ESPN Announces Dancing with the Stars Spin-off (Satire)

Dancing with the Stars kicks off Monday on ABC.

In a surprise twist, Dancing with the Stars' (DWTS) unparalleled success has now spawned a spin-off sports show slotted for next spring on affiliate network ESPN. Aptly named Dancing with Parole Model Sports Stars, the series is hustling to assemble its ESPN All-Star line-up as famous felons, foolish philanderers and other celebrated sports figures boasting run-ins with the law are competing for the show's Mirrorball Trophy.

While most elements remain under wraps, TMZ has leaked details of the spring 2011 season of Dancing with Parole Model Sports Stars series.

Viewers will witness legendary jocks in the show's familiar holding tank as they ready to appear before a live audience with studio judges Carrie Ann Inaba, Bruno Tonioli and Len Goodman. However, while recent DWTS stars typically found standing before judges intimidating, executive producers at ESPN believe their crop of culpable contestants will be fully confident, especially considering their previous courtroom appearances and prior criminal records.

Exactly which professional dancers will be assigned to the Dancing with Parole Model Sports Stars inaugural line-up is yet to be cast in concrete. However, ESPN producers have locked up early commitments from several parole model sports stars and have already selected a few opening night numbers for these five philanderers and currently unfettered offenders.

Top golfer Tiger Woods, who routinely demonstrated superior skill in stepping out during his former marriage, will perform the Quick Step to Carrie Underwood's "Maybe Next Time He'll Think Before He Cheats".

Boxing champion Floyd Mayweather, Jr., who was recently indicted on multiple charges to include domestic battery, is currently slated to perform the Paso Dobles to Pat Benitar's "Hit Me With Your Best Shot".

Legendary pitcher Roger Clemens, who has been needled unmercifully by the Press concerning his future incarcerated state, has been unintentionally - yet ironically - booked for Boogieing to Elvis' "Jailhouse Rock".

Suspended NFL QB and former Super Bowl MVP Ben Roethlisberger, who continued his carnal craving for curvaceous coeds, will be choreographed slithering across the dance floor to Charlie Daniels' "The Devil Went Down to Millidgeville, Georgia".

NY Yankee 3B Alex Rodriguez, whose self-centered reputation prompted producers to part with the DWTS tradition of two-party routines, was selected to be its first contestant ever to dance alone in the competition, Free Styling to Carly Simon's "You're So Vain".

While scores of current and former athletes have lined up to break in to ESPN's Dancing with Parole Model Sports Stars' inaugural season, a few defendants, ah, contestants, fell through. DWTS host Tom Bergeron reported on athletes who purportedly took issue with ESPN's selection of songs for their first night's routines. They included:

Las Angeles Laker Kobe Bryant, who refused to perform the Polks to John Denver's "Rocky Mountain High Colorado".

Former NFL RB great OJ Simpson, who declined to dance the Fox Trot to "I Fought the Law and the Law Won".

And, finally, NFL Hall of Famer Lawrence Taylor, who refused to dance the new Horizontal Mambo to the tune of the classic 1959 hit, "Teen Angel".

Straight Talk. No Static.

MIKE - Thee American Made Voice on Sports

www.facebook.com/theemikefans

No Penance for Pitino

Another fallen skirt chaser in the sports world will not be disciplined.

University of Louisville Athletic Director Tom Jurich reiterated his school's unwavering support for Men's Basketball Coach Rick Pitino yesterday following the conviction of Karen Cunagin Sypher, 50, for attempting to extort millions from the Cardinals' high profile coach after their tawdry tryst.

The skirt chasing Pitino's foolish philandering in 2003 has cost him and his school public embarrassment and national ridicule. However, Slick Rick won't face any disciplinary action from the university or, at this time, from the NCAA.

Astonishingly, the Big East School earlier this year awarded Pitino with a four year contract extension through 2017. As many Catholics expressed, "What a Cardinal sin of epic proportions!"

This torrid tale would not be so tawdry and worth retelling had it not been for Pitino presenting himself as a paragon of family values while parading around with a Parish priest and piously pontificating about Catholic principles.

The media has had lots of fallen skirt chasers to report on these days, and Rick Pitino hasn't been the only adulterer asking for forgiveness for his duplicitous decisions. Pittsburgh Steeler QB Ben Roethlisberger regretted running after a Goergia vixen, and iconic golfer Tiger Woods apologized for his serial indiscretions. While the NFL suspended Big Ben for the start of the season, the PGA Tour took a much different approach and never even attempted to correct the wayward Woods - the sport's undisputed cash cow.

So, it'll interesting to witness which philandering philosophy the usually conservative NCAA embraces as the lurid details of Pitino's frolicking and subsequent cover-up have publicly unfolded. Will the NCAA face Pitino's foibles straight fowardly and formally kick his can to the curb for violating the collegiate organization's morality standards? Or, will the NCAA support Louisville and stauchly stand by its "stud" coach like the the PGA Tour's laughable loyalty to its lecherous lout? After all, aren't there 20,000 seats in Louisville's new downtown arena that need to be filled?

The University of Louisville had the opportunity to take a stand by setting the example that wanna-be womanizers need to keep their zippers zipped.

Now, it's the NCAA's turn to prescribe penance for Pitino's pathetic hypocrisy.

Staright talk, No static.

MIKE - thee American made voice on sports!

Nike - Just (Can't) Do It!

Nike - the world's leading sports brand...just CAN'T do it!

Fire Tiger Woods, that is.

Earlier this week Sports Business Journal quoted Nike Chairman and Co-founder Phil Knight's carelessly casual comment concerning Woods' X-rated, extra-marital escapades. Knight said, "When Tiger's career is over, you'll look back on these indescretions as a minor blip, but the media is making a big deal out of it now."

Wow! What a hyprocritical swaggering of swoosh swirling from Nike's swanky Board Room!

For all his supposed moxie, corporate clout and sports world innovation, Knight is taking the coward's way out... proffering the company's support for the world's most celebrated athlete and serial adulterer . . . and hoping we'll continue to buy the millions of dollars of "Tiger-gear" still remaining in Nike's inventory.

Knight's irresponsible, insensitive and absurdly chauvinistic comment all but negates his company's corporate mission statement about fostering social responsibility.

Nike's decision is anything but socially responsible. To the contrary, by sticking with the foolishly philandering Woods, the sneaker giant made a mockery of the time honored social virtues of family, faithfulness and forthrightness.

What message is Nike sending to youth around the world? Hey Tiger Woods fans, keep over-paying for over-priced footware and apparel donned by our over-sexed golfing legend who overtly lied to fans, police, the Press and (sadly) his wife and young family.

Let's call a swoosh a swoosh. Because in this case, where so much money has been financed to fabricate a phony family friendly facade, Nike...the world's leading sports brand...just CAN'T do it! Fire Tiger Woods, that is!

We can all forgive Tiger if and when he's contrite, but let's never defend the arrogance of a corporate titan who summarizes serial adultery as a "minor blip".

Instead, make Nike a "minor blip" in your future sports apparel purchasing.

Buy Adidas, Champion or Reebok instead.


Straight talk. No static.

MIKE - thee American made voice on sports!