Spending lots of downtime at Tropicana Field this week watching the NY Yanks take on the Tampa Bay Rays, I found myself bemused by lots of befuddling baseball bits.
Here's a list of my top ten:
#10 Why do we refer to poles being foul when they're clearly located in fair territory.
#9 Why the stolen bases out there never get sold, pawned or even brought home as a trophy.
#8 Why I hardly ever see a readying on-deck batter actually standing in the on-deck circle.
#7 Why fans continue to tolerate hecklers who think behaving like a bufoon is really a good thing.
#6 Why rotund baseball managers still insist on wearing too-tight outfits that look more like spray-on Halloween costumes than true team uniforms.
#5 Why players adjust their fellas and poke their packages when every fan in the stadium is watching . . . and fans at home are cringing as they watch up-close on their HDTV.
#4 Who's the marketing genius that created microscopic sized dessert particles known as Dippin' Dots . . . and why do hoards of fans pay around 75 cents a dot for each of them.
#3 Stupid Statistics. Do I care how many times lefty batters whiff during rain delayed night games in August?
#2 Clueless baseball fans singing "Take Me Out to the Ballgame!" when they've been already sitting there for over six innings.
#1 Who was the rumdum who called the catcher's protector a cup when no sane person on the planet would ever consider drinking from it?
Straight Talk. No Static.
MIKE - Thee American Made Voice on Sports!
http://www.facebook.com/theemikefans
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Minnesota Vikings' Peterson Receives Twitter's Inaugural NFL Award
(Satire) Last night Twitter, the world's pre-eminent micro-blogging social media site, presented its inaugural NFL Twit Head of the Year Award for reckless remarks to Minnesota Vikings' All Pro RB Adrian Peterson.
Twitter initially planned to award the gleaming NFL Crystal Ball Twit Head Trophy to a worthy NFL personality at the start of its next season. NFL Twit Head Award finalists included megolomaniac Cincinnati Bengal WR Chad Ochocinco, oft-retired sexting QB Brett Farve, and AFC Title Game Runner-up NY Jets coach, the bombastic Rex Ryan.
However, due to failed NFL labor negotiations, coupled with Adrian Peterson's recent comments likening his professional football employment to slavery, Twitter management considered the timing more than ripe to present this inaugural and inglorious distinction.
Peterson appeared nervous on television receiving his Twitter award as well as during his acceptance speech. Though admittedly earning a whopping $10.72 million this year, the Viking star RB stressed that his regrettable racially incendiary "slave wages" remarks were taken out of context, even though he expressed them twice.
Prone to putting the pigskin on the turf during big NFL games, Peterson proceeded to provide a near perfect repeat performance during this inaugural Twitter event. In a major ooops! move, Peterson inexplicably fumbled the gleaming glass trophy while being escorted off stage. The fall created a sea of glass shards sparkling across the floor.
When questioned about Peterson's unexpected coughing up of the now shattered NFL Twit Head of the Year Award, Twitter executives downplayed AP's mishandling of the ball. "Not a problem. Adrian's slavery remarks were so reckless, Twitter is willing to re-present him with replacement shatterproof trophies. We're designing twin Twit Heads, one for each time he uttered his careless comments."
Straight talk. No static.
MIKE - thee ultimate talking head on sports!
www.facebook.com/theemikefans
Twitter initially planned to award the gleaming NFL Crystal Ball Twit Head Trophy to a worthy NFL personality at the start of its next season. NFL Twit Head Award finalists included megolomaniac Cincinnati Bengal WR Chad Ochocinco, oft-retired sexting QB Brett Farve, and AFC Title Game Runner-up NY Jets coach, the bombastic Rex Ryan.
However, due to failed NFL labor negotiations, coupled with Adrian Peterson's recent comments likening his professional football employment to slavery, Twitter management considered the timing more than ripe to present this inaugural and inglorious distinction.
Peterson appeared nervous on television receiving his Twitter award as well as during his acceptance speech. Though admittedly earning a whopping $10.72 million this year, the Viking star RB stressed that his regrettable racially incendiary "slave wages" remarks were taken out of context, even though he expressed them twice.
Prone to putting the pigskin on the turf during big NFL games, Peterson proceeded to provide a near perfect repeat performance during this inaugural Twitter event. In a major ooops! move, Peterson inexplicably fumbled the gleaming glass trophy while being escorted off stage. The fall created a sea of glass shards sparkling across the floor.
When questioned about Peterson's unexpected coughing up of the now shattered NFL Twit Head of the Year Award, Twitter executives downplayed AP's mishandling of the ball. "Not a problem. Adrian's slavery remarks were so reckless, Twitter is willing to re-present him with replacement shatterproof trophies. We're designing twin Twit Heads, one for each time he uttered his careless comments."
Straight talk. No static.
MIKE - thee ultimate talking head on sports!
www.facebook.com/theemikefans
Spring's Maddening Sickness of NCAA College Basketball
With swift and unapologetic fury, the same sickness attacks me every March.
Rendering me nearly powerless, this early Spring malaise - far worse than any cold, virus or flu -devours my energy, cripples my logical thinking and negates any thought of normality in my life for nearly 30 days.
This month the same invisible power has wielded its ugly head and smitten me once again. In the past family, friends and colleagues pleaded with me to seek a cure for the insanity this unseen force wreaks in my life during March.
Reluctantly, I followed their beckoning calls and sought professional care. Eager to help, these experts offered little hope for recovery while others lamented that I simply didn't want to be cured.
Neurologists from John Hopkins Medical Center diagnosed severe, but not terminal, brain abnormalities. Psychiatrists and sociologists from the University of California at Berkeley detected extreme shifts in emotion coupled with rabid anti-social behavior. Even celebrated theologians from the Vatican speculated about some overpowering spirit requiring an exorcism.
However, two budding Bracketologists out of Bloomington, Indiana diagnosed my condition immediately. These pimply faced, 15-year-olds instantly recognized my symptoms and pinpointed my acute abnormality. Why? Because they, too, experience the same condition every Spring. Their revelation mystified medical experts and stupefied both theologians and behavioral scientists alike, yet their simple findings brought me a major sigh of relief. Peace descended upon me instantaneously, soothing my soul to its core.
I know now what slays me every Spring and I relish - embrace - this sickness.
This Maddening Spring Sickness is also known as March Madness, and boy, did I catch another baaaaad case! But instead of prescribing drugs, recommending group therapy or offering up endless prayers, these kids from Indiana told me to enjoy the disease, allow the sickness to fully run its course and be grateful I was chosen to endure the illness. More than that, these high schoolers recommended that I, by no means, attempt to hasten my recovery. They confidently assured me that this extreme malady would miraculously disappear by midnight EST the first Monday in April . . . as it faithfully does every year.
As further proof of their diagnosis, the same pubescent basketball junkies claim that my condition is no different than that of thousands of other cases. These boys shared similar stories of other Bracketologists beset by a strikingly similar springtime condition. As empirical proof, they cited cases popping up in Durham, NC; Lexington, KY; Spokane, WA; Lawrence, KS; and northeastern cities like Pittsburgh, Syracuse and Philly.
Again this year, major hot spots for the disease were coming from every conceivable socially-economically-geographically-racially-educationally unbiased demographics across the country. Growing in intensity, this Maddening Spring Sickness is not only striking across the USA but also around the globe where fans are equipped with the proper satellite and Internet access. Roundball experts have cited the sickness as a worldwide epidemic, challenging the likes of the CDC and even the International Red Cross.
Yup! March Madness has once again gripped me, pulsating uncontrollably through my veins. Symptoms like sleep deprivation, strong bouts of euphoria, irrational guttural screams and obsessive-compulsive behavior have overtaken me. I'll soon be uttering an endless array of scores, stats, pregame analysis and RPI ratings. I'll even debate conference strength of schedules and prognosticate regional brackets.
Like a zombie, I'll hypnotically trudge through mid-March and into early April never parting with my remote. I'll divide my time between the big LCD screen on my TV, the smaller LCD screen on my WiFi notebook and the even smaller LCD screen on my iPhone. Forget about regular, normal relationships.
Like some co-dependent alien, I'll only be able to communicate coherently with others who share the same physical and psychological condition. Sweating profusely and biting my nails incessantly, I'll be texting and mumbling phrases like Sweet Sixteen; Another Cinderella Advances; Buzzer Beater; Raining 3's; Diaper Dandy; Box Out; Shooting Out the Lights; and my personal favorite - Double Overtime Barn Burner!
Wow, what a sickness! I say, bring it on every March. Give me a double dose and don't ever try to cure me.
Please don't stop this March Madness. Don't ever stop this Madness.
Thank you, young men from Bloomington, IN for diagnosing my condition.
I just love this disease.
Straight Talk. No Static.
MIKE - thee American Made Voice On Sports!
Monday, December 6, 2010
FIFA Awards 2022 World Cup to Qatar (Satire)
(Satire) On December 2, 2010, FIFA officially announced Qatar as host country of the 2022 World Cup.
FIFA's surprising selection of this little known, oft-mispronounced Persian Gulf Emirate is cited as a "courageous step into new territory." Yea, kinda like intentionally marching right off the nearest cliff!
Despite Qatar's location in a politically unstable region with no football (soccer) playing history and scorching desert heat that could melt an Adidas soccer ball, FIFA President Seth Blatter boldly proclaimed, "The World Cup will now go to new lands!"
The President's confident comment prompted immediate worldwide reaction from incredulous soccer enthusiasts - many sarcastically suggesting that FIFA could also have chosen Mars - whose lunar landscape, extreme weather conditions and non-existent population base closely mirror that of the newly appointed 2022 host nation.
Nevertheless, FIFA's daring decision to challenge conventional thinking by voting Qatar as the 2022 World Cup host immediately galvanized other audacious moves in the sports world; namely:
In Lausanne, Switzerland - International Olympic Committee President Jacques Bogge quickly named Honolulu, Hawaii over Annecy, France; Munich, Germany; and Pyeongchang, South Korea as host city of the 2018 Winter Olympic games. Bogge noted that Waikiki's beautiful weather couldn't be any warmer than what skiiers, bob sledders and skaters experienced at the 2010 Winter Games held in Vancouver, BC.
In New York City - NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell awarded Dhaka, Bangladesh as site of Super Bowl 53. Defending this newest venue, Goodell noted that despite knowing nothing about this uniquely American sport, this Third World country holds manufacturing rights to most of the NFL licensed apparel and certainly deserves a run as host city to the event.
In Charlotte, North Carolina - NASCAR officials announced a new Interstate 95 Race as part of its Spring Cup series. NASCAR President Mike Helton boasted that the Interstate's well established infrastructure up and down the eastern seaboard would allow increased visibility for the sport while showcasing the excellence of NASCAR drivers as they deftly navigate rush hour traffic on both the NJ Turnpike and Washington, DC's famed Beltway.
Finally, back in the celebrating city of Doha, Qatar, fashion designers unveiled (no pun intended) a dazzling black burqa as official female apparel for World Cup 2022. Now, not only the women of Qatar but every female fan expecting to attend the event can don this chic new cover-up while they brave the Arab Emirate's blazing sun and daily temperatures of 118 degrees.
Straight Talk. No Static.
MIKE - Thee American Made Voice on Sports
www.facebook.com/theemikefans
FIFA's surprising selection of this little known, oft-mispronounced Persian Gulf Emirate is cited as a "courageous step into new territory." Yea, kinda like intentionally marching right off the nearest cliff!
Despite Qatar's location in a politically unstable region with no football (soccer) playing history and scorching desert heat that could melt an Adidas soccer ball, FIFA President Seth Blatter boldly proclaimed, "The World Cup will now go to new lands!"
The President's confident comment prompted immediate worldwide reaction from incredulous soccer enthusiasts - many sarcastically suggesting that FIFA could also have chosen Mars - whose lunar landscape, extreme weather conditions and non-existent population base closely mirror that of the newly appointed 2022 host nation.
Nevertheless, FIFA's daring decision to challenge conventional thinking by voting Qatar as the 2022 World Cup host immediately galvanized other audacious moves in the sports world; namely:
In Lausanne, Switzerland - International Olympic Committee President Jacques Bogge quickly named Honolulu, Hawaii over Annecy, France; Munich, Germany; and Pyeongchang, South Korea as host city of the 2018 Winter Olympic games. Bogge noted that Waikiki's beautiful weather couldn't be any warmer than what skiiers, bob sledders and skaters experienced at the 2010 Winter Games held in Vancouver, BC.
In New York City - NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell awarded Dhaka, Bangladesh as site of Super Bowl 53. Defending this newest venue, Goodell noted that despite knowing nothing about this uniquely American sport, this Third World country holds manufacturing rights to most of the NFL licensed apparel and certainly deserves a run as host city to the event.
In Charlotte, North Carolina - NASCAR officials announced a new Interstate 95 Race as part of its Spring Cup series. NASCAR President Mike Helton boasted that the Interstate's well established infrastructure up and down the eastern seaboard would allow increased visibility for the sport while showcasing the excellence of NASCAR drivers as they deftly navigate rush hour traffic on both the NJ Turnpike and Washington, DC's famed Beltway.
Finally, back in the celebrating city of Doha, Qatar, fashion designers unveiled (no pun intended) a dazzling black burqa as official female apparel for World Cup 2022. Now, not only the women of Qatar but every female fan expecting to attend the event can don this chic new cover-up while they brave the Arab Emirate's blazing sun and daily temperatures of 118 degrees.
Straight Talk. No Static.
MIKE - Thee American Made Voice on Sports
www.facebook.com/theemikefans
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Auburn QB Cam Newton Cleared by NCAA for SEC Championship Game
(Satire) This week the NCAA declared Auburn University star QB Cam Newton eligible to play in Saturday's SEC championship game versus Steve Spurrier's South Carolina Gamecocks.
Emboldened and energized by the NCAA's decision, Newton's embattled father Cecil escalated his future demands regarding his Heisman hopeful son.
The elder Newton mandated these Mariah Carey-type diva demands, requiring that:
The Heisman Trophy would need to be plated in 18 carat gold, so that is Cam is ultimately selected, Cecil could melt down the metal to help cover his burgeoning legal expenses.
Frito Lay would need to name a new chip after the younger Newton if the stellar QB advances past South Caroline to the Tostitos BCS championship game in Glendale, Arizona on January 10, 2011.
Dell Computers would need to funish Cam with a lifetime supply of laptops, so that the pilfering QB prodigy wouldn't be tempted to steal another on in the future, further risking his NFL eligibility and marketability.
Cecil Newton could not be reached for comment. He was purportedly behind closed doors, shamelessly offering would be sports agent Kenny Rogers a second chance of bringing in bigger bucks, while Cam is still eiligible.
Straight Talk. No Static.
MIKE - Thee American Made Voice on Sports
www.facebook.com/theemikefans
Emboldened and energized by the NCAA's decision, Newton's embattled father Cecil escalated his future demands regarding his Heisman hopeful son.
The elder Newton mandated these Mariah Carey-type diva demands, requiring that:
The Heisman Trophy would need to be plated in 18 carat gold, so that is Cam is ultimately selected, Cecil could melt down the metal to help cover his burgeoning legal expenses.
Frito Lay would need to name a new chip after the younger Newton if the stellar QB advances past South Caroline to the Tostitos BCS championship game in Glendale, Arizona on January 10, 2011.
Dell Computers would need to funish Cam with a lifetime supply of laptops, so that the pilfering QB prodigy wouldn't be tempted to steal another on in the future, further risking his NFL eligibility and marketability.
Cecil Newton could not be reached for comment. He was purportedly behind closed doors, shamelessly offering would be sports agent Kenny Rogers a second chance of bringing in bigger bucks, while Cam is still eiligible.
Straight Talk. No Static.
MIKE - Thee American Made Voice on Sports
www.facebook.com/theemikefans
Friday, October 1, 2010
Facebook's New Sports Feature (satire)
Coinciding perfectly with today's release of The Social Network movie, Facebook has introduced a new feature of its own - certain to become every sports fan's favorite.
Filling an urgent need on the web's most celebrated social site, Facebook's new Dis-Like button combats the shameless self-promotion of the sports world's biggest unbridled egos by affording frustrated fans the opportunity to stem the internet's newest STD (socially transmitted disease, that is) of tasteless sports celebrity hype.
Certain to become the web's latest viral sensation, Facebook's limited edition Dis-Like button is patterned after Homeland Security's color coded threat advisory system and reserved only for the most overblown egos in the sports world.
Facebook's new sports specific, multi-tiered feature allows users to display their personal distaste for self-absorbed jocks using this brilliantly simple annoyance alert system.
Wanna K.O. T.O.'s mindless chatter? Press the new yellow Dis-Like button for elevated annoyance and choose a complimentary Bag of Hot Air emoticon to appear next to the Bengal receiver's name and picture.
Wanna Deep 6 Ocho Cinco and drive Chad a little poco loco? Press the new orange Dis-Like button for high annoyance which will automatically attach a Thumbs Down icon next to Chad's photo, so your Facebook Friends can share their same Dis-Like with all of their Facebook Friends....up to 85 times apiece.
Wanna Short Circuit Shaq? Press the new red Dis-Like button for severe annoyance which automatically shuts down this shameless self-promoter on your Wall and instantly reports Big Diesel's boorish behavior to Facebook's on-line police.
Social network experts predict that Facebook's new sports feature will quickly emerge as the perfect antidote for overblown egos of overconfident athletes whose excessive self-promotion is crying out for curtailment.
Liking Facebook's new Dis-Like button - soon to be every sports fan's favorite.
This is MIKE - thee American made voice on sports!
www.facebook.com/theemikefans
Filling an urgent need on the web's most celebrated social site, Facebook's new Dis-Like button combats the shameless self-promotion of the sports world's biggest unbridled egos by affording frustrated fans the opportunity to stem the internet's newest STD (socially transmitted disease, that is) of tasteless sports celebrity hype.
Certain to become the web's latest viral sensation, Facebook's limited edition Dis-Like button is patterned after Homeland Security's color coded threat advisory system and reserved only for the most overblown egos in the sports world.
Facebook's new sports specific, multi-tiered feature allows users to display their personal distaste for self-absorbed jocks using this brilliantly simple annoyance alert system.
Wanna K.O. T.O.'s mindless chatter? Press the new yellow Dis-Like button for elevated annoyance and choose a complimentary Bag of Hot Air emoticon to appear next to the Bengal receiver's name and picture.
Wanna Deep 6 Ocho Cinco and drive Chad a little poco loco? Press the new orange Dis-Like button for high annoyance which will automatically attach a Thumbs Down icon next to Chad's photo, so your Facebook Friends can share their same Dis-Like with all of their Facebook Friends....up to 85 times apiece.
Wanna Short Circuit Shaq? Press the new red Dis-Like button for severe annoyance which automatically shuts down this shameless self-promoter on your Wall and instantly reports Big Diesel's boorish behavior to Facebook's on-line police.
Social network experts predict that Facebook's new sports feature will quickly emerge as the perfect antidote for overblown egos of overconfident athletes whose excessive self-promotion is crying out for curtailment.
Liking Facebook's new Dis-Like button - soon to be every sports fan's favorite.
This is MIKE - thee American made voice on sports!
www.facebook.com/theemikefans
Sunday, September 19, 2010
ESPN Announces Dancing with the Stars Spin-off (Satire)
Dancing with the Stars kicks off Monday on ABC.
In a surprise twist, Dancing with the Stars' (DWTS) unparalleled success has now spawned a spin-off sports show slotted for next spring on affiliate network ESPN. Aptly named Dancing with Parole Model Sports Stars, the series is hustling to assemble its ESPN All-Star line-up as famous felons, foolish philanderers and other celebrated sports figures boasting run-ins with the law are competing for the show's Mirrorball Trophy.
While most elements remain under wraps, TMZ has leaked details of the spring 2011 season of Dancing with Parole Model Sports Stars series.
Viewers will witness legendary jocks in the show's familiar holding tank as they ready to appear before a live audience with studio judges Carrie Ann Inaba, Bruno Tonioli and Len Goodman. However, while recent DWTS stars typically found standing before judges intimidating, executive producers at ESPN believe their crop of culpable contestants will be fully confident, especially considering their previous courtroom appearances and prior criminal records.
Exactly which professional dancers will be assigned to the Dancing with Parole Model Sports Stars inaugural line-up is yet to be cast in concrete. However, ESPN producers have locked up early commitments from several parole model sports stars and have already selected a few opening night numbers for these five philanderers and currently unfettered offenders.
Top golfer Tiger Woods, who routinely demonstrated superior skill in stepping out during his former marriage, will perform the Quick Step to Carrie Underwood's "Maybe Next Time He'll Think Before He Cheats".
Boxing champion Floyd Mayweather, Jr., who was recently indicted on multiple charges to include domestic battery, is currently slated to perform the Paso Dobles to Pat Benitar's "Hit Me With Your Best Shot".
Legendary pitcher Roger Clemens, who has been needled unmercifully by the Press concerning his future incarcerated state, has been unintentionally - yet ironically - booked for Boogieing to Elvis' "Jailhouse Rock".
Suspended NFL QB and former Super Bowl MVP Ben Roethlisberger, who continued his carnal craving for curvaceous coeds, will be choreographed slithering across the dance floor to Charlie Daniels' "The Devil Went Down to Millidgeville, Georgia".
NY Yankee 3B Alex Rodriguez, whose self-centered reputation prompted producers to part with the DWTS tradition of two-party routines, was selected to be its first contestant ever to dance alone in the competition, Free Styling to Carly Simon's "You're So Vain".
While scores of current and former athletes have lined up to break in to ESPN's Dancing with Parole Model Sports Stars' inaugural season, a few defendants, ah, contestants, fell through. DWTS host Tom Bergeron reported on athletes who purportedly took issue with ESPN's selection of songs for their first night's routines. They included:
Las Angeles Laker Kobe Bryant, who refused to perform the Polks to John Denver's "Rocky Mountain High Colorado".
Former NFL RB great OJ Simpson, who declined to dance the Fox Trot to "I Fought the Law and the Law Won".
And, finally, NFL Hall of Famer Lawrence Taylor, who refused to dance the new Horizontal Mambo to the tune of the classic 1959 hit, "Teen Angel".
Straight Talk. No Static.
MIKE - Thee American Made Voice on Sports
www.facebook.com/theemikefans
In a surprise twist, Dancing with the Stars' (DWTS) unparalleled success has now spawned a spin-off sports show slotted for next spring on affiliate network ESPN. Aptly named Dancing with Parole Model Sports Stars, the series is hustling to assemble its ESPN All-Star line-up as famous felons, foolish philanderers and other celebrated sports figures boasting run-ins with the law are competing for the show's Mirrorball Trophy.
While most elements remain under wraps, TMZ has leaked details of the spring 2011 season of Dancing with Parole Model Sports Stars series.
Viewers will witness legendary jocks in the show's familiar holding tank as they ready to appear before a live audience with studio judges Carrie Ann Inaba, Bruno Tonioli and Len Goodman. However, while recent DWTS stars typically found standing before judges intimidating, executive producers at ESPN believe their crop of culpable contestants will be fully confident, especially considering their previous courtroom appearances and prior criminal records.
Exactly which professional dancers will be assigned to the Dancing with Parole Model Sports Stars inaugural line-up is yet to be cast in concrete. However, ESPN producers have locked up early commitments from several parole model sports stars and have already selected a few opening night numbers for these five philanderers and currently unfettered offenders.
Top golfer Tiger Woods, who routinely demonstrated superior skill in stepping out during his former marriage, will perform the Quick Step to Carrie Underwood's "Maybe Next Time He'll Think Before He Cheats".
Boxing champion Floyd Mayweather, Jr., who was recently indicted on multiple charges to include domestic battery, is currently slated to perform the Paso Dobles to Pat Benitar's "Hit Me With Your Best Shot".
Legendary pitcher Roger Clemens, who has been needled unmercifully by the Press concerning his future incarcerated state, has been unintentionally - yet ironically - booked for Boogieing to Elvis' "Jailhouse Rock".
Suspended NFL QB and former Super Bowl MVP Ben Roethlisberger, who continued his carnal craving for curvaceous coeds, will be choreographed slithering across the dance floor to Charlie Daniels' "The Devil Went Down to Millidgeville, Georgia".
NY Yankee 3B Alex Rodriguez, whose self-centered reputation prompted producers to part with the DWTS tradition of two-party routines, was selected to be its first contestant ever to dance alone in the competition, Free Styling to Carly Simon's "You're So Vain".
While scores of current and former athletes have lined up to break in to ESPN's Dancing with Parole Model Sports Stars' inaugural season, a few defendants, ah, contestants, fell through. DWTS host Tom Bergeron reported on athletes who purportedly took issue with ESPN's selection of songs for their first night's routines. They included:
Las Angeles Laker Kobe Bryant, who refused to perform the Polks to John Denver's "Rocky Mountain High Colorado".
Former NFL RB great OJ Simpson, who declined to dance the Fox Trot to "I Fought the Law and the Law Won".
And, finally, NFL Hall of Famer Lawrence Taylor, who refused to dance the new Horizontal Mambo to the tune of the classic 1959 hit, "Teen Angel".
Straight Talk. No Static.
MIKE - Thee American Made Voice on Sports
www.facebook.com/theemikefans
Friday, September 17, 2010
Reggie Bush's Heisman Decision Prompts Other NFL Promises
Widespread speculation surrounding the NCAA's investigation finding that Reggie Bush and his family accepted cash and gifts from fledgling California sports agents prompted the 2005 Heisman winner to return the venerated Trophy.
The New Orleans Saints RB star's surprising decision spawned a series of other unlikely NFL players, coaches and teams to proffer these proclamations and generate the following gracious gestures.
NY Jets' cocky, corpulent coach Rex Ryan committed to construct a much better football team than the highly overrated one that never showed up for last Sunday night's nationally televised game on NBC.
Arizona Cardinals' management moved to waive 1st round pick Matt Leinart, so that the ex-USC QB bust could hone his skills and compete for a starting job on his old Pop Warner football team.
Tampa Bay Bucs, after an embarrassing opening day media blackout, vowed to draw more fans in the stands at Raymond James Stadium for their 2011 season kick-off than the total number of players who participated on the field in last week's battle between the Bucs and Browns.
New England Patriots' WR Randy Moss and Washington Redskins RB Clinton Portis guaranteed they'll continue to offer juicy, inane and selfish sound bites with Terrell Owens type flair until Commission Roger Goodell opts to step in and squash their reckless rants.
NJ Jets CB Antonio Cromartie, responding to HBO Hard Knocks' criticism of his irresponsible sexual behavior, pledged to remember the names and sexes of the seven children he fathered with six separate women in five different states during continuous one night stands over the past few years.
ESPN's John Clayton reports that the Heisman Trust in NYC will present Bush's return Trophy to the 2005 runner-up Vince Young as soon as they can identify the latest strip club where the former Texas QB is purported to spend all his time.
Straight Talk. No Static.
MIKE - Thee American Made Voice on Sports.
www.facebook.com/theemikefans
The New Orleans Saints RB star's surprising decision spawned a series of other unlikely NFL players, coaches and teams to proffer these proclamations and generate the following gracious gestures.
NY Jets' cocky, corpulent coach Rex Ryan committed to construct a much better football team than the highly overrated one that never showed up for last Sunday night's nationally televised game on NBC.
Arizona Cardinals' management moved to waive 1st round pick Matt Leinart, so that the ex-USC QB bust could hone his skills and compete for a starting job on his old Pop Warner football team.
Tampa Bay Bucs, after an embarrassing opening day media blackout, vowed to draw more fans in the stands at Raymond James Stadium for their 2011 season kick-off than the total number of players who participated on the field in last week's battle between the Bucs and Browns.
New England Patriots' WR Randy Moss and Washington Redskins RB Clinton Portis guaranteed they'll continue to offer juicy, inane and selfish sound bites with Terrell Owens type flair until Commission Roger Goodell opts to step in and squash their reckless rants.
NJ Jets CB Antonio Cromartie, responding to HBO Hard Knocks' criticism of his irresponsible sexual behavior, pledged to remember the names and sexes of the seven children he fathered with six separate women in five different states during continuous one night stands over the past few years.
ESPN's John Clayton reports that the Heisman Trust in NYC will present Bush's return Trophy to the 2005 runner-up Vince Young as soon as they can identify the latest strip club where the former Texas QB is purported to spend all his time.
Straight Talk. No Static.
MIKE - Thee American Made Voice on Sports.
www.facebook.com/theemikefans
Monday, September 13, 2010
Third Member of Notre Dame's Holy Trinity of Football Attacked
More shocking news reverberated around the Catholic football world this weekend, causing faithful Fighting Irish fans to fear for their eternal football salvation.
The third member of Notre Dame's venerated Holy Trinity of football, the Leprechaun, suffered an unexpected, unprecedented verbal attack during the school's nationally televised game versus the University of Michigan.
Unruly Wolverine fans unmercifully poked fun at the miniature bean pole clad in kelly green short shorts, knee high argyles and corny corn cob pipe. Fans from Ann Arbor taunted the Irish mascot to tears in his own stadium, suggesting that he couldn't intimidate a Teletubby and proffering that the pugnacious pixie shameless beat out a 90 year old nun for his mascot job. The unprovoked assault on Notre Dame's little greenie weenie comes at a precarious time in the history of the university's storied college football program.
Irish football fans were still reeling from two shocking incidences this year which nearly caused the gold dome on the South Bend campus to crumble and the Holy Trinity of Notre Dame football to unravel.
The first attack occurred last summer when a bolt of lightning struck Touch Down Jesus' iconic statue and sparked an ominous blow to Catholic football's Ground Zero. The second startling blow took place only last week as ND alumnus and Hall of Fame Super Bowl QB Joe Montana sacrilegiously questioned the authenticity of the athletic career of the school's beloved Rudy of major motion picture fame.
Finally, when this weekend's verbal effrontery by the Michigan fans forced the Notre Dame leprechaun to shake in his shamrock shorts, it appeared as if the bedrock under the Catholic football world would be irreparably shaken.
However, in true Catholic tradition, rosaries have been recited, candles have been lit and special masses have been said. To date, the plaster statue of Touch Down Jesus has been repaired. Rudy's reputation will be ultimately restored. And chances are good that Notre Dame's legendary Leprechaun will more than likely live on through this latest attack.
Straight Talk. No Static.
MIKE - Thee American Made Voice on Sports!
The third member of Notre Dame's venerated Holy Trinity of football, the Leprechaun, suffered an unexpected, unprecedented verbal attack during the school's nationally televised game versus the University of Michigan.
Unruly Wolverine fans unmercifully poked fun at the miniature bean pole clad in kelly green short shorts, knee high argyles and corny corn cob pipe. Fans from Ann Arbor taunted the Irish mascot to tears in his own stadium, suggesting that he couldn't intimidate a Teletubby and proffering that the pugnacious pixie shameless beat out a 90 year old nun for his mascot job. The unprovoked assault on Notre Dame's little greenie weenie comes at a precarious time in the history of the university's storied college football program.
Irish football fans were still reeling from two shocking incidences this year which nearly caused the gold dome on the South Bend campus to crumble and the Holy Trinity of Notre Dame football to unravel.
The first attack occurred last summer when a bolt of lightning struck Touch Down Jesus' iconic statue and sparked an ominous blow to Catholic football's Ground Zero. The second startling blow took place only last week as ND alumnus and Hall of Fame Super Bowl QB Joe Montana sacrilegiously questioned the authenticity of the athletic career of the school's beloved Rudy of major motion picture fame.
Finally, when this weekend's verbal effrontery by the Michigan fans forced the Notre Dame leprechaun to shake in his shamrock shorts, it appeared as if the bedrock under the Catholic football world would be irreparably shaken.
However, in true Catholic tradition, rosaries have been recited, candles have been lit and special masses have been said. To date, the plaster statue of Touch Down Jesus has been repaired. Rudy's reputation will be ultimately restored. And chances are good that Notre Dame's legendary Leprechaun will more than likely live on through this latest attack.
Straight Talk. No Static.
MIKE - Thee American Made Voice on Sports!
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Nike May Recall New Tim Tebow Shoes
Facing mounting pressure from special interest groups and the United States government, Nike may recall its new limited edition Tim Tebow Air Trainers.
The blue and orange Tebow endorsed shoes, which sold out on nikestore.com within 5 minutes last week, have sparked a firestorm of protests. Among the disgruntled groups are:
Southern Baptists, calling for a boycott of the sneaker giant, expressed outrage at Nike for naming the new Tebow shoe the Air Trainer 1.2 instead of the John 3:16.
Jesse Jackson, threatening to picket Denver Bronco home games this season, assailed Nike for failing to offer similar shoe deals to other NFL back-up quarterbacks of color.
Pro Choice groups, still steaming from the QB's Pro Life Super Bowl ad earlier this year, protested that the Tebow endorsed shoes infringe upon a woman's constitutional right to choose. Pro Choicers plan to boycott not only Nike, but also Jockey, Bible makers and all other products associated with the evangelical NFL rookie.
The ACLU, claiming the Promise decal on the the shoes' heel is another Tebow attempt to proselytize his faith, filed suit in Federal Court against the NFL to protect every American football fan's fundamental right to separation of church and state.
Finally, Homeland Security reporting that any purchaser wearing the new Tebow shoes demonstrated an ability to walk on water while leaving no discernable footprints in the sand, raised its Threat Level to Red. The Department feared that terrorists would go undetected if they wore the new Tebow shoes.
However, Cincinnati safety Kyries Hebert was quick to challenge Homeland Security's charge by offering, "The new Tebow shoes may not leave footprints in the sand, but when #15 runs over you on the goal line, they definitely engrave cleat marks on your forehead."
Straight talk. No static.
MIKE - thee American made voice on sports.
www.facebook.com/theemikefans
The blue and orange Tebow endorsed shoes, which sold out on nikestore.com within 5 minutes last week, have sparked a firestorm of protests. Among the disgruntled groups are:
Southern Baptists, calling for a boycott of the sneaker giant, expressed outrage at Nike for naming the new Tebow shoe the Air Trainer 1.2 instead of the John 3:16.
Jesse Jackson, threatening to picket Denver Bronco home games this season, assailed Nike for failing to offer similar shoe deals to other NFL back-up quarterbacks of color.
Pro Choice groups, still steaming from the QB's Pro Life Super Bowl ad earlier this year, protested that the Tebow endorsed shoes infringe upon a woman's constitutional right to choose. Pro Choicers plan to boycott not only Nike, but also Jockey, Bible makers and all other products associated with the evangelical NFL rookie.
The ACLU, claiming the Promise decal on the the shoes' heel is another Tebow attempt to proselytize his faith, filed suit in Federal Court against the NFL to protect every American football fan's fundamental right to separation of church and state.
Finally, Homeland Security reporting that any purchaser wearing the new Tebow shoes demonstrated an ability to walk on water while leaving no discernable footprints in the sand, raised its Threat Level to Red. The Department feared that terrorists would go undetected if they wore the new Tebow shoes.
However, Cincinnati safety Kyries Hebert was quick to challenge Homeland Security's charge by offering, "The new Tebow shoes may not leave footprints in the sand, but when #15 runs over you on the goal line, they definitely engrave cleat marks on your forehead."
Straight talk. No static.
MIKE - thee American made voice on sports.
www.facebook.com/theemikefans
Monday, August 16, 2010
Kim Kardashian Now Linked to NY Yankee Legend
"It's like deja-vu all over again!"
Kim Kardashian, famous for being famous for foraging after flashy football players, is once again romantically linked to another celebrity athlete - this time a jock from a different sport. And it's not soccer super star Cristiano Rinaldo or hooper Lebron James.
Hint. . . he's a lifelong NY Yankee, but it's not Derek Jeter. No, not even A-Rod.
This weekend, TMZ caught Kim Kardashian cuddling in a corner at Kutsher's in the Catskills with none other than legendary NY Yankee Yogi Berra. Yup, Berra, as in the original Yogi and former Bronx Bomber all star catcher and manager.
TMZ photographed the curious couple biting into their blintzes at the retirement resort's 4pm early bird buffet. The octogenarian has reportedly fallen fast for the flirtatious Kim, who bears a striking resemblance to ol' No. 8's great-granddaughter's niece.
Though the news shocked Kim's fans, it didn't rock either of Kim's gold digging sisters. Khloe commented that Kim was unfulfilled while linked to future Hall of Famers and wanted the immediate gratification of having a revered sports icon at her side.
Kourtney advised Kim to hook her Hall of Famer now . . . even if her new beau's bronze bust was bestowed in Cooperstown four decades ago!
ESPN reported that Berra bested another potential suitor and nuptial contender, NY Jets Superbowl III hero Joe Namath. Although Broadway Joe purportedly texted Kim hourly and sent bountiful bouquets of flowers to her LA digs, Kim shared with confidants that the 67-year-old Joe Willie was just too young and fell short of Kim's "bling" prerequisites. Joe only won one Super Bowl ring and two MVP awards during his career, while Yogi amassed three MVP trophies and a whopping 13 World Series titles.
For the guy who said, "A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore," let's see how Yogi handles the socialite's prodigious penchant for pearls, paparazzi and panache.
Kris Kardashian Jenner, Kim's maternal role model and sports celebrity marrying mom, voiced concern over her eldest daughter's choice for a new paramour. However, Berra immediately reinforced his commitment to keep up with the 30-year-old Kardashian, echoing quotes he made famous decades ago.
"In spite of our fifty year age disparity . . . . our similarities are just different." Then, Berra boyishly beamed, "I'm optimistic, and this relationship ain't over till it's over."
So, let's keep a careful watch over the lovable Berra. Because with Kim Kardashian in the mix, like Yogi says, "It's like deja-vu all over again."
Straight Talk. No Static.
MIKE - Thee American Made Voice on Sports
www.facebook.com/theemikefans
Kim Kardashian, famous for being famous for foraging after flashy football players, is once again romantically linked to another celebrity athlete - this time a jock from a different sport. And it's not soccer super star Cristiano Rinaldo or hooper Lebron James.
Hint. . . he's a lifelong NY Yankee, but it's not Derek Jeter. No, not even A-Rod.
This weekend, TMZ caught Kim Kardashian cuddling in a corner at Kutsher's in the Catskills with none other than legendary NY Yankee Yogi Berra. Yup, Berra, as in the original Yogi and former Bronx Bomber all star catcher and manager.
TMZ photographed the curious couple biting into their blintzes at the retirement resort's 4pm early bird buffet. The octogenarian has reportedly fallen fast for the flirtatious Kim, who bears a striking resemblance to ol' No. 8's great-granddaughter's niece.
Though the news shocked Kim's fans, it didn't rock either of Kim's gold digging sisters. Khloe commented that Kim was unfulfilled while linked to future Hall of Famers and wanted the immediate gratification of having a revered sports icon at her side.
Kourtney advised Kim to hook her Hall of Famer now . . . even if her new beau's bronze bust was bestowed in Cooperstown four decades ago!
ESPN reported that Berra bested another potential suitor and nuptial contender, NY Jets Superbowl III hero Joe Namath. Although Broadway Joe purportedly texted Kim hourly and sent bountiful bouquets of flowers to her LA digs, Kim shared with confidants that the 67-year-old Joe Willie was just too young and fell short of Kim's "bling" prerequisites. Joe only won one Super Bowl ring and two MVP awards during his career, while Yogi amassed three MVP trophies and a whopping 13 World Series titles.
For the guy who said, "A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore," let's see how Yogi handles the socialite's prodigious penchant for pearls, paparazzi and panache.
Kris Kardashian Jenner, Kim's maternal role model and sports celebrity marrying mom, voiced concern over her eldest daughter's choice for a new paramour. However, Berra immediately reinforced his commitment to keep up with the 30-year-old Kardashian, echoing quotes he made famous decades ago.
"In spite of our fifty year age disparity . . . . our similarities are just different." Then, Berra boyishly beamed, "I'm optimistic, and this relationship ain't over till it's over."
So, let's keep a careful watch over the lovable Berra. Because with Kim Kardashian in the mix, like Yogi says, "It's like deja-vu all over again."
Straight Talk. No Static.
MIKE - Thee American Made Voice on Sports
www.facebook.com/theemikefans
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Another NY Jet Bitter Contract Dispute
Bitter contract disputes may thwart this year's NY Jets' Super Bowl run.
The NY Jets announced today that another key member of its organization is seeking a lucrative long term deal and has still not reported to the team's training camp.
In addition to all pro cornerback Darrelle Revis, Jets' Towel Boy (name withheld for fear of retribution from team's rabid fans) is holding out after just one good year in the locker room. Towel Boy is demanding his contract be renegotiated to include more guaranteed money, a better supply of ultra fabric softener and the new commercial grade, super capacity Whirlpool Pro with tumble dry and special heated racks.
Towel Boy's agents scoffed at what they considered to be the Jets' recent paltry offer. Citing last year's deal signed by an Oakland Raiders' locker room attendant (name also withheld because it's impossible to pronounce, let alone spell), agents argued that the Jets' star Towel Boy is far better at gathering, washing, rinsing and folding than his Left Coast counterpart and should be paid appropriately for his domestic dexterity and all star skills.
Jets' coach and prodigious perspirer Rex Ryan intervened, offering to have Towel Boy and his entourage sit down with Jets players and management to hammer out a new deal. Ryan ranted, "We need towels and we need them now! It's hot out there and our guys are really sweating."
HBO's "Hard Knocks" also reported that Towel Boy may be receiving misguided counsel from a cousin, a former star NFL equipment manager and graduate of the same Big East university in western Pennsylvania.
Until Jets owner Woody Johnson resolves the Revis and Towel Boy drama, Jets' players have been grudgingly bringing their own towels to practice.
NY Jets management will need to stop the spin cycle of the Revis and Towel Boy talks soon; otherwise, Gang Green's chances of a 2011 Super Bowl title may be all washed up.
Straight Talk. No Static.
MIKE - Thee American Made Voice on Sports
www.facebook.com/theemikefans
The NY Jets announced today that another key member of its organization is seeking a lucrative long term deal and has still not reported to the team's training camp.
In addition to all pro cornerback Darrelle Revis, Jets' Towel Boy (name withheld for fear of retribution from team's rabid fans) is holding out after just one good year in the locker room. Towel Boy is demanding his contract be renegotiated to include more guaranteed money, a better supply of ultra fabric softener and the new commercial grade, super capacity Whirlpool Pro with tumble dry and special heated racks.
Towel Boy's agents scoffed at what they considered to be the Jets' recent paltry offer. Citing last year's deal signed by an Oakland Raiders' locker room attendant (name also withheld because it's impossible to pronounce, let alone spell), agents argued that the Jets' star Towel Boy is far better at gathering, washing, rinsing and folding than his Left Coast counterpart and should be paid appropriately for his domestic dexterity and all star skills.
Jets' coach and prodigious perspirer Rex Ryan intervened, offering to have Towel Boy and his entourage sit down with Jets players and management to hammer out a new deal. Ryan ranted, "We need towels and we need them now! It's hot out there and our guys are really sweating."
HBO's "Hard Knocks" also reported that Towel Boy may be receiving misguided counsel from a cousin, a former star NFL equipment manager and graduate of the same Big East university in western Pennsylvania.
Until Jets owner Woody Johnson resolves the Revis and Towel Boy drama, Jets' players have been grudgingly bringing their own towels to practice.
NY Jets management will need to stop the spin cycle of the Revis and Towel Boy talks soon; otherwise, Gang Green's chances of a 2011 Super Bowl title may be all washed up.
Straight Talk. No Static.
MIKE - Thee American Made Voice on Sports
www.facebook.com/theemikefans
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Coca-Cola's Vitamin Water Confession
Sports fans are still laughing after learning last week that Coca-Cola admitted in US District Court that its sports drink Vitamin Water is not a healthy beverage and that it violates FDA food fortification and product naming guidelines.
Imagine that! Only a handful of actual vitamins in a sports drink called Vitamin Water from our "health conscious" friends at Coca-Cola, makers of the "nutritiously rich" Fanta, Fresca, TAB, Pibb Xtra and Mellow Yellow soft drink brands.
So, who will be the next national advertiser who needs to come clean with the American sports fan?
Will Gatorade finally disclose what's actually in you...or us...or it?
Will Nike implore customers to finally stop doing it, i.e. overpaying for their ridiculously over-priced sneakers and athletic apparel?
Will AT&T change its slogan to "Fewer Bars in More Places" to more accurately reflect its at times woeful cellular service?
Will Budweiser report that the same flat-stomached, buxom blondes in their commercials never actually drink their weight gaining product?
Will GEICO fess up that they may have saved you 15% in car insurance, but they raised your deductible to $5,000?
And will McDonald's, Burger King and Taco Bell all be forced to admit that most of their fast food has less nutritional value than say.....Coca-Cola's Vitamin Water?
You get my drift.
I probably could have thiught up plenty more examples of these artificial ads, but I didn't take a Lunesta and stay at a Holiday Inn last night.
Straight talk. No static.
MIKE - thee American made voice on sports!
www.facebook.com/theemikefans
Imagine that! Only a handful of actual vitamins in a sports drink called Vitamin Water from our "health conscious" friends at Coca-Cola, makers of the "nutritiously rich" Fanta, Fresca, TAB, Pibb Xtra and Mellow Yellow soft drink brands.
So, who will be the next national advertiser who needs to come clean with the American sports fan?
Will Gatorade finally disclose what's actually in you...or us...or it?
Will Nike implore customers to finally stop doing it, i.e. overpaying for their ridiculously over-priced sneakers and athletic apparel?
Will AT&T change its slogan to "Fewer Bars in More Places" to more accurately reflect its at times woeful cellular service?
Will Budweiser report that the same flat-stomached, buxom blondes in their commercials never actually drink their weight gaining product?
Will GEICO fess up that they may have saved you 15% in car insurance, but they raised your deductible to $5,000?
And will McDonald's, Burger King and Taco Bell all be forced to admit that most of their fast food has less nutritional value than say.....Coca-Cola's Vitamin Water?
You get my drift.
I probably could have thiught up plenty more examples of these artificial ads, but I didn't take a Lunesta and stay at a Holiday Inn last night.
Straight talk. No static.
MIKE - thee American made voice on sports!
www.facebook.com/theemikefans
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Albert Haynesworth Passes Redskins' Test - Satire
Washington Redskins' defensive tackle Albert Haynesworth finally passed his mandatory conditioning test yesterday at the team's practice facility in Ashburn, VA.
Haynesworth successfully completed two sets of back-and-forth 25-yard sprints, passing two dozen buffet tables laden with barbequed ribs, Southern fried chicken, hot biscuits and gravy, and double-dipped chocolate donuts with sprinkles . . . all in under the required four minutes with just a ninety minute nap in between.
With iceburg quickness, Haynesworth exhibited amazing willpower as he lumbered by both rows of bountiful fried feasts and delectable desserts.
Redskins coach Mike Shanahan praised his $100M+ defensive tackle's poise under pressure, commenting, "The fried chicken smelled and looked especially good!"
However, Shanahan feared Haynesworth may have re-tweeked his sore left knee shortly before ending his obligatory run when Big 92 stopped, in cruise ship type suddenness, for a second whiff of the barbequed spare ribs.
Washington's medical staff quickly reported that Haynesworth's knee would be re-examined and that the run stopper's daily diet of carrots, sesame seeds, tofu and a 6 oz. lean chicken breast would be closely monitored.
Haynesworth, who had not spoken to the media before Saturday, publicly thanked Biggest Loser's Jillian Michaels for coaching through this arduous and tempting ordeal.
The Redskins' star lineman now faces his next big test. Can he successfully get off the field when substituted . . . .before the NFL's 25 second play clock expires . . . or will he need to stop for a snack before reaching the sidelines?
Straight Talk. No Static.
MIKE - Thee American Made Voice on Sports!
http://www.facebook.com/theemikefans
Haynesworth successfully completed two sets of back-and-forth 25-yard sprints, passing two dozen buffet tables laden with barbequed ribs, Southern fried chicken, hot biscuits and gravy, and double-dipped chocolate donuts with sprinkles . . . all in under the required four minutes with just a ninety minute nap in between.
With iceburg quickness, Haynesworth exhibited amazing willpower as he lumbered by both rows of bountiful fried feasts and delectable desserts.
Redskins coach Mike Shanahan praised his $100M+ defensive tackle's poise under pressure, commenting, "The fried chicken smelled and looked especially good!"
However, Shanahan feared Haynesworth may have re-tweeked his sore left knee shortly before ending his obligatory run when Big 92 stopped, in cruise ship type suddenness, for a second whiff of the barbequed spare ribs.
Washington's medical staff quickly reported that Haynesworth's knee would be re-examined and that the run stopper's daily diet of carrots, sesame seeds, tofu and a 6 oz. lean chicken breast would be closely monitored.
Haynesworth, who had not spoken to the media before Saturday, publicly thanked Biggest Loser's Jillian Michaels for coaching through this arduous and tempting ordeal.
The Redskins' star lineman now faces his next big test. Can he successfully get off the field when substituted . . . .before the NFL's 25 second play clock expires . . . or will he need to stop for a snack before reaching the sidelines?
Straight Talk. No Static.
MIKE - Thee American Made Voice on Sports!
http://www.facebook.com/theemikefans
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Knuckleheaded Knicks
Tell me James Dolan and Donnie Walsh aren't a couple of Knuckleheaded Knicks.
What on earth were they thinking? I didn't know whether to laugh, cry or scream upon learning the news that these two senior NBA executives re-signed former NY Knicks President and Coach Isaiah Thomas as a special consultant to their organization.
Dolan's and Walsh's decision to rehire Thomas is deplorably, ridiculously, irresponsibly disgusting. Their knuckledheaded move sends the WRONG message.....that anyone can get rehired by your former employee even after you:
1. fail miserably at your job as a coach with a woeful 23-59 record in 2007-08
2. cost your former bosses $11.6 million to settle a lawsuit you caused
3. sexually harass a woman who worked for you
and worse yet...
4. throw your very own daughter under the proverbial bus when the police respond to your home to investigate your purported drug overdose / suicide.
I'm very curious to see whether self-righteous NBA Commissioner David Stern, so protective of the league's declining image, weighs in on this abhorent NY Knicks news.
In a professional basketball league where "Amazing Happens" there should never be any room for the reprehensible decisions of Knuckleheaded Knicks.
Straight talk. No static.
MIKE - thee American Made Voice on Sports!
www.facebook.com/theemikefans
What on earth were they thinking? I didn't know whether to laugh, cry or scream upon learning the news that these two senior NBA executives re-signed former NY Knicks President and Coach Isaiah Thomas as a special consultant to their organization.
Dolan's and Walsh's decision to rehire Thomas is deplorably, ridiculously, irresponsibly disgusting. Their knuckledheaded move sends the WRONG message.....that anyone can get rehired by your former employee even after you:
1. fail miserably at your job as a coach with a woeful 23-59 record in 2007-08
2. cost your former bosses $11.6 million to settle a lawsuit you caused
3. sexually harass a woman who worked for you
and worse yet...
4. throw your very own daughter under the proverbial bus when the police respond to your home to investigate your purported drug overdose / suicide.
I'm very curious to see whether self-righteous NBA Commissioner David Stern, so protective of the league's declining image, weighs in on this abhorent NY Knicks news.
In a professional basketball league where "Amazing Happens" there should never be any room for the reprehensible decisions of Knuckleheaded Knicks.
Straight talk. No static.
MIKE - thee American Made Voice on Sports!
www.facebook.com/theemikefans
Friday, August 6, 2010
No Penance for Pitino
Another fallen skirt chaser in the sports world will not be disciplined.
University of Louisville Athletic Director Tom Jurich reiterated his school's unwavering support for Men's Basketball Coach Rick Pitino yesterday following the conviction of Karen Cunagin Sypher, 50, for attempting to extort millions from the Cardinals' high profile coach after their tawdry tryst.
The skirt chasing Pitino's foolish philandering in 2003 has cost him and his school public embarrassment and national ridicule. However, Slick Rick won't face any disciplinary action from the university or, at this time, from the NCAA.
Astonishingly, the Big East School earlier this year awarded Pitino with a four year contract extension through 2017. As many Catholics expressed, "What a Cardinal sin of epic proportions!"
This torrid tale would not be so tawdry and worth retelling had it not been for Pitino presenting himself as a paragon of family values while parading around with a Parish priest and piously pontificating about Catholic principles.
The media has had lots of fallen skirt chasers to report on these days, and Rick Pitino hasn't been the only adulterer asking for forgiveness for his duplicitous decisions. Pittsburgh Steeler QB Ben Roethlisberger regretted running after a Goergia vixen, and iconic golfer Tiger Woods apologized for his serial indiscretions. While the NFL suspended Big Ben for the start of the season, the PGA Tour took a much different approach and never even attempted to correct the wayward Woods - the sport's undisputed cash cow.
So, it'll interesting to witness which philandering philosophy the usually conservative NCAA embraces as the lurid details of Pitino's frolicking and subsequent cover-up have publicly unfolded. Will the NCAA face Pitino's foibles straight fowardly and formally kick his can to the curb for violating the collegiate organization's morality standards? Or, will the NCAA support Louisville and stauchly stand by its "stud" coach like the the PGA Tour's laughable loyalty to its lecherous lout? After all, aren't there 20,000 seats in Louisville's new downtown arena that need to be filled?
The University of Louisville had the opportunity to take a stand by setting the example that wanna-be womanizers need to keep their zippers zipped.
Now, it's the NCAA's turn to prescribe penance for Pitino's pathetic hypocrisy.
Staright talk, No static.
MIKE - thee American made voice on sports!
University of Louisville Athletic Director Tom Jurich reiterated his school's unwavering support for Men's Basketball Coach Rick Pitino yesterday following the conviction of Karen Cunagin Sypher, 50, for attempting to extort millions from the Cardinals' high profile coach after their tawdry tryst.
The skirt chasing Pitino's foolish philandering in 2003 has cost him and his school public embarrassment and national ridicule. However, Slick Rick won't face any disciplinary action from the university or, at this time, from the NCAA.
Astonishingly, the Big East School earlier this year awarded Pitino with a four year contract extension through 2017. As many Catholics expressed, "What a Cardinal sin of epic proportions!"
This torrid tale would not be so tawdry and worth retelling had it not been for Pitino presenting himself as a paragon of family values while parading around with a Parish priest and piously pontificating about Catholic principles.
The media has had lots of fallen skirt chasers to report on these days, and Rick Pitino hasn't been the only adulterer asking for forgiveness for his duplicitous decisions. Pittsburgh Steeler QB Ben Roethlisberger regretted running after a Goergia vixen, and iconic golfer Tiger Woods apologized for his serial indiscretions. While the NFL suspended Big Ben for the start of the season, the PGA Tour took a much different approach and never even attempted to correct the wayward Woods - the sport's undisputed cash cow.
So, it'll interesting to witness which philandering philosophy the usually conservative NCAA embraces as the lurid details of Pitino's frolicking and subsequent cover-up have publicly unfolded. Will the NCAA face Pitino's foibles straight fowardly and formally kick his can to the curb for violating the collegiate organization's morality standards? Or, will the NCAA support Louisville and stauchly stand by its "stud" coach like the the PGA Tour's laughable loyalty to its lecherous lout? After all, aren't there 20,000 seats in Louisville's new downtown arena that need to be filled?
The University of Louisville had the opportunity to take a stand by setting the example that wanna-be womanizers need to keep their zippers zipped.
Now, it's the NCAA's turn to prescribe penance for Pitino's pathetic hypocrisy.
Staright talk, No static.
MIKE - thee American made voice on sports!
Thursday, August 5, 2010
SHAQ-tastrophe!
The Celtics are courting SHAQ-tastrophe!
Last season's NBA Finals Runner Ups are flaunting with failure as the Celtics have signed 38-year-old former NBA All-Star Shaquille O'Neal to a two year contract.
In this coming NBA season, look for a series of SHAQ-tastrophes beginning with a kelly green clad sputtering Big Diesel lumbering down the parquet court of Boston's TD Bank and North Garden.
Already limited in its fast break, an aged Celtics team has added the glacier quick Shaq to its squad. . . certain to tether itself further to the immovable foundation of Boston's iconic John Hancock Building.
At first, watch the plodding Planet Cryptonite schmooze teammates with his signature shuck and jive and influence his new Boston friends with a feigned team-first philosophy. However, O'Neal's game has always been Shaq vs. . . well . . . everybody else . . . 'cause it's always been all about 7' 1" and 335+ pounds of Shaq and his monumental ego.
Then, just wait till December, when Shaq Daddy wants more touches and disheartened guards like Rajon Rondo and Nate Robinson howl at the horrific sight of this Big Fella hampering their way to the hoop.
Worse yet, wait until February, when the original Celtic Big 3 of Ray Allen, Paul Pierce and Kevin Garnett have had enough hubris from this new Hulking Ham in the Hub City hoping to become a cozy Celtic Quartet. But that won't ever happen.
Expect O'Neal to exit Boston after just one season or maybe even sooner. History documents his less than magical departure from Orlando, his petty parting from the Lakers, Shaq's scorched separations from the Suns and Heat and his recent cavalier departure from Cleveland.
Despite my prognostications, here's hoping the Celtics will salvage this season by muzzling this megalomaniac and sparingly utilizing his waning talents.
Otherwise, Coach Doc Rivers will be courting a sure SHAQ-tastrophe with the NBA's former Superman and now sputtering Big Diesel.
Straight Talk. No Static.
MIKE - Thee American Made Voice on Sports!
Last season's NBA Finals Runner Ups are flaunting with failure as the Celtics have signed 38-year-old former NBA All-Star Shaquille O'Neal to a two year contract.
In this coming NBA season, look for a series of SHAQ-tastrophes beginning with a kelly green clad sputtering Big Diesel lumbering down the parquet court of Boston's TD Bank and North Garden.
Already limited in its fast break, an aged Celtics team has added the glacier quick Shaq to its squad. . . certain to tether itself further to the immovable foundation of Boston's iconic John Hancock Building.
At first, watch the plodding Planet Cryptonite schmooze teammates with his signature shuck and jive and influence his new Boston friends with a feigned team-first philosophy. However, O'Neal's game has always been Shaq vs. . . well . . . everybody else . . . 'cause it's always been all about 7' 1" and 335+ pounds of Shaq and his monumental ego.
Then, just wait till December, when Shaq Daddy wants more touches and disheartened guards like Rajon Rondo and Nate Robinson howl at the horrific sight of this Big Fella hampering their way to the hoop.
Worse yet, wait until February, when the original Celtic Big 3 of Ray Allen, Paul Pierce and Kevin Garnett have had enough hubris from this new Hulking Ham in the Hub City hoping to become a cozy Celtic Quartet. But that won't ever happen.
Expect O'Neal to exit Boston after just one season or maybe even sooner. History documents his less than magical departure from Orlando, his petty parting from the Lakers, Shaq's scorched separations from the Suns and Heat and his recent cavalier departure from Cleveland.
Despite my prognostications, here's hoping the Celtics will salvage this season by muzzling this megalomaniac and sparingly utilizing his waning talents.
Otherwise, Coach Doc Rivers will be courting a sure SHAQ-tastrophe with the NBA's former Superman and now sputtering Big Diesel.
Straight Talk. No Static.
MIKE - Thee American Made Voice on Sports!
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Lebron James' Decision Part II
Sources close to the King-Without-a-Ring reported that ESPN will devote another hour covering Lebron James' decision to take his talented flesh to Miami. This time....to get another tattoo.
Incredulous at first, ESPN never thought Lebron had enough flesh cap room left on his body to possibly accomodate another tattoo. However, upon further scrutiny, ESPN believed LBJ's anticipated body art announcement warranted another prime time infomercial.
Hoping to avoid the train wreck of last week's Lebron James' Decision - Part I, ESPN announced that legendary rocker and tattoo afficianado Tommy Lee would host the event. Having gone under the needle hundreds of times before, ESPN thought Lee would offer credibility and maturity. Heavily pierced and more heavilt tatted, Lee will ask Lebron the body art questions all of America is pining to know. And maybe, just maybe, this time Lebron will actually remember all of the pre-scripted questions.
Tommy Lee's interview will purportedly take place on a make-shift stage set in one of South Beach's bevy of ink parlors. Aspiring tattooists from throughout South Florida as well as most members of the Denver Nugget basketball team are expected to be on hand to offer Lebron much needed support.
Speculation concerning the nature of more indistinguishable body art adorning the body of the reigning NBA MVP continues to build, and Vegas oddsmakers soon plan to post their prognostications. Undisclosed sources in the James camp have been heard to comment that:
Cleveland Cavalier owner Dan Gilbert suggested an image of Benedict Arnold be emblazoned prominently on whatever area of un-inked flesh flesh remained on Lebron's body.
Former teammates Mo Williams and Anderson Verajou pleaded with Lebron to memorialize them by inking their initials on his back, you know, the very same back the former 23 carried them on the last two NBA seasons.
Reverend Jesse Jackson implored the now former Cavalier to display the words, "emancipated indentured servant" on the unfettered hands that passed, rebounded and scored so effortlessly for his Plantation minded bosses in Cleveland.
Bulls, Nets, Knicks and Clippers representatives pushed for Lebron to officially change his new Miami Heat number from 6 to 666 and ink it permanently on his forehead.
However, the decision on what to do next in Miami with his talented flesh rests entirely with the King-Without-a-Ring.
Tune in to ESPN's next Lebron-athon, and you'll know the answer to LBJ's agonizing decision - and hopefully not after Tommy Lee's 16th question.
MIKE - thee American made voice on sports!
Incredulous at first, ESPN never thought Lebron had enough flesh cap room left on his body to possibly accomodate another tattoo. However, upon further scrutiny, ESPN believed LBJ's anticipated body art announcement warranted another prime time infomercial.
Hoping to avoid the train wreck of last week's Lebron James' Decision - Part I, ESPN announced that legendary rocker and tattoo afficianado Tommy Lee would host the event. Having gone under the needle hundreds of times before, ESPN thought Lee would offer credibility and maturity. Heavily pierced and more heavilt tatted, Lee will ask Lebron the body art questions all of America is pining to know. And maybe, just maybe, this time Lebron will actually remember all of the pre-scripted questions.
Tommy Lee's interview will purportedly take place on a make-shift stage set in one of South Beach's bevy of ink parlors. Aspiring tattooists from throughout South Florida as well as most members of the Denver Nugget basketball team are expected to be on hand to offer Lebron much needed support.
Speculation concerning the nature of more indistinguishable body art adorning the body of the reigning NBA MVP continues to build, and Vegas oddsmakers soon plan to post their prognostications. Undisclosed sources in the James camp have been heard to comment that:
Cleveland Cavalier owner Dan Gilbert suggested an image of Benedict Arnold be emblazoned prominently on whatever area of un-inked flesh flesh remained on Lebron's body.
Former teammates Mo Williams and Anderson Verajou pleaded with Lebron to memorialize them by inking their initials on his back, you know, the very same back the former 23 carried them on the last two NBA seasons.
Reverend Jesse Jackson implored the now former Cavalier to display the words, "emancipated indentured servant" on the unfettered hands that passed, rebounded and scored so effortlessly for his Plantation minded bosses in Cleveland.
Bulls, Nets, Knicks and Clippers representatives pushed for Lebron to officially change his new Miami Heat number from 6 to 666 and ink it permanently on his forehead.
However, the decision on what to do next in Miami with his talented flesh rests entirely with the King-Without-a-Ring.
Tune in to ESPN's next Lebron-athon, and you'll know the answer to LBJ's agonizing decision - and hopefully not after Tommy Lee's 16th question.
MIKE - thee American made voice on sports!
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Chris Berman's Bold ESPY 2011 Prediction
ESPN's Bob Ley and Stuart Scott are smiling.
Their legendary broadcasting buddy, Chris Berman, stepped way "outside the lines" this morning on my sports television talk show with a bold prediction. Booyah!
Commenting on last night's ESPY Awards in LA, the Swami passionately picked me - Michael Anthony Raffone, aka Mike Raffone, or simply MIKE as a lock for a 2011 ESPY in a new ESPY category as Breakout Broadcaster of the Year!
Uncharacteristically agitated at his beloved employer, Berman bemoaned that the World Wide Leader in Sports has apparently whiffed on the opportunity to sign me - the World Wide Leader in Sports Humor - to a long term Sports Center anchor gig!
Berman berated ESPN management as "rumblin', bumblin' and stumblin" their way through contract negotiations with my agent. ESPN's most revered television reporter appeared exasperated by the thought of probably losing me - the Long Awaited Microphone Messiah - to a rival sports media company. ESPN co-hosts Ley and Scott shared similar sentiments.
Berman stated, "MIKE is a perfectly constructed Titanium American Microphone manufactured with only the finest imported components. He can't possibly make a mistake......unless a team of writers and animators program him to do something stupid."
Berman continued by saying, "ESPN will look back...back...back... years from now and painfully regret its decision not to sign this new MIKE guy for the next Millenium. Picking any human smooth-talking suit over MIKE rivals that of the Blazers drafting Sam Bowie over another Mike way back in 1984!"
Calls to ESPN management were not returned. Speculation surfaced that high powered heads in Bristol will roll for failing to sign me - the new Ultimate Talking Head in Sports!
Berman blasted bureaucrats in Bristol and bemused that, as America's favorite new sportscaster, I... will... go... all... the... way........to the ESPY podium in LA in July 2011.
Straight talk. No static.
MIKE - thee American made voice on sports!
www.facebook.com/theemikefans - Become a Fan today!
Their legendary broadcasting buddy, Chris Berman, stepped way "outside the lines" this morning on my sports television talk show with a bold prediction. Booyah!
Commenting on last night's ESPY Awards in LA, the Swami passionately picked me - Michael Anthony Raffone, aka Mike Raffone, or simply MIKE as a lock for a 2011 ESPY in a new ESPY category as Breakout Broadcaster of the Year!
Uncharacteristically agitated at his beloved employer, Berman bemoaned that the World Wide Leader in Sports has apparently whiffed on the opportunity to sign me - the World Wide Leader in Sports Humor - to a long term Sports Center anchor gig!
Berman berated ESPN management as "rumblin', bumblin' and stumblin" their way through contract negotiations with my agent. ESPN's most revered television reporter appeared exasperated by the thought of probably losing me - the Long Awaited Microphone Messiah - to a rival sports media company. ESPN co-hosts Ley and Scott shared similar sentiments.
Berman stated, "MIKE is a perfectly constructed Titanium American Microphone manufactured with only the finest imported components. He can't possibly make a mistake......unless a team of writers and animators program him to do something stupid."
Berman continued by saying, "ESPN will look back...back...back... years from now and painfully regret its decision not to sign this new MIKE guy for the next Millenium. Picking any human smooth-talking suit over MIKE rivals that of the Blazers drafting Sam Bowie over another Mike way back in 1984!"
Calls to ESPN management were not returned. Speculation surfaced that high powered heads in Bristol will roll for failing to sign me - the new Ultimate Talking Head in Sports!
Berman blasted bureaucrats in Bristol and bemused that, as America's favorite new sportscaster, I... will... go... all... the... way........to the ESPY podium in LA in July 2011.
Straight talk. No static.
MIKE - thee American made voice on sports!
www.facebook.com/theemikefans - Become a Fan today!
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Expunge Expectorating
Spitting in baseball is a Major League problem.
While watching last night’s All Star game on FOX, the disgusting discharges emanating from eminent National and American League players seriously sullied my spectating enjoyment.
I know all of America agrees with me that baseball players spit way too much.
The only thing more annoying than Tim McCarver’s minutiae or Joe Buck’s babbling about boring baseball statistics is seeing the sunflower seeds and spittle splattering the baseball diamonds of an All Star Game.
Major League Baseball needs to establish a No Spitting Policy immediately. Look at other sports. You don’t see Lebron launching a loogie into the lane before attempting a free throw or Michael Phelps flinging phlegm into the pool before diving off the starting block in a big race.
Before losing its faithful baseball fan base to saliva-free sports, the Commissioner needs to halt the hurling of hawkers by Expunging Expectorating from baseball!
Straight Talk. No static.
MIKE – The American Made Voice on Sports
While watching last night’s All Star game on FOX, the disgusting discharges emanating from eminent National and American League players seriously sullied my spectating enjoyment.
I know all of America agrees with me that baseball players spit way too much.
The only thing more annoying than Tim McCarver’s minutiae or Joe Buck’s babbling about boring baseball statistics is seeing the sunflower seeds and spittle splattering the baseball diamonds of an All Star Game.
Major League Baseball needs to establish a No Spitting Policy immediately. Look at other sports. You don’t see Lebron launching a loogie into the lane before attempting a free throw or Michael Phelps flinging phlegm into the pool before diving off the starting block in a big race.
Before losing its faithful baseball fan base to saliva-free sports, the Commissioner needs to halt the hurling of hawkers by Expunging Expectorating from baseball!
Straight Talk. No static.
MIKE – The American Made Voice on Sports
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