Reggie Bush's Heisman Decision Prompts Other NFL Promises

Widespread speculation surrounding the NCAA's investigation finding that Reggie Bush and his family accepted cash and gifts from fledgling California sports agents prompted the 2005 Heisman winner to return the venerated Trophy.

The New Orleans Saints RB star's surprising decision spawned a series of other unlikely NFL players, coaches and teams to proffer these proclamations and generate the following gracious gestures.

NY Jets' cocky, corpulent coach Rex Ryan committed to construct a much better football team than the highly overrated one that never showed up for last Sunday night's nationally televised game on NBC.

Arizona Cardinals' management moved to waive 1st round pick Matt Leinart, so that the ex-USC QB bust could hone his skills and compete for a starting job on his old Pop Warner football team.

Tampa Bay Bucs, after an embarrassing opening day media blackout, vowed to draw more fans in the stands at Raymond James Stadium for their 2011 season kick-off than the total number of players who participated on the field in last week's battle between the Bucs and Browns.

New England Patriots' WR Randy Moss and Washington Redskins RB Clinton Portis guaranteed they'll continue to offer juicy, inane and selfish sound bites with Terrell Owens type flair until Commission Roger Goodell opts to step in and squash their reckless rants.

NJ Jets CB Antonio Cromartie, responding to HBO Hard Knocks' criticism of his irresponsible sexual behavior, pledged to remember the names and sexes of the seven children he fathered with six separate women in five different states during continuous one night stands over the past few years.

ESPN's John Clayton reports that the Heisman Trust in NYC will present Bush's return Trophy to the 2005 runner-up Vince Young as soon as they can identify the latest strip club where the former Texas QB is purported to spend all his time.

Straight Talk. No Static.

MIKE - Thee American Made Voice on Sports.

www.facebook.com/theemikefans

Third Member of Notre Dame's Holy Trinity of Football Attacked

More shocking news reverberated around the Catholic football world this weekend, causing faithful Fighting Irish fans to fear for their eternal football salvation.

The third member of Notre Dame's venerated Holy Trinity of football, the Leprechaun, suffered an unexpected, unprecedented verbal attack during the school's nationally televised game versus the University of Michigan.

Unruly Wolverine fans unmercifully poked fun at the miniature bean pole clad in kelly green short shorts, knee high argyles and corny corn cob pipe. Fans from Ann Arbor taunted the Irish mascot to tears in his own stadium, suggesting that he couldn't intimidate a Teletubby and proffering that the pugnacious pixie shameless beat out a 90 year old nun for his mascot job. The unprovoked assault on Notre Dame's little greenie weenie comes at a precarious time in the history of the university's storied college football program.

Irish football fans were still reeling from two shocking incidences this year which nearly caused the gold dome on the South Bend campus to crumble and the Holy Trinity of Notre Dame football to unravel.

The first attack occurred last summer when a bolt of lightning struck Touch Down Jesus' iconic statue and sparked an ominous blow to Catholic football's Ground Zero. The second startling blow took place only last week as ND alumnus and Hall of Fame Super Bowl QB Joe Montana sacrilegiously questioned the authenticity of the athletic career of the school's beloved Rudy of major motion picture fame.

Finally, when this weekend's verbal effrontery by the Michigan fans forced the Notre Dame leprechaun to shake in his shamrock shorts, it appeared as if the bedrock under the Catholic football world would be irreparably shaken.

However, in true Catholic tradition, rosaries have been recited, candles have been lit and special masses have been said. To date, the plaster statue of Touch Down Jesus has been repaired. Rudy's reputation will be ultimately restored. And chances are good that Notre Dame's legendary Leprechaun will more than likely live on through this latest attack.

Straight Talk. No Static.

MIKE - Thee American Made Voice on Sports!

Chris Berman's Bold ESPY 2011 Prediction

ESPN's Bob Ley and Stuart Scott are smiling.

Their legendary broadcasting buddy, Chris Berman, stepped way "outside the lines" this morning on my sports television talk show with a bold prediction. Booyah!

Commenting on last night's ESPY Awards in LA, the Swami passionately picked me - Michael Anthony Raffone, aka Mike Raffone, or simply MIKE as a lock for a 2011 ESPY in a new ESPY category as Breakout Broadcaster of the Year!

Uncharacteristically agitated at his beloved employer, Berman bemoaned that the World Wide Leader in Sports has apparently whiffed on the opportunity to sign me - the World Wide Leader in Sports Humor - to a long term Sports Center anchor gig!

Berman berated ESPN management as "rumblin', bumblin' and stumblin" their way through contract negotiations with my agent. ESPN's most revered television reporter appeared exasperated by the thought of probably losing me - the Long Awaited Microphone Messiah - to a rival sports media company. ESPN co-hosts Ley and Scott shared similar sentiments.

Berman stated, "MIKE is a perfectly constructed Titanium American Microphone manufactured with only the finest imported components. He can't possibly make a mistake......unless a team of writers and animators program him to do something stupid."

Berman continued by saying, "ESPN will look back...back...back... years from now and painfully regret its decision not to sign this new MIKE guy for the next Millenium. Picking any human smooth-talking suit over MIKE rivals that of the Blazers drafting Sam Bowie over another Mike way back in 1984!"

Calls to ESPN management were not returned. Speculation surfaced that high powered heads in Bristol will roll for failing to sign me - the new Ultimate Talking Head in Sports!

Berman blasted bureaucrats in Bristol and bemused that, as America's favorite new sportscaster, I... will... go... all... the... way........to the ESPY podium in LA in July 2011.


Straight talk. No static.


MIKE - thee American made voice on sports!

www.facebook.com/theemikefans - Become a Fan today!

Expunge Expectorating

Spitting in baseball is a Major League problem.

While watching last night’s All Star game on FOX, the disgusting discharges emanating from eminent National and American League players seriously sullied my spectating enjoyment.

I know all of America agrees with me that baseball players spit way too much.

The only thing more annoying than Tim McCarver’s minutiae or Joe Buck’s babbling about boring baseball statistics is seeing the sunflower seeds and spittle splattering the baseball diamonds of an All Star Game.

Major League Baseball needs to establish a No Spitting Policy immediately. Look at other sports. You don’t see Lebron launching a loogie into the lane before attempting a free throw or Michael Phelps flinging phlegm into the pool before diving off the starting block in a big race.

Before losing its faithful baseball fan base to saliva-free sports, the Commissioner needs to halt the hurling of hawkers by Expunging Expectorating from baseball!

Straight Talk. No static.

MIKE – The American Made Voice on Sports

Lebron James' Decision Part 1 - Me, Myself & I

Me, Myself and I were the only people that Lebron James ever cared about.

Us, We and Team never factored into Lebron's decision to forsake his faithful fans and teammates in Cleveland and bolt to the broiling beaches of Miami.

Forget about family. Forget about friendship. Forget about fostering hope for a struggling region in our country. Fortune and fame were the only fundamental factors forcing the career choice of the selfish would-be king without a ring.

Last night in a tightly scripted declaration, the now former Cleveland Cavalier star finally decreed his royally self-serving plans to a national television audience. Lebron's decision was all about him, himself and he! Never were any plural pronouns even considered in James' edict.

The Press, most unnervingly ESPN, pandered pathetically to the hysteria hovering around Prima-don Lebron's free agency announcement. Court jestering replaced ESPN's normally respected journalistic coverage. Lebron's hand-picked interviewer Jim Gray lobbied softballs at the reigning NBA MVP - smartly arrayed in a purple and white checked shirt . . . and thankfully not in purple robes, sceptre and crown.

Worse yet, sports fans tolerated the pomp and circumstance surrounding James' surreal free agency circus. Bracing for pain, we all tuned in to ESPN last night to witness the inevitable . . . all the time secretly hoping LBJ would never spurn the Rust Belt for the sun, surf and sand of South Florida.

Even the Cavalier franchise and the surrounding Cleveland community succumbed to carefully courting the king, cautious not to upset him while praying and pining that their hometown hero would eschew the bigger city spotlights for the rain-soaked shores of Lake Erie.

Other NBA owners frolicked in Lebronamania, knowing the word Billion was Lebron's primary motivation and foolishly thinking 23 would move his monarchy to their metro markets.

Now jilted and scorned, we all had hoped the hometown hero would hunker down in Cleveland and bring the city by the lake that long sought after championship in pro sports for which it has thirsted for the past 50 years.

Okay sports fans, after all this ranting over Lebron's leaving it's now time for us to move on - let's forgive 23 for forsaking us and wish the man the best in his quest for a ring in Miami.

Sure, Lebron should have stayed - but he didn't. Sure, Lebron could have consulted with us - but he hadn't. Sure, Lebron would have been forever loved in Ohio - but he won't.

However, when you're calling South Beach home, and the guaranteed millions are already in the bank, it's easy to understand why . . . Me, Myself and I are the only three people on the planet that Lebron James ever cared about.

Straight Talk, No Static.

MIKE . . . Thee American Made Voice on Sports!

What CBS Misses in its March Madness Coverage

Going into this weekend, the NCAA Men's College Basketball Tournament has been officially trimmed to four fantastic teams, and this year's CBS March Madness television coverage has once again frustrated the lucid, logical thinking of reasonably intelligent college basketball fans everywhere.

Big Dance diehards have fallen fast for the foolish fodder and boyish banter beaming from the CBS broadcast booth without ever questioning the corny, cliche cloaked commentary and overt omissions of CBS' celebrated basketball announcers.

At times, CBS ignores the blatantly obvious right at the tip of your nose stuff, while hypnotically hounding fans with hokey, hyperbolic play-by-play analysis, subtly sucking viewers brains right out of their cranial cavities.

So, college basketball fans, put the Panasonic plasma on pause and ponder these missing March Madness oversights, compliments of CBS' college basketball announcers.

Here are my first 4 forgettable picks:

#1. The Missed Free Throw Party - OK, so why can't we find anyone in the CBS broadcast booth with some bravado to decry the dubiously dreadful display of celebrating shooting ineptitude nearly every time a free throw shooter misses a gimme from the charity stripe?

Doesn't anybody else on the planet find it utterly ridiculous when teammates enthusiastically approach the brick-laying free throw shooter and congratulate him with high fives and pats to the butt after he just clanged an important freebie from 15 feet? Imagine if MLB infielders raced to the pitcher's mound to bask in the embarrassment of a pitcher who's last fast ball wound up 450' away as some fan's souvenir in the center field's stands!

CBS' silence on the Missed Free Throw Party makes no sense whatsoever to me.

#2. Tattoos - Once again, why doesn't someone in the CBS broadcast booth blurt out the obvious and bemoan the proliferation of butt-ugly tattoos blanketing far too much of the basketball players' exposed skin? After witnessing Northern Iowa's upset of Kansas, I'm all for lobbying for an NCAA ban barring big, beefy boys without a tan from ever sporting multi-colored tattoos on any part of their bodies.

My second petition will be for the NCAA to mandate long-sleeved, turtle necked shirts to cover any future fashion paux of all heavily inked players because it seems like inebriated frat house friends frolicked with Etch-a-Sketch art on the chiseled players' forearms, biceps, backs, necks and shoulders!

Perhaps CBS should initiate a think before you ink campaign to spare viewers at home from witnessing these unsightly tattoos.

#3. College Basketball's Teflon Coated Coach - OK, why aren't college basketball conspiratorial crazies feasting on the journalistic blackout concerning Kentucky coach John Calipari? Never heard a peep from any of the boys in the CBS broadcast booth scrutinizing this slippery and unscrupulous coaching cad from Lexington. College basketball's highest paid coach is historically a walking NCAA infraction-in-the-making with a well-chronicled resume of recruiting players with no regard for collegiate consistency, scholarship and integrity within their university's basketball program.

Perhaps the CBS boys believe Kentucky actually recruited Coach Calipari to improve its anemic 9% graduation rate or that the muck that Just in Time Johnny (getting out of the place before your sordid history catches up with you) left at Memphis and Massachusetts was merely coincidental. Duh!

#4 - There's a Lid on the Basket - Doesn't anyone else agree that this is one of the most over used cliches in sports? CBS sportscasters need to remove from their repertoire this ritualistic excuse for poor shooting. Come on, CBS, give the opposing team's defense better credit and mute any mention of this trite expression citing a metaphorical metal disk hermetically soldered to a rim. There isn't anything physical attached to the rim prohibiting the ball from going into the basket.

The only things preventing better shooting are better shooters or even better defense from the opposition..... and it doesn't require a handsomely paid former player wearing a thousand dollar suit sitting in a broadcast booth to figure it out.

Maybe CBS should put lids on the lips of some of their basketball broadcasting boys in the booth before they blurt out any more corny cliches or totally overlook the obvious.

OK, college basketball fans, email me your selections of slack CBS sports casting and blatanly obvious omissions from this year's NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament.

Straight talk. No static.

MIKE - thee American made voice on sports!

Can You Say Ali Farokhamesh?

Can you say Ali Farokhamesh (Ah'-lee Fa-rook'-ha-mesh)?

After this past weekend, absolutely! Even if you're only a casual college basketball fan, you're probably proclaiming the name Ali Farokhamesh everywhere you go.

As a matter of fact, with unabashed confidence you're more than likely repeatedly rattling off the tongue-twisting name Ali Farokhamesh, but you're also spelling it, properly syllabicating it, and quickly correcting the butchery of those who stutter when they can't make it past the first three letters of this stellar guard's last name.

Ali Farokhamesh. The Rook to his team mates - is arguably the number one story in this year's NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament and the one player mostly responsible for manufacturing America's first bout of mania during this Spring's March Madness.

Expect Farokhamesh-a-mania to flourish for at least another five fabulous days until the Sweet Sixteen resumes next Saturday in St. Louis. Little Ali's created the kind of Big Dance buzz that rivals the likes of Cincinnati's Big O's scintillations of the early 60's, Michigan State's Magic's mesmerizing moves of the 70's, Jimmy V's vanquishing the vaunted Phi Slamma Jamma in the 80's, Duke's dazzling Laettner turn-around in the early 90's and the Cuse's Freshman Phenon Carmelo's captivation of college fans earlier this decade.

Ali Farokhamesh. The only thing wrong about him is his six foot height generously exaggerated on the Northern Iowa Panther basketball team roster. However, in spite of this one accepted abberation, everything else is soooooo very right about this thick, hairy-legged, under-sized, midwestern kid with the receding hairline and barely pronounceable last name willing to take crazy, calculated, career-defining shots on the biggest stage during the biggest game of his life against heavily favored opponents before a national television audience.

Ali Farokhamesh. A name never to be forgotten for a lifetime of Big Dances. Forget the March Madness Heroes of NCAA Tournaments past. Move over, Magic (Johnson), Michael (Jordan) and Manning (Danny). Wipe Wilt (Chamberlain) and Walton (Bill) off your list. And don't even challenge me with the name of Kansas' Mario Chalmers. Ali has emerged as the Hero of Heroes and Prom King of the Big Dance.....even if he never makes it past the Sweet Sixteen.

Ali Farokhamesh. Get used to hearing and seeing a lot of this alphabet soup of a name. Ali's two tournament game heroics will be constantly replayed, analyzed, dissected, fawned over and endlessly enjoyed in our living rooms for all of America . . . at least until he and his Panthers lace 'em up again next weekend.

Ali Farokhamesh. The reason why teams play the game . . . any game . . . is because even the number 1 seeded, more highly touted, athletically gifted, tremendously talented teams on PAPER must show up every night to take on unknown, over-achieving underdogs. But when the nationally ranked titans don't show up, little-known Goliath-killer mid-major teams like Northern Iowa with unheard-of players like Ali Farokhamesh rise up, seize the moment and write their own chapter in NCAA Basketball Tournament history.

Ali Farokhamesh. Yup, I love writing this name as much as I love saying it. Thanks to this Iowa City native and Kirkwood, Iowa Junior College transfer guard for making my March Madness so memorable already.

Ali Farokhamesh. All the best to you in St. Louis next weekend, Mr. Fearlessly Firing Shooting Guard with the twin fire hydrant legs, when your Northern Iowa squad squares off against another heavily favored team for a spot in the Elite Eight.

Trust me, at tip-off, sports fans across America will know who you are and will eloquently and effortlessly be able to say your name - Ali Farokhamesh.

Straight Talk. No Static.

MIKE - Thee American Made Voice on Sports!