim Tebow Shoes
Facing mounting pressure from special interest groups and the United States government, Nike may recall its new limited edition Tim Tebow Air Trainers.
The blue and orange Tebow endorsed shoes, which sold out on nikestore.com within 5 minutes last week, have sparked a firestorm of protests. Among the disgruntled groups are:
Southern Baptists, calling for a boycott of the sneaker giant, expressed outrage at Nike for naming the new Tebow shoe the Air Trainer 1.2 instead of the John 3:16.
Jesse Jackson, threatening to picket Denver Bronco home games this season, assailed Nike for failing to offer similar shoe deals to other NFL back-up quarterbacks of color.
Pro Choice groups, still steaming from the QB's Pro Life Super Bowl ad earlier this year, protested that the Tebow endorsed shoes infringe upon a woman's constitutional right to choose. Pro Choicers plan to boycott not only Nike, but also Jockey, Bible makers and all other products associated with the evangelical NFL rookie.
The ACLU, claiming the Promise decal on the the shoes' heel is another Tebow attempt to proselytize his faith, filed suit in Federal Court against the NFL to protect every American football fan's fundamental right to separation of church and state.
Finally, Homeland Security reporting that any purchaser wearing the new Tebow shoes demonstrated an ability to walk on water while leaving no discernable footprints in the sand, raised its Threat Level to Red. The Department feared that terrorists would go undetected if they wore the new Tebow shoes.
However, Cincinnati safety Kyries Hebert was quick to challenge Homeland Security's charge by offering, "The new Tebow shoes may not leave footprints in the sand, but when #15 runs over you on the goal line, they definitely engrave cleat marks on your forehead."
Straight talk. No static.
MIKE - thee American made voice on sports.
www.facebook.com/theemikefans
The blue and orange Tebow endorsed shoes, which sold out on nikestore.com within 5 minutes last week, have sparked a firestorm of protests. Among the disgruntled groups are:
Southern Baptists, calling for a boycott of the sneaker giant, expressed outrage at Nike for naming the new Tebow shoe the Air Trainer 1.2 instead of the John 3:16.
Jesse Jackson, threatening to picket Denver Bronco home games this season, assailed Nike for failing to offer similar shoe deals to other NFL back-up quarterbacks of color.
Pro Choice groups, still steaming from the QB's Pro Life Super Bowl ad earlier this year, protested that the Tebow endorsed shoes infringe upon a woman's constitutional right to choose. Pro Choicers plan to boycott not only Nike, but also Jockey, Bible makers and all other products associated with the evangelical NFL rookie.
The ACLU, claiming the Promise decal on the the shoes' heel is another Tebow attempt to proselytize his faith, filed suit in Federal Court against the NFL to protect every American football fan's fundamental right to separation of church and state.
Finally, Homeland Security reporting that any purchaser wearing the new Tebow shoes demonstrated an ability to walk on water while leaving no discernable footprints in the sand, raised its Threat Level to Red. The Department feared that terrorists would go undetected if they wore the new Tebow shoes.
However, Cincinnati safety Kyries Hebert was quick to challenge Homeland Security's charge by offering, "The new Tebow shoes may not leave footprints in the sand, but when #15 runs over you on the goal line, they definitely engrave cleat marks on your forehead."
Straight talk. No static.
MIKE - thee American made voice on sports.
www.facebook.com/theemikefans
Monday, August 16, 2010
Kim Kardashian Now Linked to NY Yankee Legend
"It's like deja-vu all over again!"
Kim Kardashian, famous for being famous for foraging after flashy football players, is once again romantically linked to another celebrity athlete - this time a jock from a different sport. And it's not soccer super star Cristiano Rinaldo or hooper Lebron James.
Hint. . . he's a lifelong NY Yankee, but it's not Derek Jeter. No, not even A-Rod.
This weekend, TMZ caught Kim Kardashian cuddling in a corner at Kutsher's in the Catskills with none other than legendary NY Yankee Yogi Berra. Yup, Berra, as in the original Yogi and former Bronx Bomber all star catcher and manager.
TMZ photographed the curious couple biting into their blintzes at the retirement resort's 4pm early bird buffet. The octogenarian has reportedly fallen fast for the flirtatious Kim, who bears a striking resemblance to ol' No. 8's great-granddaughter's niece.
Though the news shocked Kim's fans, it didn't rock either of Kim's gold digging sisters. Khloe commented that Kim was unfulfilled while linked to future Hall of Famers and wanted the immediate gratification of having a revered sports icon at her side.
Kourtney advised Kim to hook her Hall of Famer now . . . even if her new beau's bronze bust was bestowed in Cooperstown four decades ago!
ESPN reported that Berra bested another potential suitor and nuptial contender, NY Jets Superbowl III hero Joe Namath. Although Broadway Joe purportedly texted Kim hourly and sent bountiful bouquets of flowers to her LA digs, Kim shared with confidants that the 67-year-old Joe Willie was just too young and fell short of Kim's "bling" prerequisites. Joe only won one Super Bowl ring and two MVP awards during his career, while Yogi amassed three MVP trophies and a whopping 13 World Series titles.
For the guy who said, "A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore," let's see how Yogi handles the socialite's prodigious penchant for pearls, paparazzi and panache.
Kris Kardashian Jenner, Kim's maternal role model and sports celebrity marrying mom, voiced concern over her eldest daughter's choice for a new paramour. However, Berra immediately reinforced his commitment to keep up with the 30-year-old Kardashian, echoing quotes he made famous decades ago.
"In spite of our fifty year age disparity . . . . our similarities are just different." Then, Berra boyishly beamed, "I'm optimistic, and this relationship ain't over till it's over."
So, let's keep a careful watch over the lovable Berra. Because with Kim Kardashian in the mix, like Yogi says, "It's like deja-vu all over again."
Straight Talk. No Static.
MIKE - Thee American Made Voice on Sports
www.facebook.com/theemikefans
Kim Kardashian, famous for being famous for foraging after flashy football players, is once again romantically linked to another celebrity athlete - this time a jock from a different sport. And it's not soccer super star Cristiano Rinaldo or hooper Lebron James.
Hint. . . he's a lifelong NY Yankee, but it's not Derek Jeter. No, not even A-Rod.
This weekend, TMZ caught Kim Kardashian cuddling in a corner at Kutsher's in the Catskills with none other than legendary NY Yankee Yogi Berra. Yup, Berra, as in the original Yogi and former Bronx Bomber all star catcher and manager.
TMZ photographed the curious couple biting into their blintzes at the retirement resort's 4pm early bird buffet. The octogenarian has reportedly fallen fast for the flirtatious Kim, who bears a striking resemblance to ol' No. 8's great-granddaughter's niece.
Though the news shocked Kim's fans, it didn't rock either of Kim's gold digging sisters. Khloe commented that Kim was unfulfilled while linked to future Hall of Famers and wanted the immediate gratification of having a revered sports icon at her side.
Kourtney advised Kim to hook her Hall of Famer now . . . even if her new beau's bronze bust was bestowed in Cooperstown four decades ago!
ESPN reported that Berra bested another potential suitor and nuptial contender, NY Jets Superbowl III hero Joe Namath. Although Broadway Joe purportedly texted Kim hourly and sent bountiful bouquets of flowers to her LA digs, Kim shared with confidants that the 67-year-old Joe Willie was just too young and fell short of Kim's "bling" prerequisites. Joe only won one Super Bowl ring and two MVP awards during his career, while Yogi amassed three MVP trophies and a whopping 13 World Series titles.
For the guy who said, "A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore," let's see how Yogi handles the socialite's prodigious penchant for pearls, paparazzi and panache.
Kris Kardashian Jenner, Kim's maternal role model and sports celebrity marrying mom, voiced concern over her eldest daughter's choice for a new paramour. However, Berra immediately reinforced his commitment to keep up with the 30-year-old Kardashian, echoing quotes he made famous decades ago.
"In spite of our fifty year age disparity . . . . our similarities are just different." Then, Berra boyishly beamed, "I'm optimistic, and this relationship ain't over till it's over."
So, let's keep a careful watch over the lovable Berra. Because with Kim Kardashian in the mix, like Yogi says, "It's like deja-vu all over again."
Straight Talk. No Static.
MIKE - Thee American Made Voice on Sports
www.facebook.com/theemikefans
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Another NY Jet Bitter Contract Dispute
Bitter contract disputes may thwart this year's NY Jets' Super Bowl run.
The NY Jets announced today that another key member of its organization is seeking a lucrative long term deal and has still not reported to the team's training camp.
In addition to all pro cornerback Darrelle Revis, Jets' Towel Boy (name withheld for fear of retribution from team's rabid fans) is holding out after just one good year in the locker room. Towel Boy is demanding his contract be renegotiated to include more guaranteed money, a better supply of ultra fabric softener and the new commercial grade, super capacity Whirlpool Pro with tumble dry and special heated racks.
Towel Boy's agents scoffed at what they considered to be the Jets' recent paltry offer. Citing last year's deal signed by an Oakland Raiders' locker room attendant (name also withheld because it's impossible to pronounce, let alone spell), agents argued that the Jets' star Towel Boy is far better at gathering, washing, rinsing and folding than his Left Coast counterpart and should be paid appropriately for his domestic dexterity and all star skills.
Jets' coach and prodigious perspirer Rex Ryan intervened, offering to have Towel Boy and his entourage sit down with Jets players and management to hammer out a new deal. Ryan ranted, "We need towels and we need them now! It's hot out there and our guys are really sweating."
HBO's "Hard Knocks" also reported that Towel Boy may be receiving misguided counsel from a cousin, a former star NFL equipment manager and graduate of the same Big East university in western Pennsylvania.
Until Jets owner Woody Johnson resolves the Revis and Towel Boy drama, Jets' players have been grudgingly bringing their own towels to practice.
NY Jets management will need to stop the spin cycle of the Revis and Towel Boy talks soon; otherwise, Gang Green's chances of a 2011 Super Bowl title may be all washed up.
Straight Talk. No Static.
MIKE - Thee American Made Voice on Sports
www.facebook.com/theemikefans
The NY Jets announced today that another key member of its organization is seeking a lucrative long term deal and has still not reported to the team's training camp.
In addition to all pro cornerback Darrelle Revis, Jets' Towel Boy (name withheld for fear of retribution from team's rabid fans) is holding out after just one good year in the locker room. Towel Boy is demanding his contract be renegotiated to include more guaranteed money, a better supply of ultra fabric softener and the new commercial grade, super capacity Whirlpool Pro with tumble dry and special heated racks.
Towel Boy's agents scoffed at what they considered to be the Jets' recent paltry offer. Citing last year's deal signed by an Oakland Raiders' locker room attendant (name also withheld because it's impossible to pronounce, let alone spell), agents argued that the Jets' star Towel Boy is far better at gathering, washing, rinsing and folding than his Left Coast counterpart and should be paid appropriately for his domestic dexterity and all star skills.
Jets' coach and prodigious perspirer Rex Ryan intervened, offering to have Towel Boy and his entourage sit down with Jets players and management to hammer out a new deal. Ryan ranted, "We need towels and we need them now! It's hot out there and our guys are really sweating."
HBO's "Hard Knocks" also reported that Towel Boy may be receiving misguided counsel from a cousin, a former star NFL equipment manager and graduate of the same Big East university in western Pennsylvania.
Until Jets owner Woody Johnson resolves the Revis and Towel Boy drama, Jets' players have been grudgingly bringing their own towels to practice.
NY Jets management will need to stop the spin cycle of the Revis and Towel Boy talks soon; otherwise, Gang Green's chances of a 2011 Super Bowl title may be all washed up.
Straight Talk. No Static.
MIKE - Thee American Made Voice on Sports
www.facebook.com/theemikefans
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