Monday, December 6, 2010

FIFA Awards 2022 World Cup to Qatar (Satire)

(Satire) On December 2, 2010, FIFA officially announced Qatar as host country of the 2022 World Cup.

FIFA's surprising selection of this little known, oft-mispronounced Persian Gulf Emirate is cited as a "courageous step into new territory." Yea, kinda like intentionally marching right off the nearest cliff!

Despite Qatar's location in a politically unstable region with no football (soccer) playing history and scorching desert heat that could melt an Adidas soccer ball, FIFA President Seth Blatter boldly proclaimed, "The World Cup will now go to new lands!"

The President's confident comment prompted immediate worldwide reaction from incredulous soccer enthusiasts - many sarcastically suggesting that FIFA could also have chosen Mars - whose lunar landscape, extreme weather conditions and non-existent population base closely mirror that of the newly appointed 2022 host nation.

Nevertheless, FIFA's daring decision to challenge conventional thinking by voting Qatar as the 2022 World Cup host immediately galvanized other audacious moves in the sports world; namely:

In Lausanne, Switzerland - International Olympic Committee President Jacques Bogge quickly named Honolulu, Hawaii over Annecy, France; Munich, Germany; and Pyeongchang, South Korea as host city of the 2018 Winter Olympic games. Bogge noted that Waikiki's beautiful weather couldn't be any warmer than what skiiers, bob sledders and skaters experienced at the 2010 Winter Games held in Vancouver, BC.

In New York City - NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell awarded Dhaka, Bangladesh as site of Super Bowl 53. Defending this newest venue, Goodell noted that despite knowing nothing about this uniquely American sport, this Third World country holds manufacturing rights to most of the NFL licensed apparel and certainly deserves a run as host city to the event.

In Charlotte, North Carolina - NASCAR officials announced a new Interstate 95 Race as part of its Spring Cup series. NASCAR President Mike Helton boasted that the Interstate's well established infrastructure up and down the eastern seaboard would allow increased visibility for the sport while showcasing the excellence of NASCAR drivers as they deftly navigate rush hour traffic on both the NJ Turnpike and Washington, DC's famed Beltway.

Finally, back in the celebrating city of Doha, Qatar, fashion designers unveiled (no pun intended) a dazzling black burqa as official female apparel for World Cup 2022. Now, not only the women of Qatar but every female fan expecting to attend the event can don this chic new cover-up while they brave the Arab Emirate's blazing sun and daily temperatures of 118 degrees.

Straight Talk. No Static.

MIKE - Thee American Made Voice on Sports

www.facebook.com/theemikefans

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Auburn QB Cam Newton Cleared by NCAA for SEC Championship Game

(Satire) This week the NCAA declared Auburn University star QB Cam Newton eligible to play in Saturday's SEC championship game versus Steve Spurrier's South Carolina Gamecocks.

Emboldened and energized by the NCAA's decision, Newton's embattled father Cecil escalated his future demands regarding his Heisman hopeful son.

The elder Newton mandated these Mariah Carey-type diva demands, requiring that:

The Heisman Trophy would need to be plated in 18 carat gold, so that is Cam is ultimately selected, Cecil could melt down the metal to help cover his burgeoning legal expenses.

Frito Lay would need to name a new chip after the younger Newton if the stellar QB advances past South Caroline to the Tostitos BCS championship game in Glendale, Arizona on January 10, 2011.

Dell Computers would need to funish Cam with a lifetime supply of laptops, so that the pilfering QB prodigy wouldn't be tempted to steal another on in the future, further risking his NFL eligibility and marketability.

Cecil Newton could not be reached for comment. He was purportedly behind closed doors, shamelessly offering would be sports agent Kenny Rogers a second chance of bringing in bigger bucks, while Cam is still eiligible.

Straight Talk. No Static.

MIKE - Thee American Made Voice on Sports

www.facebook.com/theemikefans

Friday, October 1, 2010

Facebook's New Sports Feature (satire)

Coinciding perfectly with today's release of The Social Network movie, Facebook has introduced a new feature of its own - certain to become every sports fan's favorite.

Filling an urgent need on the web's most celebrated social site, Facebook's new Dis-Like button combats the shameless self-promotion of the sports world's biggest unbridled egos by affording frustrated fans the opportunity to stem the internet's newest STD (socially transmitted disease, that is) of tasteless sports celebrity hype.

Certain to become the web's latest viral sensation, Facebook's limited edition Dis-Like button is patterned after Homeland Security's color coded threat advisory system and reserved only for the most overblown egos in the sports world.

Facebook's new sports specific, multi-tiered feature allows users to display their personal distaste for self-absorbed jocks using this brilliantly simple annoyance alert system.

Wanna K.O. T.O.'s mindless chatter? Press the new yellow Dis-Like button for elevated annoyance and choose a complimentary Bag of Hot Air emoticon to appear next to the Bengal receiver's name and picture.

Wanna Deep 6 Ocho Cinco and drive Chad a little poco loco? Press the new orange Dis-Like button for high annoyance which will automatically attach a Thumbs Down icon next to Chad's photo, so your Facebook Friends can share their same Dis-Like with all of their Facebook Friends....up to 85 times apiece.

Wanna Short Circuit Shaq? Press the new red Dis-Like button for severe annoyance which automatically shuts down this shameless self-promoter on your Wall and instantly reports Big Diesel's boorish behavior to Facebook's on-line police.

Social network experts predict that Facebook's new sports feature will quickly emerge as the perfect antidote for overblown egos of overconfident athletes whose excessive self-promotion is crying out for curtailment.

Liking Facebook's new Dis-Like button - soon to be every sports fan's favorite.

This is MIKE - thee American made voice on sports!
www.facebook.com/theemikefans

Sunday, September 19, 2010

ESPN Announces Dancing with the Stars Spin-off (Satire)

Dancing with the Stars kicks off Monday on ABC.

In a surprise twist, Dancing with the Stars' (DWTS) unparalleled success has now spawned a spin-off sports show slotted for next spring on affiliate network ESPN. Aptly named Dancing with Parole Model Sports Stars, the series is hustling to assemble its ESPN All-Star line-up as famous felons, foolish philanderers and other celebrated sports figures boasting run-ins with the law are competing for the show's Mirrorball Trophy.

While most elements remain under wraps, TMZ has leaked details of the spring 2011 season of Dancing with Parole Model Sports Stars series.

Viewers will witness legendary jocks in the show's familiar holding tank as they ready to appear before a live audience with studio judges Carrie Ann Inaba, Bruno Tonioli and Len Goodman. However, while recent DWTS stars typically found standing before judges intimidating, executive producers at ESPN believe their crop of culpable contestants will be fully confident, especially considering their previous courtroom appearances and prior criminal records.

Exactly which professional dancers will be assigned to the Dancing with Parole Model Sports Stars inaugural line-up is yet to be cast in concrete. However, ESPN producers have locked up early commitments from several parole model sports stars and have already selected a few opening night numbers for these five philanderers and currently unfettered offenders.

Top golfer Tiger Woods, who routinely demonstrated superior skill in stepping out during his former marriage, will perform the Quick Step to Carrie Underwood's "Maybe Next Time He'll Think Before He Cheats".

Boxing champion Floyd Mayweather, Jr., who was recently indicted on multiple charges to include domestic battery, is currently slated to perform the Paso Dobles to Pat Benitar's "Hit Me With Your Best Shot".

Legendary pitcher Roger Clemens, who has been needled unmercifully by the Press concerning his future incarcerated state, has been unintentionally - yet ironically - booked for Boogieing to Elvis' "Jailhouse Rock".

Suspended NFL QB and former Super Bowl MVP Ben Roethlisberger, who continued his carnal craving for curvaceous coeds, will be choreographed slithering across the dance floor to Charlie Daniels' "The Devil Went Down to Millidgeville, Georgia".

NY Yankee 3B Alex Rodriguez, whose self-centered reputation prompted producers to part with the DWTS tradition of two-party routines, was selected to be its first contestant ever to dance alone in the competition, Free Styling to Carly Simon's "You're So Vain".

While scores of current and former athletes have lined up to break in to ESPN's Dancing with Parole Model Sports Stars' inaugural season, a few defendants, ah, contestants, fell through. DWTS host Tom Bergeron reported on athletes who purportedly took issue with ESPN's selection of songs for their first night's routines. They included:

Las Angeles Laker Kobe Bryant, who refused to perform the Polks to John Denver's "Rocky Mountain High Colorado".

Former NFL RB great OJ Simpson, who declined to dance the Fox Trot to "I Fought the Law and the Law Won".

And, finally, NFL Hall of Famer Lawrence Taylor, who refused to dance the new Horizontal Mambo to the tune of the classic 1959 hit, "Teen Angel".

Straight Talk. No Static.

MIKE - Thee American Made Voice on Sports

www.facebook.com/theemikefans

Friday, September 17, 2010

Reggie Bush's Heisman Decision Prompts Other NFL Promises

Widespread speculation surrounding the NCAA's investigation finding that Reggie Bush and his family accepted cash and gifts from fledgling California sports agents prompted the 2005 Heisman winner to return the venerated Trophy.

The New Orleans Saints RB star's surprising decision spawned a series of other unlikely NFL players, coaches and teams to proffer these proclamations and generate the following gracious gestures.

NY Jets' cocky, corpulent coach Rex Ryan committed to construct a much better football team than the highly overrated one that never showed up for last Sunday night's nationally televised game on NBC.

Arizona Cardinals' management moved to waive 1st round pick Matt Leinart, so that the ex-USC QB bust could hone his skills and compete for a starting job on his old Pop Warner football team.

Tampa Bay Bucs, after an embarrassing opening day media blackout, vowed to draw more fans in the stands at Raymond James Stadium for their 2011 season kick-off than the total number of players who participated on the field in last week's battle between the Bucs and Browns.

New England Patriots' WR Randy Moss and Washington Redskins RB Clinton Portis guaranteed they'll continue to offer juicy, inane and selfish sound bites with Terrell Owens type flair until Commission Roger Goodell opts to step in and squash their reckless rants.

NJ Jets CB Antonio Cromartie, responding to HBO Hard Knocks' criticism of his irresponsible sexual behavior, pledged to remember the names and sexes of the seven children he fathered with six separate women in five different states during continuous one night stands over the past few years.

ESPN's John Clayton reports that the Heisman Trust in NYC will present Bush's return Trophy to the 2005 runner-up Vince Young as soon as they can identify the latest strip club where the former Texas QB is purported to spend all his time.

Straight Talk. No Static.

MIKE - Thee American Made Voice on Sports.

www.facebook.com/theemikefans

Monday, September 13, 2010

Third Member of Notre Dame's Holy Trinity of Football Attacked

More shocking news reverberated around the Catholic football world this weekend, causing faithful Fighting Irish fans to fear for their eternal football salvation.

The third member of Notre Dame's venerated Holy Trinity of football, the Leprechaun, suffered an unexpected, unprecedented verbal attack during the school's nationally televised game versus the University of Michigan.

Unruly Wolverine fans unmercifully poked fun at the miniature bean pole clad in kelly green short shorts, knee high argyles and corny corn cob pipe. Fans from Ann Arbor taunted the Irish mascot to tears in his own stadium, suggesting that he couldn't intimidate a Teletubby and proffering that the pugnacious pixie shameless beat out a 90 year old nun for his mascot job. The unprovoked assault on Notre Dame's little greenie weenie comes at a precarious time in the history of the university's storied college football program.

Irish football fans were still reeling from two shocking incidences this year which nearly caused the gold dome on the South Bend campus to crumble and the Holy Trinity of Notre Dame football to unravel.

The first attack occurred last summer when a bolt of lightning struck Touch Down Jesus' iconic statue and sparked an ominous blow to Catholic football's Ground Zero. The second startling blow took place only last week as ND alumnus and Hall of Fame Super Bowl QB Joe Montana sacrilegiously questioned the authenticity of the athletic career of the school's beloved Rudy of major motion picture fame.

Finally, when this weekend's verbal effrontery by the Michigan fans forced the Notre Dame leprechaun to shake in his shamrock shorts, it appeared as if the bedrock under the Catholic football world would be irreparably shaken.

However, in true Catholic tradition, rosaries have been recited, candles have been lit and special masses have been said. To date, the plaster statue of Touch Down Jesus has been repaired. Rudy's reputation will be ultimately restored. And chances are good that Notre Dame's legendary Leprechaun will more than likely live on through this latest attack.

Straight Talk. No Static.

MIKE - Thee American Made Voice on Sports!

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Nike May Recall New Tim Tebow Shoes

Facing mounting pressure from special interest groups and the United States government, Nike may recall its new limited edition Tim Tebow Air Trainers.

The blue and orange Tebow endorsed shoes, which sold out on nikestore.com within 5 minutes last week, have sparked a firestorm of protests. Among the disgruntled groups are:

Southern Baptists, calling for a boycott of the sneaker giant, expressed outrage at Nike for naming the new Tebow shoe the Air Trainer 1.2 instead of the John 3:16.

Jesse Jackson, threatening to picket Denver Bronco home games this season, assailed Nike for failing to offer similar shoe deals to other NFL back-up quarterbacks of color.

Pro Choice groups, still steaming from the QB's Pro Life Super Bowl ad earlier this year, protested that the Tebow endorsed shoes infringe upon a woman's constitutional right to choose. Pro Choicers plan to boycott not only Nike, but also Jockey, Bible makers and all other products associated with the evangelical NFL rookie.

The ACLU, claiming the Promise decal on the the shoes' heel is another Tebow attempt to proselytize his faith, filed suit in Federal Court against the NFL to protect every American football fan's fundamental right to separation of church and state.

Finally, Homeland Security reporting that any purchaser wearing the new Tebow shoes demonstrated an ability to walk on water while leaving no discernable footprints in the sand, raised its Threat Level to Red. The Department feared that terrorists would go undetected if they wore the new Tebow shoes.

However, Cincinnati safety Kyries Hebert was quick to challenge Homeland Security's charge by offering, "The new Tebow shoes may not leave footprints in the sand, but when #15 runs over you on the goal line, they definitely engrave cleat marks on your forehead."

Straight talk. No static.

MIKE - thee American made voice on sports.
www.facebook.com/theemikefans

Monday, August 16, 2010

Kim Kardashian Now Linked to NY Yankee Legend

"It's like deja-vu all over again!"

Kim Kardashian, famous for being famous for foraging after flashy football players, is once again romantically linked to another celebrity athlete - this time a jock from a different sport. And it's not soccer super star Cristiano Rinaldo or hooper Lebron James.

Hint. . . he's a lifelong NY Yankee, but it's not Derek Jeter. No, not even A-Rod.

This weekend, TMZ caught Kim Kardashian cuddling in a corner at Kutsher's in the Catskills with none other than legendary NY Yankee Yogi Berra. Yup, Berra, as in the original Yogi and former Bronx Bomber all star catcher and manager.

TMZ photographed the curious couple biting into their blintzes at the retirement resort's 4pm early bird buffet. The octogenarian has reportedly fallen fast for the flirtatious Kim, who bears a striking resemblance to ol' No. 8's great-granddaughter's niece.

Though the news shocked Kim's fans, it didn't rock either of Kim's gold digging sisters. Khloe commented that Kim was unfulfilled while linked to future Hall of Famers and wanted the immediate gratification of having a revered sports icon at her side.

Kourtney advised Kim to hook her Hall of Famer now . . . even if her new beau's bronze bust was bestowed in Cooperstown four decades ago!

ESPN reported that Berra bested another potential suitor and nuptial contender, NY Jets Superbowl III hero Joe Namath. Although Broadway Joe purportedly texted Kim hourly and sent bountiful bouquets of flowers to her LA digs, Kim shared with confidants that the 67-year-old Joe Willie was just too young and fell short of Kim's "bling" prerequisites. Joe only won one Super Bowl ring and two MVP awards during his career, while Yogi amassed three MVP trophies and a whopping 13 World Series titles.

For the guy who said, "A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore," let's see how Yogi handles the socialite's prodigious penchant for pearls, paparazzi and panache.

Kris Kardashian Jenner, Kim's maternal role model and sports celebrity marrying mom, voiced concern over her eldest daughter's choice for a new paramour. However, Berra immediately reinforced his commitment to keep up with the 30-year-old Kardashian, echoing quotes he made famous decades ago.

"In spite of our fifty year age disparity . . . . our similarities are just different." Then, Berra boyishly beamed, "I'm optimistic, and this relationship ain't over till it's over."

So, let's keep a careful watch over the lovable Berra. Because with Kim Kardashian in the mix, like Yogi says, "It's like deja-vu all over again."

Straight Talk. No Static.

MIKE - Thee American Made Voice on Sports
www.facebook.com/theemikefans

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Another NY Jet Bitter Contract Dispute

Bitter contract disputes may thwart this year's NY Jets' Super Bowl run.

The NY Jets announced today that another key member of its organization is seeking a lucrative long term deal and has still not reported to the team's training camp.

In addition to all pro cornerback Darrelle Revis, Jets' Towel Boy (name withheld for fear of retribution from team's rabid fans) is holding out after just one good year in the locker room. Towel Boy is demanding his contract be renegotiated to include more guaranteed money, a better supply of ultra fabric softener and the new commercial grade, super capacity Whirlpool Pro with tumble dry and special heated racks.

Towel Boy's agents scoffed at what they considered to be the Jets' recent paltry offer. Citing last year's deal signed by an Oakland Raiders' locker room attendant (name also withheld because it's impossible to pronounce, let alone spell), agents argued that the Jets' star Towel Boy is far better at gathering, washing, rinsing and folding than his Left Coast counterpart and should be paid appropriately for his domestic dexterity and all star skills.

Jets' coach and prodigious perspirer Rex Ryan intervened, offering to have Towel Boy and his entourage sit down with Jets players and management to hammer out a new deal. Ryan ranted, "We need towels and we need them now! It's hot out there and our guys are really sweating."

HBO's "Hard Knocks" also reported that Towel Boy may be receiving misguided counsel from a cousin, a former star NFL equipment manager and graduate of the same Big East university in western Pennsylvania.

Until Jets owner Woody Johnson resolves the Revis and Towel Boy drama, Jets' players have been grudgingly bringing their own towels to practice.

NY Jets management will need to stop the spin cycle of the Revis and Towel Boy talks soon; otherwise, Gang Green's chances of a 2011 Super Bowl title may be all washed up.

Straight Talk. No Static.

MIKE - Thee American Made Voice on Sports
www.facebook.com/theemikefans

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Coca-Cola's Vitamin Water Confession

Sports fans are still laughing after learning last week that Coca-Cola admitted in US District Court that its sports drink Vitamin Water is not a healthy beverage and that it violates FDA food fortification and product naming guidelines.

Imagine that! Only a handful of actual vitamins in a sports drink called Vitamin Water from our "health conscious" friends at Coca-Cola, makers of the "nutritiously rich" Fanta, Fresca, TAB, Pibb Xtra and Mellow Yellow soft drink brands.

So, who will be the next national advertiser who needs to come clean with the American sports fan?

Will Gatorade finally disclose what's actually in you...or us...or it?

Will Nike implore customers to finally stop doing it, i.e. overpaying for their ridiculously over-priced sneakers and athletic apparel?

Will AT&T change its slogan to "Fewer Bars in More Places" to more accurately reflect its at times woeful cellular service?

Will Budweiser report that the same flat-stomached, buxom blondes in their commercials never actually drink their weight gaining product?

Will GEICO fess up that they may have saved you 15% in car insurance, but they raised your deductible to $5,000?

And will McDonald's, Burger King and Taco Bell all be forced to admit that most of their fast food has less nutritional value than say.....Coca-Cola's Vitamin Water?

You get my drift.

I probably could have thiught up plenty more examples of these artificial ads, but I didn't take a Lunesta and stay at a Holiday Inn last night.

Straight talk. No static.

MIKE - thee American made voice on sports!
www.facebook.com/theemikefans

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Albert Haynesworth Passes Redskins' Test - Satire

Washington Redskins' defensive tackle Albert Haynesworth finally passed his mandatory conditioning test yesterday at the team's practice facility in Ashburn, VA.

Haynesworth successfully completed two sets of back-and-forth 25-yard sprints, passing two dozen buffet tables laden with barbequed ribs, Southern fried chicken, hot biscuits and gravy, and double-dipped chocolate donuts with sprinkles . . . all in under the required four minutes with just a ninety minute nap in between.

With iceburg quickness, Haynesworth exhibited amazing willpower as he lumbered by both rows of bountiful fried feasts and delectable desserts.

Redskins coach Mike Shanahan praised his $100M+ defensive tackle's poise under pressure, commenting, "The fried chicken smelled and looked especially good!"

However, Shanahan feared Haynesworth may have re-tweeked his sore left knee shortly before ending his obligatory run when Big 92 stopped, in cruise ship type suddenness, for a second whiff of the barbequed spare ribs.

Washington's medical staff quickly reported that Haynesworth's knee would be re-examined and that the run stopper's daily diet of carrots, sesame seeds, tofu and a 6 oz. lean chicken breast would be closely monitored.

Haynesworth, who had not spoken to the media before Saturday, publicly thanked Biggest Loser's Jillian Michaels for coaching through this arduous and tempting ordeal.

The Redskins' star lineman now faces his next big test. Can he successfully get off the field when substituted . . . .before the NFL's 25 second play clock expires . . . or will he need to stop for a snack before reaching the sidelines?

Straight Talk. No Static.

MIKE - Thee American Made Voice on Sports!
http://www.facebook.com/theemikefans

Saturday, August 7, 2010

Knuckleheaded Knicks

Tell me James Dolan and Donnie Walsh aren't a couple of Knuckleheaded Knicks.

What on earth were they thinking? I didn't know whether to laugh, cry or scream upon learning the news that these two senior NBA executives re-signed former NY Knicks President and Coach Isaiah Thomas as a special consultant to their organization.

Dolan's and Walsh's decision to rehire Thomas is deplorably, ridiculously, irresponsibly disgusting. Their knuckledheaded move sends the WRONG message.....that anyone can get rehired by your former employee even after you:

1. fail miserably at your job as a coach with a woeful 23-59 record in 2007-08

2. cost your former bosses $11.6 million to settle a lawsuit you caused

3. sexually harass a woman who worked for you

and worse yet...

4. throw your very own daughter under the proverbial bus when the police respond to your home to investigate your purported drug overdose / suicide.

I'm very curious to see whether self-righteous NBA Commissioner David Stern, so protective of the league's declining image, weighs in on this abhorent NY Knicks news.

In a professional basketball league where "Amazing Happens" there should never be any room for the reprehensible decisions of Knuckleheaded Knicks.

Straight talk. No static.

MIKE - thee American Made Voice on Sports!
www.facebook.com/theemikefans

Friday, August 6, 2010

No Penance for Pitino

Another fallen skirt chaser in the sports world will not be disciplined.

University of Louisville Athletic Director Tom Jurich reiterated his school's unwavering support for Men's Basketball Coach Rick Pitino yesterday following the conviction of Karen Cunagin Sypher, 50, for attempting to extort millions from the Cardinals' high profile coach after their tawdry tryst.

The skirt chasing Pitino's foolish philandering in 2003 has cost him and his school public embarrassment and national ridicule. However, Slick Rick won't face any disciplinary action from the university or, at this time, from the NCAA.

Astonishingly, the Big East School earlier this year awarded Pitino with a four year contract extension through 2017. As many Catholics expressed, "What a Cardinal sin of epic proportions!"

This torrid tale would not be so tawdry and worth retelling had it not been for Pitino presenting himself as a paragon of family values while parading around with a Parish priest and piously pontificating about Catholic principles.

The media has had lots of fallen skirt chasers to report on these days, and Rick Pitino hasn't been the only adulterer asking for forgiveness for his duplicitous decisions. Pittsburgh Steeler QB Ben Roethlisberger regretted running after a Goergia vixen, and iconic golfer Tiger Woods apologized for his serial indiscretions. While the NFL suspended Big Ben for the start of the season, the PGA Tour took a much different approach and never even attempted to correct the wayward Woods - the sport's undisputed cash cow.

So, it'll interesting to witness which philandering philosophy the usually conservative NCAA embraces as the lurid details of Pitino's frolicking and subsequent cover-up have publicly unfolded. Will the NCAA face Pitino's foibles straight fowardly and formally kick his can to the curb for violating the collegiate organization's morality standards? Or, will the NCAA support Louisville and stauchly stand by its "stud" coach like the the PGA Tour's laughable loyalty to its lecherous lout? After all, aren't there 20,000 seats in Louisville's new downtown arena that need to be filled?

The University of Louisville had the opportunity to take a stand by setting the example that wanna-be womanizers need to keep their zippers zipped.

Now, it's the NCAA's turn to prescribe penance for Pitino's pathetic hypocrisy.

Staright talk, No static.

MIKE - thee American made voice on sports!

Thursday, August 5, 2010

SHAQ-tastrophe!

The Celtics are courting SHAQ-tastrophe!

Last season's NBA Finals Runner Ups are flaunting with failure as the Celtics have signed 38-year-old former NBA All-Star Shaquille O'Neal to a two year contract.

In this coming NBA season, look for a series of SHAQ-tastrophes beginning with a kelly green clad sputtering Big Diesel lumbering down the parquet court of Boston's TD Bank and North Garden.

Already limited in its fast break, an aged Celtics team has added the glacier quick Shaq to its squad. . . certain to tether itself further to the immovable foundation of Boston's iconic John Hancock Building.

At first, watch the plodding Planet Cryptonite schmooze teammates with his signature shuck and jive and influence his new Boston friends with a feigned team-first philosophy. However, O'Neal's game has always been Shaq vs. . . well . . . everybody else . . . 'cause it's always been all about 7' 1" and 335+ pounds of Shaq and his monumental ego.

Then, just wait till December, when Shaq Daddy wants more touches and disheartened guards like Rajon Rondo and Nate Robinson howl at the horrific sight of this Big Fella hampering their way to the hoop.

Worse yet, wait until February, when the original Celtic Big 3 of Ray Allen, Paul Pierce and Kevin Garnett have had enough hubris from this new Hulking Ham in the Hub City hoping to become a cozy Celtic Quartet. But that won't ever happen.

Expect O'Neal to exit Boston after just one season or maybe even sooner. History documents his less than magical departure from Orlando, his petty parting from the Lakers, Shaq's scorched separations from the Suns and Heat and his recent cavalier departure from Cleveland.

Despite my prognostications, here's hoping the Celtics will salvage this season by muzzling this megalomaniac and sparingly utilizing his waning talents.

Otherwise, Coach Doc Rivers will be courting a sure SHAQ-tastrophe with the NBA's former Superman and now sputtering Big Diesel.

Straight Talk. No Static.

MIKE - Thee American Made Voice on Sports!

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Lebron James' Decision Part II

Sources close to the King-Without-a-Ring reported that ESPN will devote another hour covering Lebron James' decision to take his talented flesh to Miami. This time....to get another tattoo.

Incredulous at first, ESPN never thought Lebron had enough flesh cap room left on his body to possibly accomodate another tattoo. However, upon further scrutiny, ESPN believed LBJ's anticipated body art announcement warranted another prime time infomercial.

Hoping to avoid the train wreck of last week's Lebron James' Decision - Part I, ESPN announced that legendary rocker and tattoo afficianado Tommy Lee would host the event. Having gone under the needle hundreds of times before, ESPN thought Lee would offer credibility and maturity. Heavily pierced and more heavilt tatted, Lee will ask Lebron the body art questions all of America is pining to know. And maybe, just maybe, this time Lebron will actually remember all of the pre-scripted questions.

Tommy Lee's interview will purportedly take place on a make-shift stage set in one of South Beach's bevy of ink parlors. Aspiring tattooists from throughout South Florida as well as most members of the Denver Nugget basketball team are expected to be on hand to offer Lebron much needed support.

Speculation concerning the nature of more indistinguishable body art adorning the body of the reigning NBA MVP continues to build, and Vegas oddsmakers soon plan to post their prognostications. Undisclosed sources in the James camp have been heard to comment that:

Cleveland Cavalier owner Dan Gilbert suggested an image of Benedict Arnold be emblazoned prominently on whatever area of un-inked flesh flesh remained on Lebron's body.

Former teammates Mo Williams and Anderson Verajou pleaded with Lebron to memorialize them by inking their initials on his back, you know, the very same back the former 23 carried them on the last two NBA seasons.

Reverend Jesse Jackson implored the now former Cavalier to display the words, "emancipated indentured servant" on the unfettered hands that passed, rebounded and scored so effortlessly for his Plantation minded bosses in Cleveland.

Bulls, Nets, Knicks and Clippers representatives pushed for Lebron to officially change his new Miami Heat number from 6 to 666 and ink it permanently on his forehead.

However, the decision on what to do next in Miami with his talented flesh rests entirely with the King-Without-a-Ring.

Tune in to ESPN's next Lebron-athon, and you'll know the answer to LBJ's agonizing decision - and hopefully not after Tommy Lee's 16th question.

MIKE - thee American made voice on sports!

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Chris Berman's Bold ESPY 2011 Prediction

ESPN's Bob Ley and Stuart Scott are smiling.

Their legendary broadcasting buddy, Chris Berman, stepped way "outside the lines" this morning on my sports television talk show with a bold prediction. Booyah!

Commenting on last night's ESPY Awards in LA, the Swami passionately picked me - Michael Anthony Raffone, aka Mike Raffone, or simply MIKE as a lock for a 2011 ESPY in a new ESPY category as Breakout Broadcaster of the Year!

Uncharacteristically agitated at his beloved employer, Berman bemoaned that the World Wide Leader in Sports has apparently whiffed on the opportunity to sign me - the World Wide Leader in Sports Humor - to a long term Sports Center anchor gig!

Berman berated ESPN management as "rumblin', bumblin' and stumblin" their way through contract negotiations with my agent. ESPN's most revered television reporter appeared exasperated by the thought of probably losing me - the Long Awaited Microphone Messiah - to a rival sports media company. ESPN co-hosts Ley and Scott shared similar sentiments.

Berman stated, "MIKE is a perfectly constructed Titanium American Microphone manufactured with only the finest imported components. He can't possibly make a mistake......unless a team of writers and animators program him to do something stupid."

Berman continued by saying, "ESPN will look back...back...back... years from now and painfully regret its decision not to sign this new MIKE guy for the next Millenium. Picking any human smooth-talking suit over MIKE rivals that of the Blazers drafting Sam Bowie over another Mike way back in 1984!"

Calls to ESPN management were not returned. Speculation surfaced that high powered heads in Bristol will roll for failing to sign me - the new Ultimate Talking Head in Sports!

Berman blasted bureaucrats in Bristol and bemused that, as America's favorite new sportscaster, I... will... go... all... the... way........to the ESPY podium in LA in July 2011.


Straight talk. No static.


MIKE - thee American made voice on sports!

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Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Expunge Expectorating

Spitting in baseball is a Major League problem.

While watching last night’s All Star game on FOX, the disgusting discharges emanating from eminent National and American League players seriously sullied my spectating enjoyment.

I know all of America agrees with me that baseball players spit way too much.

The only thing more annoying than Tim McCarver’s minutiae or Joe Buck’s babbling about boring baseball statistics is seeing the sunflower seeds and spittle splattering the baseball diamonds of an All Star Game.

Major League Baseball needs to establish a No Spitting Policy immediately. Look at other sports. You don’t see Lebron launching a loogie into the lane before attempting a free throw or Michael Phelps flinging phlegm into the pool before diving off the starting block in a big race.

Before losing its faithful baseball fan base to saliva-free sports, the Commissioner needs to halt the hurling of hawkers by Expunging Expectorating from baseball!

Straight Talk. No static.

MIKE – The American Made Voice on Sports

Monday, July 12, 2010

Red Card the Refs!


OK, Sepp Blatter. Dust off your personal collection of Red Cards and start booking some of the bumbling blokes you assembled to referee in this year's World Cup.


Red Card all the refs responsible for their awful officiating in South Africa...which was about as predictable as the flight of a Jubalani soccer ball.


Kick off (pun intended) the purging process by poking a gigantic Red Card under the nose of Howard Webb - the chap you chose to officiate yesterday's plodding championship game between Spain and the Netherlands.


Who cares if Howard Webb was the best the English premiere league had to offer? So what if he issued 13 Yellow Cards and one Red Card during Spain's 1 - 0 victory over The Netherlands in extra time.


There should never have been any extra time . . . thanks to Howie.


Oranje fans will never forgive this English ref for failing to book Spanish defender Carles Puyol in the waning moments of the match. Puyol grabbed fleet-footed Arjen Robben just outside the penalty area during the Dutch striker's unobstructed path to the net.


Surprisingly, the Yellow Card Happy Howie inexplicably swallowed his whistle on this game-altering play. Howie allowed the action to continue unabated as Puyol improperly impeded Robben's impending goal scoring run. Regulation time soon expired, and the Spaniards marched on to win the title in extra time . . . thanks to Howie's inconsistent officiating.


Howard Webb may have missed this now infamous infraction. However, 700 million ESPN viewers from around the globe certainly saw it in stunning HDTV either in the luxury of their living rooms or while chugging a beer in their favorite pub.


Here's hoping Sepp Blatter exhausts his personal collection of Red Cards on the woeful refs responsible for careless calls in South Africa. And, finally, before we samba on down to Rio for World Cup 2014, here's hoping Sepp Blatter Heimlichs any refs content on choking on their whistles . . . instead of blowing them.


MIKE - Thee American Made Voice on Sports

Friday, July 9, 2010

Lebron James' Decision Part 1 - Me, Myself & I

Me, Myself and I were the only people that Lebron James ever cared about.

Us, We and Team never factored into Lebron's decision to forsake his faithful fans and teammates in Cleveland and bolt to the broiling beaches of Miami.

Forget about family. Forget about friendship. Forget about fostering hope for a struggling region in our country. Fortune and fame were the only fundamental factors forcing the career choice of the selfish would-be king without a ring.

Last night in a tightly scripted declaration, the now former Cleveland Cavalier star finally decreed his royally self-serving plans to a national television audience. Lebron's decision was all about him, himself and he! Never were any plural pronouns even considered in James' edict.

The Press, most unnervingly ESPN, pandered pathetically to the hysteria hovering around Prima-don Lebron's free agency announcement. Court jestering replaced ESPN's normally respected journalistic coverage. Lebron's hand-picked interviewer Jim Gray lobbied softballs at the reigning NBA MVP - smartly arrayed in a purple and white checked shirt . . . and thankfully not in purple robes, sceptre and crown.

Worse yet, sports fans tolerated the pomp and circumstance surrounding James' surreal free agency circus. Bracing for pain, we all tuned in to ESPN last night to witness the inevitable . . . all the time secretly hoping LBJ would never spurn the Rust Belt for the sun, surf and sand of South Florida.

Even the Cavalier franchise and the surrounding Cleveland community succumbed to carefully courting the king, cautious not to upset him while praying and pining that their hometown hero would eschew the bigger city spotlights for the rain-soaked shores of Lake Erie.

Other NBA owners frolicked in Lebronamania, knowing the word Billion was Lebron's primary motivation and foolishly thinking 23 would move his monarchy to their metro markets.

Now jilted and scorned, we all had hoped the hometown hero would hunker down in Cleveland and bring the city by the lake that long sought after championship in pro sports for which it has thirsted for the past 50 years.

Okay sports fans, after all this ranting over Lebron's leaving it's now time for us to move on - let's forgive 23 for forsaking us and wish the man the best in his quest for a ring in Miami.

Sure, Lebron should have stayed - but he didn't. Sure, Lebron could have consulted with us - but he hadn't. Sure, Lebron would have been forever loved in Ohio - but he won't.

However, when you're calling South Beach home, and the guaranteed millions are already in the bank, it's easy to understand why . . . Me, Myself and I are the only three people on the planet that Lebron James ever cared about.

Straight Talk, No Static.

MIKE . . . Thee American Made Voice on Sports!

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

God's Hand Returns to this Year's World Cup

The Hand of God has returned to this year's World Cup.

Not on the pitch - as in the famed 1986 England vs. Argentina World Cup quarter-final match in Mexico City - but rather on the sideline.

Once again, God has freely handed soccer fans across the globe the eternally entertaining gift of Team Argentina's Coach - Diego Maradona.

Today's chubby coaching caricature may look more like a trite Telemundo Talk Show Host than the world class player he once was. But, Maradona no longer needs a soccer ball to save and dazzle during this World Cup. He still can enrapture viewers every time ESPN's wide angle camera lenses turn his way.

Long gone are Diego's deft touches, sudden bursts of athleticism and scintillating soccer skills. Although Diego's soccer lore has been resurrected, his long lost athletic glory has been replaced by melodramatic John Gotti type mannerisms, sharp blasts of profanity and elongated bouts of exxagerated emotion in which the quixotic coach warmly embraces the very same players he routinely castigates.

A sight to behold on the sidelines, the dapper Diego unabashedly sports identical wrist watches on either arm and matching diamond softball-sized studs in either ear. Squeezing into a freshly Armor-alled goonish grey suit, the mercurial Maradona looks more loan shark than soccer coach.

Passion personified, Diego smiles, snarls, steams, struts and stomps along the sidelines while relentlessly combing his jet black dyed mane with his 1986 beefy Hand of God miracle mitt. Barely able to corral his bullish frame within the obligatory coaching box, Maradona challenges every officiating call, while grasping his rosary beads with a vice grip and gesticulating un-sactimoniously for his worldwide audience to witness.

So, the next time we pay Penance by yawning through another listless France vs. Uruguay nil - nil draw, let's offer our thanks to the Almighty for the gift that God so freely handed to us again in this year's World Cup.

Diego may be the only salvation we'll need to enjoy this year's tournament.

MIKE - thee American made voice on sports!

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Italian Creative Expression at World Cup 2010

For centuries, Italian creative expression has resonated throughout the world.

In Art, the brilliance of Italian masters Michaelangelo and Bernini has enraptured art lovers around the globe.

In Music, the virtuoso talents Andreas Botticelli and Enrico Caruso have serenaded millions of opera officianados.

In Fashion, the avant-garde designs of Gianni Versace and Salvadore Ferragamo have been exported to deep pocketed fashionistas from Berlin to Beijing to Buenos Aires.

In Architecture, the iconic landmarks of St. Peter's Basilica in Vatican City and the Duomo in Florence have drawn countless pilgrims from every culture.

And now in Sports, Italy's fabulous flopping footballers have mastered their imaginative machinations once again as the unrivaled diving divas of the soccer pitch.

Taking their melodramatic histrionics to unprecedented levels, Italian soccer stars have perfected their plunging panache and easily passed other wanna-be tumbling sports talents like Derek Fisher of the Lakers - and for that matter, every WWE wrestler - as they've mastered the art of unnecessary flailing and flopping.

Take the scene at yesterday's rain soaked 1-1 World Cup match between the defending World Cup Champion Azzurri versus upstart and emotionally driven Paraguay.

In the game's early minutes Italian Midfielder Daniele De Rossi sprinted toward the goal, eagerly anticipating a pass from a teammate. Next, ESPN cameras captured De Rossi on the rain soaked field grabbing his calf as if suddenly shot by a stinger missile. De Rossi's apparent writhing in agony prompted panicked paramedics to race on to the pitch to administer emergency aid to the Azzurri's injured Italian Midfielder.

At the same time, De Rossi's succouring soccer teammates hovered around him, screamed wildly at the ref, then directed Neopolitan curses at their Paraguayan opponents, all while reciting rosaries in a last rites gesture for their teammate who was precariously fighting death's door.

Suddenly . . . and you know what happened next . . . as if the Italian Midfielder's soap opera nonsense wasn't enough, the nearly slain De Rossi miraculously rose from the grave, er, the turf that is, sprinted around the pitch like he was running the Boston Marathon, then eagerly rejoined his teammates as the ref instructed both sides to resume play. What a show!

Despite having held up the game for several minutes, De Rossi's antics didn't even get a yellow card. I say for this exaggerated Italian expression, the refs should have awarded him an Oscar instead. Play on.

MIKE - thee American made voice on sports!

Sunday, June 13, 2010

It's Time to Red Card the Vuvuzela

The World Cup 2010 kicked off with a bang - or should I say - a curious, cacophonous chorus of South African vuvuzela.

Vu-vu-ze-what you might you might be asking.

No, vu-vu-ze-la, as in the Setswana name for a plastic three foot long noisemaking horn (emphasis on obnoxious noisemaking - like that of an ADHD kid juiced up on Mountain Dew) favored by South African soccer fans.

The vuvuzela vaulted into international popularity as soon as the oft maligned new Adidas soccer ball got kicked around the pitch in Johannesburg during this weekend's opening game between host South Africa and Mexico.

However, the initially revered, but now increasingly embattled vuvuzela may may Red Carded sooner than expected based on the overwhelming reaction of a disgruntled international ESPN television audience.

Day 1 of ESPN's television coverage witnessed intrigued viewers from around the globe immediately enraptured by the discordant din of these cheap plastic trumpets.

Day 2 television coverage showed a surprising shift in opinion as World Cup watchers warily became aware of the dissonant and disturbing drone of the reverberating vuvuzela.

On Day 3, however, viewers of ESPN's television coverage voiced cries of victimization by the vile vmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm of these never ending vuvuzela.

So, once Day 4 coverage continues tomorrow, will FIFA, which governs the World Cup, muzzle these maddening monotone South African music makers which sound more like swarming locusts or angry bees in a very large hive?

OK, FIFA, if you really give a Desmond Tutu, ban the vuvuzela from stadiums during remaining World Cup 2010 matches. Let us enjoy world class World Cup soccer coverage without the low class, dreadful din of these hideous horns.

Yes, FIFA, it's time to Red Card the vuvuzela!

MIKE - thee American made voice on sports!

Friday, June 11, 2010

World Cup 2010's Trans Atlantic Tussle

Never before has the Atlantic Ocean been considered chic conversation.

Typical chatter concerning the 4,000 mile expanse of chilly water separating the United States' eastern shores from the rainy, cloudy British Isles generally generates genial jesting between long time friends and political allies.

However, on June 12th this brisk, blustery body of water will surface as the sports world's salient subject - known to Yanks and Brits alike - as World Cup 2010's Trans Atlantic Tussle. This ESPN televised event pits aspiring contender Team USA against soccer's more established, football-rich Team England.

Expect the June 12th World Cup game to be much bigger than soccer bragging rights. This 2010 first round match in South Africa showcases the United States second fiddle Yanks against the more ballyhooed Brits and should settle scores more serious than any simple soccer game.

Also at stake are decades of debates, disputes and disagreements surrounding each country's icons. Like the Buck vs. the Pound, American football vs. football the rest of the planet plays, White House vs. Windsor Castle, Bon Jovi vs. the Beatles, Disney vs. Diana, Broadway vs. Piccadilly and not to forget the all important delicacies of Hamburgers vs. Fish n' Chips.

So, who cares whether you say How you doin' or Cheerio or whether you drive on the right side of the road or the left or whether you display your red, white and blue colors on the American Flag or the Union Jack.

June 12th's World Cup 2010 Trans Atlantic Tussle between the United States and England should be exciting for fans watching from Los Angeles to London and should settle several critical cultural clashes between these two nations....at least until they face each other again in a future World Cup.

And don't you fugghedaboutit, old boy!

MIKE - thee American made voice on sports!

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Enough of Kobe's Beefs!

OK, I've had enough of Kobe's "beefs!"

No, I'm NOT referring to Japan's Kobe Beef... as in the finest steak in the world.

However, I am lamenting Los Angeles Laker Kobe Bryant's non-stop bickering beefs; i.e. the murmuring, complaining, whining, sulking and moaning we witness every time this loquacious Laker steps on the hardwood.

Right now, Boston Celtic fans are probably scrambling to canonize me as the new patron saint of Beantown for my audacious, long overdue proclamation, while loyal Left Coast Laker fans are boiling mad with plans to excoriate me somewhere on ritzy Rodeo Drive for all of SoCal to see.

Hey, I'm the first to admit that Kobe Bryant is arguably the best player on the planet. Sorry, Lebron-lovers. But, hear me loud and clear Laker faithful, Kobe's pissy attitude, once again, during the recent Laker - Suns Western Conference Finals was totally inexcusable.

Coach Phil Jackson should bury a baby's binkie in Bryant's mouth instead of tippy-toeing around the Lakers' $30 Million per year Prima Donna. What a disgrace that Jackson goes along with his star guard's glaring, glowering and grimacing every time he misses a shot - or sanctions the sulking sewage that flows offensively out of his mouth toward the refs just as effortlessly as BP's blundering oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico.

Why don't we hear Marv Albert or Kenny The Jet Smith or Charles Barkley or Jeff Van Gundy step up with some stones and speak out against the belly-aching Bryant? Sadly, we see plenty of other sniffling television sportscasters like Stuart Scott and Doug Collins molly-coddle Kobe's contentious conduct and carelessly condone his condescending comments aimed directly at his very own Laker teammates.

Basketball fans, here's hoping the diminutive NBA Czar David Stern, always eager to pontificate before a camera, bottles up the bickering, babbling Bryant before the Boston - Los Angeles series begins tonight.

Enough of Kobe's "beefs," so we can all enjoy a great NBA Finals!

MIKE - thee American made voice on sports!

Thursday, April 1, 2010

What CBS Misses in its March Madness Coverage


Going into this weekend, the NCAA Men's College Basketball Tournament has been officially trimmed to four fantastic teams, and this year's CBS March Madness television coverage has once again frustrated the lucid, logical thinking of reasonably intelligent college basketball fans everywhere.


Big Dance diehards have fallen fast for the foolish fodder and boyish banter beaming from the CBS broadcast booth without ever questioning the corny, cliche cloaked commentary and overt omissions of CBS' celebrated basketball announcers.


At times, CBS ignores the blatantly obvious right at the tip of your nose stuff, while hypnotically hounding fans with hokey, hyperbolic play-by-play analysis, subtly sucking viewers brains right out of their cranial cavities.


So, college basketball fans, put the Panasonic plasma on pause and ponder these missing March Madness oversights, compliments of CBS' college basketball announcers.


Here are my first 4 forgettable picks:


#1. The Missed Free Throw Party - OK, so why can't we find anyone in the CBS broadcast booth with some bravado to decry the dubiously dreadful display of celebrating shooting ineptitude nearly every time a free throw shooter misses a gimme from the charity stripe?


Doesn't anybody else on the planet find it utterly ridiculous when teammates enthusiastically approach the brick-laying free throw shooter and congratulate him with high fives and pats to the butt after he just clanged an important freebie from 15 feet? Imagine if MLB infielders raced to the pitcher's mound to bask in the embarrassment of a pitcher who's last fast ball wound up 450' away as some fan's souvenir in the center field's stands!


CBS' silence on the Missed Free Throw Party makes no sense whatsoever to me.


#2. Tattoos - Once again, why doesn't someone in the CBS broadcast booth blurt out the obvious and bemoan the proliferation of butt-ugly tattoos blanketing far too much of the basketball players' exposed skin? After witnessing Northern Iowa's upset of Kansas, I'm all for lobbying for an NCAA ban barring big, beefy boys without a tan from ever sporting multi-colored tattoos on any part of their bodies.


My second petition will be for the NCAA to mandate long-sleeved, turtle necked shirts to cover any future fashion paux of all heavily inked players because it seems like inebriated frat house friends frolicked with Etch-a-Sketch art on the chiseled players' forearms, biceps, backs, necks and shoulders!
Perhaps CBS should initiate a think before you ink campaign to spare viewers at home from witnessing these unsightly tattoos.


#3. College Basketball's Teflon Coated Coach - OK, why aren't college basketball conspiratorial crazies feasting on the journalistic blackout concerning Kentucky coach John Calipari? Never heard a peep from any of the boys in the CBS broadcast booth scrutinizing this slippery and unscrupulous coaching cad from Lexington. College basketball's highest paid coach is historically a walking NCAA infraction-in-the-making with a well-chronicled resume of recruiting players with no regard for collegiate consistency, scholarship and integrity within their university's basketball program.


Perhaps the CBS boys believe Kentucky actually recruited Coach Calipari to improve its anemic 9% graduation rate or that the muck that Just in Time Johnny (getting out of the place before your sordid history catches up with you) left at Memphis and Massachusetts was merely coincidental. Duh!


#4 - There's a Lid on the Basket - Doesn't anyone else agree that this is one of the most over used cliches in sports? CBS sportscasters need to remove from their repertoire this ritualistic excuse for poor shooting. Come on, CBS, give the opposing team's defense better credit and mute any mention of this trite expression citing a metaphorical metal disk hermetically soldered to a rim. There isn't anything physical attached to the rim prohibiting the ball from going into the basket.


The only things preventing better shooting are better shooters or even better defense from the opposition..... and it doesn't require a handsomely paid former player wearing a thousand dollar suit sitting in a broadcast booth to figure it out.


Maybe CBS should put lids on the lips of some of their basketball broadcasting boys in the booth before they blurt out any more corny cliches or totally overlook the obvious.


OK, college basketball fans, email me your selections of slack CBS sports casting and blatanly obvious omissions from this year's NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament.


Straight talk. No static.


MIKE - thee American made voice on sports!



Sunday, March 21, 2010

Can You Say Ali Farokhamesh?

Can you say Ali Farokhamesh (Ah'-lee Fa-rook'-ha-mesh)?

After this past weekend, absolutely! Even if you're only a casual college basketball fan, you're probably proclaiming the name Ali Farokhamesh everywhere you go.

As a matter of fact, with unabashed confidence you're more than likely repeatedly rattling off the tongue-twisting name Ali Farokhamesh, but you're also spelling it, properly syllabicating it, and quickly correcting the butchery of those who stutter when they can't make it past the first three letters of this stellar guard's last name.

Ali Farokhamesh. The Rook to his team mates - is arguably the number one story in this year's NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament and the one player mostly responsible for manufacturing America's first bout of mania during this Spring's March Madness.

Expect Farokhamesh-a-mania to flourish for at least another five fabulous days until the Sweet Sixteen resumes next Saturday in St. Louis. Little Ali's created the kind of Big Dance buzz that rivals the likes of Cincinnati's Big O's scintillations of the early 60's, Michigan State's Magic's mesmerizing moves of the 70's, Jimmy V's vanquishing the vaunted Phi Slamma Jamma in the 80's, Duke's dazzling Laettner turn-around in the early 90's and the Cuse's Freshman Phenon Carmelo's captivation of college fans earlier this decade.

Ali Farokhamesh. The only thing wrong about him is his six foot height generously exaggerated on the Northern Iowa Panther basketball team roster. However, in spite of this one accepted abberation, everything else is soooooo very right about this thick, hairy-legged, under-sized, midwestern kid with the receding hairline and barely pronounceable last name willing to take crazy, calculated, career-defining shots on the biggest stage during the biggest game of his life against heavily favored opponents before a national television audience.

Ali Farokhamesh. A name never to be forgotten for a lifetime of Big Dances. Forget the March Madness Heroes of NCAA Tournaments past. Move over, Magic (Johnson), Michael (Jordan) and Manning (Danny). Wipe Wilt (Chamberlain) and Walton (Bill) off your list. And don't even challenge me with the name of Kansas' Mario Chalmers. Ali has emerged as the Hero of Heroes and Prom King of the Big Dance.....even if he never makes it past the Sweet Sixteen.

Ali Farokhamesh. Get used to hearing and seeing a lot of this alphabet soup of a name. Ali's two tournament game heroics will be constantly replayed, analyzed, dissected, fawned over and endlessly enjoyed in our living rooms for all of America . . . at least until he and his Panthers lace 'em up again next weekend.

Ali Farokhamesh. The reason why teams play the game . . . any game . . . is because even the number 1 seeded, more highly touted, athletically gifted, tremendously talented teams on PAPER must show up every night to take on unknown, over-achieving underdogs. But when the nationally ranked titans don't show up, little-known Goliath-killer mid-major teams like Northern Iowa with unheard-of players like Ali Farokhamesh rise up, seize the moment and write their own chapter in NCAA Basketball Tournament history.

Ali Farokhamesh. Yup, I love writing this name as much as I love saying it. Thanks to this Iowa City native and Kirkwood, Iowa Junior College transfer guard for making my March Madness so memorable already.

Ali Farokhamesh. All the best to you in St. Louis next weekend, Mr. Fearlessly Firing Shooting Guard with the twin fire hydrant legs, when your Northern Iowa squad squares off against another heavily favored team for a spot in the Elite Eight.

Trust me, at tip-off, sports fans across America will know who you are and will eloquently and effortlessly be able to say your name - Ali Farokhamesh.

Straight Talk. No Static.

MIKE - Thee American Made Voice on Sports!

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Let the Nail Biting Begin!



Maddened by another early March malaise, munchers, crunchers and nibblers alike will be unwittingly fidgeting and feasting on fingernails while watching their favorite schools participate in College Basketball's Big Dance of 2010.

I say, let the Nail Biting Begin!

MIKE - thee American made voice on sports!

www.theemike.com

......MIKE's "Let the Nail Biting Begin" post was selected as a finalist in the nationally recognized Last Fan Standing 2010 Sports Blogging Contest. To read MIKE's "Let the Nail Biting Begin" blog in its entirety, click this link at www.lastfanstanding2010.com/articles/pages/5/

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Caught up with the Kardashians

I just caught up with the Kardashians.

How ironic! A month ago I had absolutely no idea what a Kardashian was. But now I do...even though I wish I never did...catch up with a Kardashian that is.

OK, sports fans, with the Saints' recent Super Bowl success and the Lakers looming large to repeat as NBA Champs, the name Kardashian has become synonymous with sports.

Because a Kardashian is someone who has mastered a new sport; namely, Gold Digging for Athletes!

Lusting for luxurious lifestyles and seeking second-rate celebrity status, Khloe and Kim Kardashian have struck gold.

Yes, the Kardashian girls have hit the motherlode with Khloe landing Laker Lamar Odom in an E! sponsored wedding and Kim reuniting with Saints Running Back Reggie Bush.

These two reality show drama divas demonstrate for shiny toothed, buxom babes everywhere that there’s a fortune to be had in sports . . . even if you don’t play one.

To keep up with these Kardashians and become a Kardashian yourself, just follow these simple gold digging guidelines:

SHUT OUT…any discussions of ever having to work a real job.

GO DEEP. .. into the wallets of multi-million dollar athletes.

FAST BREAK…to an MTV crib you’ve never contributed a dime to build.

KNOCK OUT…your new man’s Platinum Card balance while shopping on Rodeo Drive.

TOUCH DOWN . . . in your hubby’s private jet and step out on his red-carpeted runway.

The tawdry tale of gold digging as sport won’t be fully told for another decade or so…’til these dabbling divas’ vocabulary fails to evolve past manicures, pedicures, texting and clubbing, and their men desire to discuss details other than shopping, shopping & more shopping.

When the clock winds down (and it will), we’ll be able to test the long term carat value -10, 14 or 24 carat, that is - of this sport known as Gold Digging for Athletes. Unless there’s some true burnishing going on and the players refine some nuggets within themselves, we might learn that Lamar and Reggie don't want to extend the game. . . in which case, “keeping up with the Kardashians” will be a short-lived sport after all.

Straight Talk. No static.

MIKE - thee American made voice on sports!

Friday, February 19, 2010

The "Olympic" Sport of Curling

While watching the Hammer Throw finals at the 2008 Beijing Summer Olympics, I never imagined my sports spectating standards could sink any lower . . . until I caught this week's comedic competition called Curling at the 2010 Vancouver Winter Olympics.

Maybe - just maybe - somebody could cajole me into believing that flinging a chain linked projectile resembling some medieval instrument of torture by a big burly boy named Boris from Belarus actually constitutes an Olympic sport.

But, I'm sorry, nobody is ever going to convince me that the skinny Norwegian glee club members clad in those ridiculous red, blue and white harlequin pants, and swooshing plastic kitchen brooms across an ice skating rink, are genuine Olympians!

Who on planet Earth, other than their mothers, would ever consider these swashbuckling, Broadway wannabes . . . Olympians?

Just how inebriated were IOC members when they sanctioned Curling as an Olympic sport? If Curling is an official Winter Olympic sport, could ice fishing, snowman building and snow angel making be very far behind? Word has it on the slushy, just-about-snowless British Columbian hills that, after watching this week's Curling competition on NBC, beer pongers and frisbee golfers are now petitioning the IOC for their sport's inclusion in the 2012 London Summer Olympics.

Is it just me or do you also view Curling as scandalously skirting the sanctity of sports by not requiring even the slightest semblance of athleticism?

Let's be honest. Have you ever heard anybody say, "I'm playing in a real competitive inner-city Curling league this season." Or, "Who will you pick as your Sweeper in next season's Fantasy Curling League?" Or, worse yet, "Let's run on over to Dick's Sporting Goods. I hear they just stocked their shelves with the latest Curling gear - and their Curling Broom assortment is awesome!"

Listen, as far as I'm concerned, any sport that rhymes with twirling can't be any good at all. So, enough of this nonsense! All this talk of Curling makes me think about hurling . . . my lunch.

Straight Talk. No Static.

MIKE - Thee American Made Voice on Sports!

Monday, February 8, 2010

Let's NOT Be Fooled Again!

OK, football fans, let's NOT be fooled again........when the NFL announces that another by-gone generation of geriatric, gyrating rockers will be entertaining us during future Super Bowl halftime celebrations.

Expecting to see myself and feel myself mesmerized by rock luminaries Roger Daltrey and Peter Townshend during yesterday's highly anticipated football game intermission, I instead found myself traumatically touched - as if visiting ancient uncles in their South Florida retirement home - given the languished lyrics in their opening rendition of "Pinball Wizard."

As Daltrey sequed from his strained, off-key, slow motion intro into his second sluggish song, the clownishly striped coated old codger sounded more like a tired turtle trudging through the neighboring South Florida Everglades swamps than the iconic British vocalist of the late 60's and early 70's.

To compound an already discordant performance, Daltrey's next Greatest Hit was anything BUT. Who'd a thunk the aging Brit's 2010 vocal version of Baba O'Reilly would vex some viewers about as vilely as a Bill O'Reilly vociferation.

Moving onto the group's third song which seemed to stick around for hours, I embarrassingly broke out into my own chorus of "Who Are They?" rather than "Who Are You?" and simultaneously prayed for the New Orleans Saints and Indianapolis Colts to prematurely race back on the field.

Sadly, if not for the halftime show's pyrotechnic and laser lighting displays, 74,000 stunned Sun Life Stadium spectators and 100 million tepid television viewers may have abandoned these comical caricatures completely for an obligatory bathroom break.

So, football fans, when the NFL announces performers for its Super Bowl XLV halftime celebration, we all need to remember the lackluster lyrics that Sunday evening's fossilized British rockers recited while closing their Super Bowl XLIV halftime set........................let's NOT be fooled again.

Straight talk. No static.

MIKE - thee American made voice on sports!