Football's Instant Replay

Football's instant replay is anything but instant.

Seems like you can read all 1,990 pages of President Obama's new Health Care Reform Bill...twice...faster than it takes a ref to acknowledge a challenging coach's red flag, run over to the sidelines, stick his head under the little black curtain, then re-watch (what appears like a hundred times) the very same play that he and his officiating crew just witnessed live on the playing field only a few minutes before.

OK, while all of us at home, after raiding the refrigerator, hitting the head and following our fantasy picks on the internet, sit stewing on the sofa, the zebra clad man slowly and seriously studies replays from every conceivable angle - even appearing to access footage from the Hubble Space Telescope.

His decision should be easy . . . and considerably much quicker, but it's NOT, because the actions of the main man in stripes always seems slower than a slug's.

So, exactly what is the ref doing under that black curtain?

Checking emails?

Watching ESPN Sports Center?

Tweezing unwanted nasal hairs?

Calling Domino's for a post-game delivery?

Or, reading an unabridged edition of War and Peace?

OK, my impatience is now maxed out after watching a weekend's worth of ridiculously long NCAA and NFL replays.

Football brass needs to act fast, or should I say, instantly, to bring the instant back into instant replay . .. before more impatient football fans like me, God forbid, start watching soccer instead.

Straight Talk. No Static.

MIKE - Thee American Made Voice on Sports

Gut Check Time

Every sports fan is familiar with the old adage, gut check time! This cliche rallies athletes during that critical time in a game when visions of victory are about to vanish and a potential loss hangs precariously in the balance.

So, when Coaches, Fans, Players and Sportcasters expect every last ounce of internal strength and courage to be corraled to change the outcome of a game, they proclaim this defining moment to be... gut check time!

However, I gotta admit that every time this clarion call is conveyed during an NFL game (like in Monday Night Football's Patriots - Colts contest), my gut gets grossed out!


You see, when I hear the words gut check time, instead of conjuring up visions of pending victory, my mind quickly wanders to ghastly glimpses of extra-beefy NFL offensive linemen with bulging bellies bombarding my brain and bringing a whole new meaning to this time-honored cliche.

These frightful flubbies flaunt rotund repositories resembling pepperoni pizza, greasy grub and assorted pan fried food storehouses that wobble woefully around their waists.

No wonder why these linemen are called OFFENSIVE!

So, from now on, that's why I neither have the stomach... nor the time . . . for gut checks of any kind!

Straight talk. No static.

MIKE - thee American made voice on sports!

Worst Position in Sports

Hiking a football is without doubt the worst position in sports!

I came to this conclusion watching the Monday Night Football game between the Patriots & Colts earlier this week.

While calling this contest from the comfort of my broadcast booth, I suddenly realized just how much I subconsciously scrunch away from the exchange between a center and quarterback on the football field. Every time I see a center break the huddle, rumble a few yards to the line of scrimmage, then bend over and fondle a motionless football on the ground like it's some precious package pining for protection . . . I unwittingly find my grill grimacing, my bowtie tightening and my body (well, in my case, just my head) borrowing into my base. Eeek!!!

Allow me to philosophize about these facts surrounding the hiking of a football:

First, in nearly every play, immediately after hiking the football, nearly 3,000 pounds of snarling, sweating linemen pile on top of the center's body.

Second, unless he's in the shotgun formation, the quarterback's hands are way too close to the hiker's unmentionables.

Third, the only body part of a center that ever shows up on camera is a wide angle close up of his big 'ole butt...well, that is, unless he's flagged for holding...in which case every football fan in America gets to see his mug shot - while the ref marches the embarassed culprit's team back another 10 yards.

Yup, hiking a football...the worst position in sports!

Straight talk. No static.

MIKE - thee American made voice on sports.

Agassi's Angst

I have never been a tennis fan; however, last week I became a fan of Andre Agassi.

Agassi, the retired 39-year-old winner of 8 Men's Grand Slam Singles Titles, shocked the tennis world when unexpected excerpts from his book, OPEN:An Autobiography, surfaced in Sports Illustrated and The London Times. Graphic depictions of Agassi's 1997 clandestine recreation with crystal meth and his subsequent lying to the ATP governing body, which threatened to suspend him, stirred a storm of controversy in the sports world.

An outspoken Martina Navratilova was the first former tennis great to excoriate the remorseful and agonizing Agassi, carelessly comparing him to a recalcitrant Roger Clemens. As memories of her own misery momentarily morphed, Martina all-too-quickly leaped out of her own closet, jumped into an awaiting Subaru, and raced down to the first available media outlet to air her agitation against fellow athlete Agassi. Interestingly, this gender-challenged Czech chastised sports fans everywhere a few decades ago for failing to fancy her homosexual lifestyle at a time when such admissions produced public anxiety. Now, she was nay-saying the atoning Agassi for admitting to his personal, private addiction. Sadly, too many others followed the former leading lady of tennis by lacing into Agassi and tearing into this talented, tearful tennis player.

While I don't condone his irresponsible behavior, I do admire Agassi's brutally honest revelations and his desire to be OPEN, as his autobiography suggests, with fans. The retired tennis star's transparent angst is abysmally absent from today's celebrity athlete. Andre admitted errant antics and demonstrated deep regret . . . which today's "Pa-Role Models" fail to display 'til uncomfortably cornered and forced to confront culpability and criticism to salvage their otherwise crumbling careers.

Let's decry Agassi's bad behavior; however, let's acknowledge Andre's sincere admissions, his altruistic contributions to the Las Vegas community and, most importantly, his decision to be OPEN with the sports world.

That's why I've become a fan of Andre Agassi.

Straight Talk. No Static.

MIKE - Thee American Made Voice on Sports

Baseball's Befuddling Top 10

There are times when Baseball just Befuddles me.

Watching the World Series, I brought together this short list of Befuddling Bits of Baseball Banalities:

#10 Funny how baseball's foul pole is located in fair territory. Kinda like driving on a parkway and parking on a driveway.

#9 Why's it called a stolen base when the base runner never gets to take it home...or even pawn it?

#8 Have you ever seen a readying on deck batter actually stand in the on deck circle?

#7 Why do fans tolerate the heckler, who thinks that behaving like an a** is a good thing?

#6 Why do rotund baseball managers insist on wearing team uniforms that look like spray-on Halloween costumes? You never see Phil Jackson wearing his old Knicks shorts shorts on the Lakers bench, do you?

#5 Seems like players insist on poking their packages and adjusting their fellas when every fan is watching the action on their oversized high def TV.

#4 At a unit cost of 75 cents a dot, the TINY frozen Dippin' Dots you can only get at a game put a HUGE hole in your wallet.

#3 Stupid statistics. Who cares how many times lefties born in Midwestern states to blond haired mothers whose brother's uncle's neighbor's insurance salesman's sister played AAA for the Yankees in 1997 whiff during rain delayed night games in August?

#2 Why do clueless fans always stand in the 7th belting out the tune "Take Me out to the Ball Game". . . . when we all know they've been there for the previous six innings?

#1 Why call a catcher's testicular protector a cup when no sane person would EVER consider drinking from it?

Would love to hear some of your Befuddling Baseball Bits. We all know they're out there!

Straight talk. No static.

MIKE - thee American made voice on sports.

Muting the World Series

This season, I have officially muted the World Series games on television.

Whaaaat???? you wonder in wild protest. That's right, sports fans, you heard me the first time.
I have employed the ultimate power tool - that glorious device known as the Remote Control - and exercised my God-given right to officially mute World Series telecasts.

Now don't get me wrong on this. You bet I love baseball, but I loathe the litanies of insignificant facts and figures foisted upon me during TV telecasts.

You see, boring baseball statistics have always driven me bonkers.

Do I really need to listen to FOX's Tim McCarver, Master of Minutiae, tell me how many hits a Phillies batter got while hitting lefty versus righty, or how many of his total hits were to the opposite field off right hand pitchers who were born to blond haired mothers whose father’s uncle’s milkman’s neighbor’s son batted .327 for the Yankees AA Farm Team in 1968 and who is 13 times more likely to scratch his crotch area with his right hand when entering the batter’s box during rain delayed Sunday afternoon double-headers in July?

Wheuh! Stupid statistics stifle my baseball likeability!

During this Fall Classic, I'm opting to watch in silence and serenity the bountiful beauty of America's favorite past time . . . without being burdened by baseball banalities.

Straight talk. No static.

MIKE – thee American Made Voice on Sports!

The Turnpike Tussle

Never before has the New Jersey Turnpike been considered such chic conversation.

The typical chatter concerning this 100+ mile stretch of congested concrete and toll toting traffic known as Interstate 95 and connecting Gotham and the City of Brotherly Love normally evokes the ire of irritated travellers.

However, this week the two hour long slab of cement has surfaced as the sports world's salient subject - now known to Northeasterners as the Turnpike Tussle - and pitts baseball's legendary NY Yankees against the reigning world champion Philadelphia Phillies.

Expect this year's Fall Classic to be bigger than baseball bragging rights. The 2009 World Series stakes second fiddle Philadelphia against its northerly nemesis, the more ballyhooed Big Apple.

Yes, this series should settle scores more serious than any sports rivalry. At stake are decades of debates, disputes and disagreements surrounding each city's icononclastic idols like Rocky vs. Rudy, Broad Street vs. Broadway, Lady Liberty vs. the Liberty Bell and the critically important delicacies of Cheesesteak vs. Pizza.

So, whether you say, "Yo," or "How you doin?" this tussle will be well worth every Turnpike toll to a World Series game....and don't you fugghedaboutit!

Straight talk. No static.

MIKE - thee American made voice on sports!