Washington Redskins' defensive tackle Albert Haynesworth finally passed his mandatory conditioning test yesterday at the team's practice facility in Ashburn, VA.
Haynesworth successfully completed two sets of back-and-forth 25-yard sprints, passing two dozen buffet tables laden with barbequed ribs, Southern fried chicken, hot biscuits and gravy, and double-dipped chocolate donuts with sprinkles . . . all in under the required four minutes with just a ninety minute nap in between.
With iceburg quickness, Haynesworth exhibited amazing willpower as he lumbered by both rows of bountiful fried feasts and delectable desserts.
Redskins coach Mike Shanahan praised his $100M+ defensive tackle's poise under pressure, commenting, "The fried chicken smelled and looked especially good!"
However, Shanahan feared Haynesworth may have re-tweeked his sore left knee shortly before ending his obligatory run when Big 92 stopped, in cruise ship type suddenness, for a second whiff of the barbequed spare ribs.
Washington's medical staff quickly reported that Haynesworth's knee would be re-examined and that the run stopper's daily diet of carrots, sesame seeds, tofu and a 6 oz. lean chicken breast would be closely monitored.
Haynesworth, who had not spoken to the media before Saturday, publicly thanked Biggest Loser's Jillian Michaels for coaching through this arduous and tempting ordeal.
The Redskins' star lineman now faces his next big test. Can he successfully get off the field when substituted . . . .before the NFL's 25 second play clock expires . . . or will he need to stop for a snack before reaching the sidelines?
Straight Talk. No Static.
MIKE - Thee American Made Voice on Sports!
http://www.facebook.com/theemikefans
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Knuckleheaded Knicks
Tell me James Dolan and Donnie Walsh aren't a couple of Knuckleheaded Knicks.
What on earth were they thinking? I didn't know whether to laugh, cry or scream upon learning the news that these two senior NBA executives re-signed former NY Knicks President and Coach Isaiah Thomas as a special consultant to their organization.
Dolan's and Walsh's decision to rehire Thomas is deplorably, ridiculously, irresponsibly disgusting. Their knuckledheaded move sends the WRONG message.....that anyone can get rehired by your former employee even after you:
1. fail miserably at your job as a coach with a woeful 23-59 record in 2007-08
2. cost your former bosses $11.6 million to settle a lawsuit you caused
3. sexually harass a woman who worked for you
and worse yet...
4. throw your very own daughter under the proverbial bus when the police respond to your home to investigate your purported drug overdose / suicide.
I'm very curious to see whether self-righteous NBA Commissioner David Stern, so protective of the league's declining image, weighs in on this abhorent NY Knicks news.
In a professional basketball league where "Amazing Happens" there should never be any room for the reprehensible decisions of Knuckleheaded Knicks.
Straight talk. No static.
MIKE - thee American Made Voice on Sports!
www.facebook.com/theemikefans
What on earth were they thinking? I didn't know whether to laugh, cry or scream upon learning the news that these two senior NBA executives re-signed former NY Knicks President and Coach Isaiah Thomas as a special consultant to their organization.
Dolan's and Walsh's decision to rehire Thomas is deplorably, ridiculously, irresponsibly disgusting. Their knuckledheaded move sends the WRONG message.....that anyone can get rehired by your former employee even after you:
1. fail miserably at your job as a coach with a woeful 23-59 record in 2007-08
2. cost your former bosses $11.6 million to settle a lawsuit you caused
3. sexually harass a woman who worked for you
and worse yet...
4. throw your very own daughter under the proverbial bus when the police respond to your home to investigate your purported drug overdose / suicide.
I'm very curious to see whether self-righteous NBA Commissioner David Stern, so protective of the league's declining image, weighs in on this abhorent NY Knicks news.
In a professional basketball league where "Amazing Happens" there should never be any room for the reprehensible decisions of Knuckleheaded Knicks.
Straight talk. No static.
MIKE - thee American Made Voice on Sports!
www.facebook.com/theemikefans
Friday, August 6, 2010
No Penance for Pitino
Another fallen skirt chaser in the sports world will not be disciplined.
University of Louisville Athletic Director Tom Jurich reiterated his school's unwavering support for Men's Basketball Coach Rick Pitino yesterday following the conviction of Karen Cunagin Sypher, 50, for attempting to extort millions from the Cardinals' high profile coach after their tawdry tryst.
The skirt chasing Pitino's foolish philandering in 2003 has cost him and his school public embarrassment and national ridicule. However, Slick Rick won't face any disciplinary action from the university or, at this time, from the NCAA.
Astonishingly, the Big East School earlier this year awarded Pitino with a four year contract extension through 2017. As many Catholics expressed, "What a Cardinal sin of epic proportions!"
This torrid tale would not be so tawdry and worth retelling had it not been for Pitino presenting himself as a paragon of family values while parading around with a Parish priest and piously pontificating about Catholic principles.
The media has had lots of fallen skirt chasers to report on these days, and Rick Pitino hasn't been the only adulterer asking for forgiveness for his duplicitous decisions. Pittsburgh Steeler QB Ben Roethlisberger regretted running after a Goergia vixen, and iconic golfer Tiger Woods apologized for his serial indiscretions. While the NFL suspended Big Ben for the start of the season, the PGA Tour took a much different approach and never even attempted to correct the wayward Woods - the sport's undisputed cash cow.
So, it'll interesting to witness which philandering philosophy the usually conservative NCAA embraces as the lurid details of Pitino's frolicking and subsequent cover-up have publicly unfolded. Will the NCAA face Pitino's foibles straight fowardly and formally kick his can to the curb for violating the collegiate organization's morality standards? Or, will the NCAA support Louisville and stauchly stand by its "stud" coach like the the PGA Tour's laughable loyalty to its lecherous lout? After all, aren't there 20,000 seats in Louisville's new downtown arena that need to be filled?
The University of Louisville had the opportunity to take a stand by setting the example that wanna-be womanizers need to keep their zippers zipped.
Now, it's the NCAA's turn to prescribe penance for Pitino's pathetic hypocrisy.
Staright talk, No static.
MIKE - thee American made voice on sports!
University of Louisville Athletic Director Tom Jurich reiterated his school's unwavering support for Men's Basketball Coach Rick Pitino yesterday following the conviction of Karen Cunagin Sypher, 50, for attempting to extort millions from the Cardinals' high profile coach after their tawdry tryst.
The skirt chasing Pitino's foolish philandering in 2003 has cost him and his school public embarrassment and national ridicule. However, Slick Rick won't face any disciplinary action from the university or, at this time, from the NCAA.
Astonishingly, the Big East School earlier this year awarded Pitino with a four year contract extension through 2017. As many Catholics expressed, "What a Cardinal sin of epic proportions!"
This torrid tale would not be so tawdry and worth retelling had it not been for Pitino presenting himself as a paragon of family values while parading around with a Parish priest and piously pontificating about Catholic principles.
The media has had lots of fallen skirt chasers to report on these days, and Rick Pitino hasn't been the only adulterer asking for forgiveness for his duplicitous decisions. Pittsburgh Steeler QB Ben Roethlisberger regretted running after a Goergia vixen, and iconic golfer Tiger Woods apologized for his serial indiscretions. While the NFL suspended Big Ben for the start of the season, the PGA Tour took a much different approach and never even attempted to correct the wayward Woods - the sport's undisputed cash cow.
So, it'll interesting to witness which philandering philosophy the usually conservative NCAA embraces as the lurid details of Pitino's frolicking and subsequent cover-up have publicly unfolded. Will the NCAA face Pitino's foibles straight fowardly and formally kick his can to the curb for violating the collegiate organization's morality standards? Or, will the NCAA support Louisville and stauchly stand by its "stud" coach like the the PGA Tour's laughable loyalty to its lecherous lout? After all, aren't there 20,000 seats in Louisville's new downtown arena that need to be filled?
The University of Louisville had the opportunity to take a stand by setting the example that wanna-be womanizers need to keep their zippers zipped.
Now, it's the NCAA's turn to prescribe penance for Pitino's pathetic hypocrisy.
Staright talk, No static.
MIKE - thee American made voice on sports!
Thursday, August 5, 2010
SHAQ-tastrophe!
The Celtics are courting SHAQ-tastrophe!
Last season's NBA Finals Runner Ups are flaunting with failure as the Celtics have signed 38-year-old former NBA All-Star Shaquille O'Neal to a two year contract.
In this coming NBA season, look for a series of SHAQ-tastrophes beginning with a kelly green clad sputtering Big Diesel lumbering down the parquet court of Boston's TD Bank and North Garden.
Already limited in its fast break, an aged Celtics team has added the glacier quick Shaq to its squad. . . certain to tether itself further to the immovable foundation of Boston's iconic John Hancock Building.
At first, watch the plodding Planet Cryptonite schmooze teammates with his signature shuck and jive and influence his new Boston friends with a feigned team-first philosophy. However, O'Neal's game has always been Shaq vs. . . well . . . everybody else . . . 'cause it's always been all about 7' 1" and 335+ pounds of Shaq and his monumental ego.
Then, just wait till December, when Shaq Daddy wants more touches and disheartened guards like Rajon Rondo and Nate Robinson howl at the horrific sight of this Big Fella hampering their way to the hoop.
Worse yet, wait until February, when the original Celtic Big 3 of Ray Allen, Paul Pierce and Kevin Garnett have had enough hubris from this new Hulking Ham in the Hub City hoping to become a cozy Celtic Quartet. But that won't ever happen.
Expect O'Neal to exit Boston after just one season or maybe even sooner. History documents his less than magical departure from Orlando, his petty parting from the Lakers, Shaq's scorched separations from the Suns and Heat and his recent cavalier departure from Cleveland.
Despite my prognostications, here's hoping the Celtics will salvage this season by muzzling this megalomaniac and sparingly utilizing his waning talents.
Otherwise, Coach Doc Rivers will be courting a sure SHAQ-tastrophe with the NBA's former Superman and now sputtering Big Diesel.
Straight Talk. No Static.
MIKE - Thee American Made Voice on Sports!
Last season's NBA Finals Runner Ups are flaunting with failure as the Celtics have signed 38-year-old former NBA All-Star Shaquille O'Neal to a two year contract.
In this coming NBA season, look for a series of SHAQ-tastrophes beginning with a kelly green clad sputtering Big Diesel lumbering down the parquet court of Boston's TD Bank and North Garden.
Already limited in its fast break, an aged Celtics team has added the glacier quick Shaq to its squad. . . certain to tether itself further to the immovable foundation of Boston's iconic John Hancock Building.
At first, watch the plodding Planet Cryptonite schmooze teammates with his signature shuck and jive and influence his new Boston friends with a feigned team-first philosophy. However, O'Neal's game has always been Shaq vs. . . well . . . everybody else . . . 'cause it's always been all about 7' 1" and 335+ pounds of Shaq and his monumental ego.
Then, just wait till December, when Shaq Daddy wants more touches and disheartened guards like Rajon Rondo and Nate Robinson howl at the horrific sight of this Big Fella hampering their way to the hoop.
Worse yet, wait until February, when the original Celtic Big 3 of Ray Allen, Paul Pierce and Kevin Garnett have had enough hubris from this new Hulking Ham in the Hub City hoping to become a cozy Celtic Quartet. But that won't ever happen.
Expect O'Neal to exit Boston after just one season or maybe even sooner. History documents his less than magical departure from Orlando, his petty parting from the Lakers, Shaq's scorched separations from the Suns and Heat and his recent cavalier departure from Cleveland.
Despite my prognostications, here's hoping the Celtics will salvage this season by muzzling this megalomaniac and sparingly utilizing his waning talents.
Otherwise, Coach Doc Rivers will be courting a sure SHAQ-tastrophe with the NBA's former Superman and now sputtering Big Diesel.
Straight Talk. No Static.
MIKE - Thee American Made Voice on Sports!
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Lebron James' Decision Part II
Sources close to the King-Without-a-Ring reported that ESPN will devote another hour covering Lebron James' decision to take his talented flesh to Miami. This time....to get another tattoo.
Incredulous at first, ESPN never thought Lebron had enough flesh cap room left on his body to possibly accomodate another tattoo. However, upon further scrutiny, ESPN believed LBJ's anticipated body art announcement warranted another prime time infomercial.
Hoping to avoid the train wreck of last week's Lebron James' Decision - Part I, ESPN announced that legendary rocker and tattoo afficianado Tommy Lee would host the event. Having gone under the needle hundreds of times before, ESPN thought Lee would offer credibility and maturity. Heavily pierced and more heavilt tatted, Lee will ask Lebron the body art questions all of America is pining to know. And maybe, just maybe, this time Lebron will actually remember all of the pre-scripted questions.
Tommy Lee's interview will purportedly take place on a make-shift stage set in one of South Beach's bevy of ink parlors. Aspiring tattooists from throughout South Florida as well as most members of the Denver Nugget basketball team are expected to be on hand to offer Lebron much needed support.
Speculation concerning the nature of more indistinguishable body art adorning the body of the reigning NBA MVP continues to build, and Vegas oddsmakers soon plan to post their prognostications. Undisclosed sources in the James camp have been heard to comment that:
Cleveland Cavalier owner Dan Gilbert suggested an image of Benedict Arnold be emblazoned prominently on whatever area of un-inked flesh flesh remained on Lebron's body.
Former teammates Mo Williams and Anderson Verajou pleaded with Lebron to memorialize them by inking their initials on his back, you know, the very same back the former 23 carried them on the last two NBA seasons.
Reverend Jesse Jackson implored the now former Cavalier to display the words, "emancipated indentured servant" on the unfettered hands that passed, rebounded and scored so effortlessly for his Plantation minded bosses in Cleveland.
Bulls, Nets, Knicks and Clippers representatives pushed for Lebron to officially change his new Miami Heat number from 6 to 666 and ink it permanently on his forehead.
However, the decision on what to do next in Miami with his talented flesh rests entirely with the King-Without-a-Ring.
Tune in to ESPN's next Lebron-athon, and you'll know the answer to LBJ's agonizing decision - and hopefully not after Tommy Lee's 16th question.
MIKE - thee American made voice on sports!
Incredulous at first, ESPN never thought Lebron had enough flesh cap room left on his body to possibly accomodate another tattoo. However, upon further scrutiny, ESPN believed LBJ's anticipated body art announcement warranted another prime time infomercial.
Hoping to avoid the train wreck of last week's Lebron James' Decision - Part I, ESPN announced that legendary rocker and tattoo afficianado Tommy Lee would host the event. Having gone under the needle hundreds of times before, ESPN thought Lee would offer credibility and maturity. Heavily pierced and more heavilt tatted, Lee will ask Lebron the body art questions all of America is pining to know. And maybe, just maybe, this time Lebron will actually remember all of the pre-scripted questions.
Tommy Lee's interview will purportedly take place on a make-shift stage set in one of South Beach's bevy of ink parlors. Aspiring tattooists from throughout South Florida as well as most members of the Denver Nugget basketball team are expected to be on hand to offer Lebron much needed support.
Speculation concerning the nature of more indistinguishable body art adorning the body of the reigning NBA MVP continues to build, and Vegas oddsmakers soon plan to post their prognostications. Undisclosed sources in the James camp have been heard to comment that:
Cleveland Cavalier owner Dan Gilbert suggested an image of Benedict Arnold be emblazoned prominently on whatever area of un-inked flesh flesh remained on Lebron's body.
Former teammates Mo Williams and Anderson Verajou pleaded with Lebron to memorialize them by inking their initials on his back, you know, the very same back the former 23 carried them on the last two NBA seasons.
Reverend Jesse Jackson implored the now former Cavalier to display the words, "emancipated indentured servant" on the unfettered hands that passed, rebounded and scored so effortlessly for his Plantation minded bosses in Cleveland.
Bulls, Nets, Knicks and Clippers representatives pushed for Lebron to officially change his new Miami Heat number from 6 to 666 and ink it permanently on his forehead.
However, the decision on what to do next in Miami with his talented flesh rests entirely with the King-Without-a-Ring.
Tune in to ESPN's next Lebron-athon, and you'll know the answer to LBJ's agonizing decision - and hopefully not after Tommy Lee's 16th question.
MIKE - thee American made voice on sports!
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Chris Berman's Bold ESPY 2011 Prediction
ESPN's Bob Ley and Stuart Scott are smiling.
Their legendary broadcasting buddy, Chris Berman, stepped way "outside the lines" this morning on my sports television talk show with a bold prediction. Booyah!
Commenting on last night's ESPY Awards in LA, the Swami passionately picked me - Michael Anthony Raffone, aka Mike Raffone, or simply MIKE as a lock for a 2011 ESPY in a new ESPY category as Breakout Broadcaster of the Year!
Uncharacteristically agitated at his beloved employer, Berman bemoaned that the World Wide Leader in Sports has apparently whiffed on the opportunity to sign me - the World Wide Leader in Sports Humor - to a long term Sports Center anchor gig!
Berman berated ESPN management as "rumblin', bumblin' and stumblin" their way through contract negotiations with my agent. ESPN's most revered television reporter appeared exasperated by the thought of probably losing me - the Long Awaited Microphone Messiah - to a rival sports media company. ESPN co-hosts Ley and Scott shared similar sentiments.
Berman stated, "MIKE is a perfectly constructed Titanium American Microphone manufactured with only the finest imported components. He can't possibly make a mistake......unless a team of writers and animators program him to do something stupid."
Berman continued by saying, "ESPN will look back...back...back... years from now and painfully regret its decision not to sign this new MIKE guy for the next Millenium. Picking any human smooth-talking suit over MIKE rivals that of the Blazers drafting Sam Bowie over another Mike way back in 1984!"
Calls to ESPN management were not returned. Speculation surfaced that high powered heads in Bristol will roll for failing to sign me - the new Ultimate Talking Head in Sports!
Berman blasted bureaucrats in Bristol and bemused that, as America's favorite new sportscaster, I... will... go... all... the... way........to the ESPY podium in LA in July 2011.
Straight talk. No static.
MIKE - thee American made voice on sports!
www.facebook.com/theemikefans - Become a Fan today!
Their legendary broadcasting buddy, Chris Berman, stepped way "outside the lines" this morning on my sports television talk show with a bold prediction. Booyah!
Commenting on last night's ESPY Awards in LA, the Swami passionately picked me - Michael Anthony Raffone, aka Mike Raffone, or simply MIKE as a lock for a 2011 ESPY in a new ESPY category as Breakout Broadcaster of the Year!
Uncharacteristically agitated at his beloved employer, Berman bemoaned that the World Wide Leader in Sports has apparently whiffed on the opportunity to sign me - the World Wide Leader in Sports Humor - to a long term Sports Center anchor gig!
Berman berated ESPN management as "rumblin', bumblin' and stumblin" their way through contract negotiations with my agent. ESPN's most revered television reporter appeared exasperated by the thought of probably losing me - the Long Awaited Microphone Messiah - to a rival sports media company. ESPN co-hosts Ley and Scott shared similar sentiments.
Berman stated, "MIKE is a perfectly constructed Titanium American Microphone manufactured with only the finest imported components. He can't possibly make a mistake......unless a team of writers and animators program him to do something stupid."
Berman continued by saying, "ESPN will look back...back...back... years from now and painfully regret its decision not to sign this new MIKE guy for the next Millenium. Picking any human smooth-talking suit over MIKE rivals that of the Blazers drafting Sam Bowie over another Mike way back in 1984!"
Calls to ESPN management were not returned. Speculation surfaced that high powered heads in Bristol will roll for failing to sign me - the new Ultimate Talking Head in Sports!
Berman blasted bureaucrats in Bristol and bemused that, as America's favorite new sportscaster, I... will... go... all... the... way........to the ESPY podium in LA in July 2011.
Straight talk. No static.
MIKE - thee American made voice on sports!
www.facebook.com/theemikefans - Become a Fan today!
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Expunge Expectorating
Spitting in baseball is a Major League problem.
While watching last night’s All Star game on FOX, the disgusting discharges emanating from eminent National and American League players seriously sullied my spectating enjoyment.
I know all of America agrees with me that baseball players spit way too much.
The only thing more annoying than Tim McCarver’s minutiae or Joe Buck’s babbling about boring baseball statistics is seeing the sunflower seeds and spittle splattering the baseball diamonds of an All Star Game.
Major League Baseball needs to establish a No Spitting Policy immediately. Look at other sports. You don’t see Lebron launching a loogie into the lane before attempting a free throw or Michael Phelps flinging phlegm into the pool before diving off the starting block in a big race.
Before losing its faithful baseball fan base to saliva-free sports, the Commissioner needs to halt the hurling of hawkers by Expunging Expectorating from baseball!
Straight Talk. No static.
MIKE – The American Made Voice on Sports
While watching last night’s All Star game on FOX, the disgusting discharges emanating from eminent National and American League players seriously sullied my spectating enjoyment.
I know all of America agrees with me that baseball players spit way too much.
The only thing more annoying than Tim McCarver’s minutiae or Joe Buck’s babbling about boring baseball statistics is seeing the sunflower seeds and spittle splattering the baseball diamonds of an All Star Game.
Major League Baseball needs to establish a No Spitting Policy immediately. Look at other sports. You don’t see Lebron launching a loogie into the lane before attempting a free throw or Michael Phelps flinging phlegm into the pool before diving off the starting block in a big race.
Before losing its faithful baseball fan base to saliva-free sports, the Commissioner needs to halt the hurling of hawkers by Expunging Expectorating from baseball!
Straight Talk. No static.
MIKE – The American Made Voice on Sports
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
